Abusive behavior causes illness in those connected.
May 4, 2012
A client of mine went to her chiropractor every week for the last couple of years mainly to be have her internal organs tested for health and strength. She also got an adjustment which she needed nearly every time. Each time her organs would test out weak in most of them and often all of them. She also took supplements to help the strength of them. She and her doctor talked about her home situation often. About 2 years ago her husband started to change, suble at first and then more obvious. The wife didn’t know what to do or what was going on under the presenting behavior. She was increasingly being put down, sarcasm sent her way, blamed, called names, corrected, and generally being abused with guilt being the biggest tactic. As her husband was quite a bit older than her she didn’t want to leave him yet was getting more and more agitated as time went on. Since I had been in a similar situation I helped her put together a medical program which her doctor ok’d and prescribed for so when we did an intervention and her husband was put on the medication, given a specialized food, and taken to a program of positive thinking and spirituality daily, This helped his oncoming dementia and re-emergence of old alcoholic behavior which I thought was happening to him. After just a couple months he was like a new person with only a few “slips” in behavior very occasionally. What happened to her was short of amazing! She began to sleep better, function more easily, not be depressed and anxious, and when tested again, all her organs tested normal and strong. She no longer required treatment/adjustments. She is actually happy every day as she was given back the life she was meant to have. The power of the abusive person is so great and the person relating to him doesn’t realize it because she’s in it every day. Even the sick person/addict doesn’t truly see it for what it is because he is in denial. The wife sure does now and is she greatful for her own returning health plus getting her husband back. Please don’t wait until you are really sick to do something about your situation. If I can help in any way let me know. I send my love and prayers to you. website Drsusanricketson.com and Livefromyourheart.com
Counseling for the person abused by addict/alcoholic
April 25, 2012
Verbal abuse as well as physical abuse can be caused by an addict to those around him. Counseling provides help for the abused person, allowing her to gain control over her life in getting the help she needs to protect her from the abuse. The abuser wants to be enabled and will be angry if such action is withheld, and he is confronted. Codependency runs rampant in the addict’s family system and needs to be dealt with by intervention or by the one suffering abuse staying away if possible from the abuser. Getting counseling is a must for the person wanting to recover from codependency and from having to suffer abuse. It is a very serious process and needs to be taken seriously. Denial will not accomplish anything but cover over the problem and make it worse. This is dangerous to the person being abused. Denial is pretending it all isn’t happening or “isn’t that bad”.
Why family enables addict/alcoholic #3
March 25, 2012
3) Family values. Many families take pride in being “fine” and perfect. They feel they can take care of “their own” and need no outside help. It would be embarrassing to have anyone know they have problems in their family. Family members can rationalize that no one is perfect and just learn to live around the addict as they would any sick person. This is destructive to other members of the family and will cause them to have physical and emotional problems. This type of family becomes good at ignoring the problem or praying it away without taking action to remedy the problem. Self image is important to the family members, and they feel it is blight on their image to have a problem they can’t handle. A counselor could intervene and help them see they can do something about their roles in the dysfunctional family. A counselor could help them see they should have no shame and guilt in a common problem that is so widespread throughout countries of the world, especially the United States. To effectively attack the problem, the family members have to be in enough pain and fear that they are willing to seek help and reach out to a counselor. Until then, the family members often feel they are stuck and can’t do anything about their situation, except live with it. Counselor could help them see they have choices
Enabling the Addict/Alcoholic #2
March 14, 2012
2) Maintain the self image of the person being abused by the addict. There is often a lot of shame connected to being abused and being with an addict. How would the abused “look” to others would if he/she admitted there was a problem? Would people blame her or look down on her for being in that position? She might feel guilty thinking she did something to cause the addict to be addicted. This is especially true for parents with children who are addicts. They might think they did or didn’t do something they should have done that caused the addiction. They might think if only they could be different, then the addict would stop the behavior. The fact is they didn’t cause it, they can’t control it, and they can’t cure it. There is a lot of information available, especially in Twelve Step Programs that can give them information about the disease and their part in it and how it is affecting them. A counselor can teach them knowledge about addiction of all kinds. They need to come out of isolation, so they can learn about the disease and learn it isn’t their fault. Enablers need to see they are codependent.
Enabling the Addict/Alcoholic #1
March 11, 2012
Since I have a client who has been enabling her spouse in addictive behavior and now finally sees how damaging that behavior is to her, I was curious what motivated her to continue to make excuses for the addict for so long. The next few days I will go into reasons why a person would block out the addict’s behavior or just go on praying for him as a way to avoid doing anything about it without taking action.
I will give five reasons over the next few days.
1) Depending on the severity of the addiction and the addict’s temperament, the enabler might be afraid of the addict’s violence and be anxious about the harm the addict might do to her. The enabler might even feel her life is in danger if she confronts the addict in any meaningful way, such as giving an ultimatum of treatment/meetings or else she will leave the person. This is generally more threatening to a woman than to a man, but woman as well as men are known to be violent if confronted with their addictions and become aware that corrective action is about to be taken. The enabler might also be afraid the addict will do something to hurt her. Therefore, it is best to do nothing without the backing of a counselor who is adept in matters of addiction and tough love.
Deep permeanting anger needs many sesssions to heal
September 20, 2010
People come to me and want me to fix their anger in 3 months time and we work very hard on it and make some great progress. However, there is an underlying deep and pervasive anger inside the person which takes subtle and deep work over a period of time to transform that. If the person is in denial it makes it very difficult to help them see they have this deep anger. They know their relationships are not right but think it is the other person mostly. I try to gently let them know they are doing themselves in by not dealing with this permeating anger and rage and they can be free if they will but follow some simple instrutions I can give them and we can talk about it as well as do deep process work on it. Counseling and life coaching are ways to do this and I hope you take advantage of it. You can change your attitudes and your life.
How to be free of anger running you
September 16, 2010
When explaining to a client yesterday about being free of anger “running you”, I thought this would make an interesting blog. I’ve done a series on anger which you can find by pressing “next” over and over on my website. However, I never said it quite this way which might be helpful to some of you. When you react off of other people with anger you are in your codependency; it may seem like you are winning but you really are losing. If another person’s behavior is something you don’t like and you have a feeling of anger, think first and then ACT out of your own being by saying what you need and what you do not like. If they don’t listen to you and respond then you are dealing with someone who does not care about your feelings and there is no need to continue the conversation. If you stay angry and argue or try to convince the person you are right you are losing yourself. Holding onto anger is bad for your body and health. If you use that anger to motivate you to do something, it is not coming out of your center but is reactionary to others. It can cause you to do behaviors that will have negative consequences. .Holding onto anger can lead to addictions and abuseive relationships. Depression is anger turned inward. Being angry at yourself is futile. Anger repressed or overt can cause fatigue, insomnia, and pain. Anger held onto will kill love. Experiment with this and see how it feels and what the different results are from different behaviors of yours. You will learn a lot about yourself and free yourself from the control of others.
Defensive behavior result of toxic relationships, addictions, codependency.
June 9, 2010
Defensive behavior is the result of toxic relationships, addictions, and/or codependency. Having affairs is devastating to both the person who is having it and the one who is being betrayed. It may not seem obvious to the person who is in the affair, secretive and isolating, but the anger and sickness is there even if they are in denial about it. The person “left behind” is actually in a better position to get healthy again with help from a qualified person such as a coach or counselor. That is because that person is facing reality and seeing what is going on. If the person is in denial he/she can be enabling which just makes the problem worse. The personal with the affair is in denial and is caught in addictions. This leads to loss of self-esteem and confidence, to anxiety and depression, and tremendous anger whether it is shown or not. The person left behind may feel stuck and financially afraid to separate or just too codependent to do so. The loss of spirituality is so obvious and needs attention to resolve the situation. Healthy relationships are possible with the right kind of couples counseling and just individual work. It is worth it to have your sleeping back again, to be out of guilt and emotional pain and perhaps physical pain. I got a call from France from a woman who was a gifted child and through abuse from her Mother for all of her life and then betrayal of her spouse, she found herself in such back pain she ended up having an operation which has debilitated her. Now she wants her life back. She can have it back with intense coaching and counseling but she will have to work very hard on her anger and grief and loss she has been through. Do not wait until you are in that position to get help. Get it BEFORE it goes into physical dysfunction and such loss.
Anger management is more than a few sessions
May 26, 2010
I get a lot of calls from people who have been arrested and want 4 or 5 sessions to get the police off their back. They claim they do not have an anger problem usually or if they do it is insignificant. People do not get arrested because they are in charge of their anger and in control of their life. Anger is a complicated emotion, one of unmet needs and many contributing factors. There are so many causes of anger and people need to know the difference between the acceptable way to express it and the inappropriate way they are expressing it. I give 8 week classes in which I cover all there is to know about this very complicated emotion with lots of personal work with each person. I keep my classes down to 8 or less. I am not doing a class right now so I can offer the same thing basically with individual sessions. This is very personal and can take a 3 month commitment with me (once a week with homework on email) to be really be free of their anger by understanding where it comes from. It is different with each person which is why I personalize it. If someone is really serious about dealing with their anger (repressed or overt) then they will sign up with me and get it all cleared. They will have practice with me and in letters over the email (only to be sent to me). Their boundaries will improve, self-esteem and confidence come back, make positive choices, and have some peace in their life. Their relationships will improve greatly and love can abound where only anger was there. There will be no more defensive relationships, they can deal with their grief and loss issues, and learning to say no. I have written many blogs on anger (press “next” in the blog area of my website until you come to about 6 blogs going into anger throughly) and if someone wants to really know about this emotion that is the place to start along with calling me and setting up a session. I will not take on someone who just wants a few sessions to get the police off their back. I want people who sincerely want to be free of their anger running their life. Then they will not have to worry about police or spouses’ rage. They will find some spirituality to live by. Prayer may become a daily part of their life. Their will be no more abuse of oneself and of others or of being abused by others. The pain and health issues will clear up. All this can happen by getting to know their anger and doing something about it. See all the testimonials in my website on anger healing. Codependency causes anger and pain and can be healed. It brings on addictions which can be healed. There is so much help available today. Please call me and set up some sessions to be free of this debilitating emotion when used wrongly. Depression is a sure sign of anger help inward. If one can just lift up the phone or email me they can have freedom from toxic anger and anxiety.
Healthy vs Toxic Relationships
May 20, 2010
People get really confused with all the information out there about relationships. It’s as if all you have to do it pray or think positively and your relationships are going to be happy and healthy. There is a lot more to it than that. You need to know the difference between healthy and toxic ones. I go into this fully in my book which can be ordered on line in my website which you probably have if you are reading this. In counseling and coaching sessions I help you get very clear in your relationships so you remove guilt, remorse, grief and anger; you can clean up your side of the street. There is nothing I can do about the other person unless you feel it is worth having couples counseling. In that I can do wonders for both people. First it is important you deal with your grief and loss, your codependency, your addictions so that you are as clear as can be. Sometimes it is impossible for you to do what I have suggested because you are so bogged down by defensive behavior and abuse in the relationship. This is where you can start to get help. Email me at tonkisue@comcast.net to make contact with me and leave your phone number and some good times to reach you. Start now! Get your self esteem back, your confidence, spirituality, physical health. Heal your anxiety and depression. All of these things are being affected by toxic relationships. Most people have no idea how the stress of unhealthy relationships can pull you down into the pits and into serious codependency. Please email or call now.
