Deep permeanting anger needs many sesssions to heal
September 20, 2010
People come to me and want me to fix their anger in 3 months time and we work very hard on it and make some great progress. However, there is an underlying deep and pervasive anger inside the person which takes subtle and deep work over a period of time to transform that. If the person is in denial it makes it very difficult to help them see they have this deep anger. They know their relationships are not right but think it is the other person mostly. I try to gently let them know they are doing themselves in by not dealing with this permeating anger and rage and they can be free if they will but follow some simple instrutions I can give them and we can talk about it as well as do deep process work on it. Counseling and life coaching are ways to do this and I hope you take advantage of it. You can change your attitudes and your life.
How to be free of anger running you
September 16, 2010
When explaining to a client yesterday about being free of anger “running you”, I thought this would make an interesting blog. I’ve done a series on anger which you can find by pressing “next” over and over on my website. However, I never said it quite this way which might be helpful to some of you. When you react off of other people with anger you are in your codependency; it may seem like you are winning but you really are losing. If another person’s behavior is something you don’t like and you have a feeling of anger, think first and then ACT out of your own being by saying what you need and what you do not like. If they don’t listen to you and respond then you are dealing with someone who does not care about your feelings and there is no need to continue the conversation. If you stay angry and argue or try to convince the person you are right you are losing yourself. Holding onto anger is bad for your body and health. If you use that anger to motivate you to do something, it is not coming out of your center but is reactionary to others. It can cause you to do behaviors that will have negative consequences. .Holding onto anger can lead to addictions and abuseive relationships. Depression is anger turned inward. Being angry at yourself is futile. Anger repressed or overt can cause fatigue, insomnia, and pain. Anger held onto will kill love. Experiment with this and see how it feels and what the different results are from different behaviors of yours. You will learn a lot about yourself and free yourself from the control of others.
Defensive behavior result of toxic relationships, addictions, codependency.
June 9, 2010
Defensive behavior is the result of toxic relationships, addictions, and/or codependency. Having affairs is devastating to both the person who is having it and the one who is being betrayed. It may not seem obvious to the person who is in the affair, secretive and isolating, but the anger and sickness is there even if they are in denial about it. The person “left behind” is actually in a better position to get healthy again with help from a qualified person such as a coach or counselor. That is because that person is facing reality and seeing what is going on. If the person is in denial he/she can be enabling which just makes the problem worse. The personal with the affair is in denial and is caught in addictions. This leads to loss of self-esteem and confidence, to anxiety and depression, and tremendous anger whether it is shown or not. The person left behind may feel stuck and financially afraid to separate or just too codependent to do so. The loss of spirituality is so obvious and needs attention to resolve the situation. Healthy relationships are possible with the right kind of couples counseling and just individual work. It is worth it to have your sleeping back again, to be out of guilt and emotional pain and perhaps physical pain. I got a call from France from a woman who was a gifted child and through abuse from her Mother for all of her life and then betrayal of her spouse, she found herself in such back pain she ended up having an operation which has debilitated her. Now she wants her life back. She can have it back with intense coaching and counseling but she will have to work very hard on her anger and grief and loss she has been through. Do not wait until you are in that position to get help. Get it BEFORE it goes into physical dysfunction and such loss.
Anger management is more than a few sessions
May 26, 2010
I get a lot of calls from people who have been arrested and want 4 or 5 sessions to get the police off their back. They claim they do not have an anger problem usually or if they do it is insignificant. People do not get arrested because they are in charge of their anger and in control of their life. Anger is a complicated emotion, one of unmet needs and many contributing factors. There are so many causes of anger and people need to know the difference between the acceptable way to express it and the inappropriate way they are expressing it. I give 8 week classes in which I cover all there is to know about this very complicated emotion with lots of personal work with each person. I keep my classes down to 8 or less. I am not doing a class right now so I can offer the same thing basically with individual sessions. This is very personal and can take a 3 month commitment with me (once a week with homework on email) to be really be free of their anger by understanding where it comes from. It is different with each person which is why I personalize it. If someone is really serious about dealing with their anger (repressed or overt) then they will sign up with me and get it all cleared. They will have practice with me and in letters over the email (only to be sent to me). Their boundaries will improve, self-esteem and confidence come back, make positive choices, and have some peace in their life. Their relationships will improve greatly and love can abound where only anger was there. There will be no more defensive relationships, they can deal with their grief and loss issues, and learning to say no. I have written many blogs on anger (press “next” in the blog area of my website until you come to about 6 blogs going into anger throughly) and if someone wants to really know about this emotion that is the place to start along with calling me and setting up a session. I will not take on someone who just wants a few sessions to get the police off their back. I want people who sincerely want to be free of their anger running their life. Then they will not have to worry about police or spouses’ rage. They will find some spirituality to live by. Prayer may become a daily part of their life. Their will be no more abuse of oneself and of others or of being abused by others. The pain and health issues will clear up. All this can happen by getting to know their anger and doing something about it. See all the testimonials in my website on anger healing. Codependency causes anger and pain and can be healed. It brings on addictions which can be healed. There is so much help available today. Please call me and set up some sessions to be free of this debilitating emotion when used wrongly. Depression is a sure sign of anger help inward. If one can just lift up the phone or email me they can have freedom from toxic anger and anxiety.
Healthy vs Toxic Relationships
May 20, 2010
People get really confused with all the information out there about relationships. It’s as if all you have to do it pray or think positively and your relationships are going to be happy and healthy. There is a lot more to it than that. You need to know the difference between healthy and toxic ones. I go into this fully in my book which can be ordered on line in my website which you probably have if you are reading this. In counseling and coaching sessions I help you get very clear in your relationships so you remove guilt, remorse, grief and anger; you can clean up your side of the street. There is nothing I can do about the other person unless you feel it is worth having couples counseling. In that I can do wonders for both people. First it is important you deal with your grief and loss, your codependency, your addictions so that you are as clear as can be. Sometimes it is impossible for you to do what I have suggested because you are so bogged down by defensive behavior and abuse in the relationship. This is where you can start to get help. Email me at tonkisue@comcast.net to make contact with me and leave your phone number and some good times to reach you. Start now! Get your self esteem back, your confidence, spirituality, physical health. Heal your anxiety and depression. All of these things are being affected by toxic relationships. Most people have no idea how the stress of unhealthy relationships can pull you down into the pits and into serious codependency. Please email or call now.
Group experience for anger work
May 13, 2010
The group experience for anger work is far superior to working on it in individual sessions in counseling or coaching although they can certainly help. By hearing other people’s anger in a directed setting and safe, confidentail environment you won’t feel so alone and it will also encourage you to share your own truth about your anger. Many people have repressed anger (don’t know they have it) and this can come out much more easily when in a group and getting that support and those examples of the same problem. By the end of a 8 week workshop (once a week) if you have done the anger work as asked (and everyone usually does), you will find a new freedom, confidence, and self-esteem. Your spirituality will open up and you may find grief and forgiveness. If you are working with a qualified counselor you will be guided every step of the way with individual telephone calls and emails in between the sessions. You will find a power in yourself and a control over your emotions that you never dreamed possible. This is the report I have gotten from those who have done the 8 week sessions and done all the processing which is experiential. You will no longer need defensive behavior nor will you put up with it from another. You will no longer blame nor accept blame from someone else. The abuse in relationships will be gone. It is quite a process and it is worth the time and the money. Relationships that are healthy (not toxic) are rare and special. This is what you deserve. Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions there is. You can get clear on it and be in charge of your own destiny. You will have freedom from anxiety and depression and insomnia which are all products of misused anger or repressed anger. You will change for the better. I’ve seen it over and over, little and big miracles, from doing group work with anger.
Many faces of Anger and how to be free of it’s power
May 11, 2010
Anger has many faces and if you want to be free and full of self confidence and self-esteem, you need to release all that anger in a postive way. I have written many blogs quite awhile ago about the complexities of anger and now I am offering a teleconference of 8 weeks to study anger and learn what is a healthy way to express it and what is toxic to you and others. It is limited to a small number of people so I can give each person personal attention and work with them in between classes. There is experiential work which is life changing for those who have experienced it. See the testimonials. I work with repressed anger (you don’t know you have it) and get it up and out in a healthy way. This class is totally confidential and very sacred. I have been doing this for 35 years and had great success for the people who have taken it. I also do individual work on anger which is excellent; however, I personally think the workshop over a 8 week period with other people who you can practice with and who will validate you work is superior. That is why I do it. The persons who take it can call me in between sessions and email me during the week. This is getting both group work which is exceptional and personal work at the same time. I incouraging anyone whose life is not working to consider it could be unexpressed anger and this workshop will change your life. It will take the abuse out of your life and put joy into it. It will change relationships. It will help you sleep at night and be full of life in the daytime! I’ve seen it happen over and over. Please give it a try and get the rewards.
Toxic relationships and codependency
May 4, 2010
Toxic relationships and codependency are hand in hand. Being abused can be like a lobster put in a pot and turning up the heat very slowly until it doesn’t even know it is being abused. If you are in a toxic relationship, get help immediately. Without it you can lose your health, going from doctor to doctor, and it is mostly stress caused by your own codependency and from being abused by another. You may even get into abusing back. That makes you feel ok in the moment but really hurts you in the long run. Or you may be too scared to say anything: peace at any price. You may go around on egg shells trying not to “set off” the other person. Of course, that is self defeating and bring low self esteem to you because the abuser is going to “go off” in cycles no matter what you do and blame you for it. Sometimes it is incredible how you can be blamed for something you have nothing to do with. Your problem is you get defensive and try to explain or pacify the abuser. Defensive behavior is a complete waste of time. If you really did something, own it and make amends and be done with it. If the other person holds a grudge, that’s their problem, not yours. However with codependency you may feel it is your fault and one of the first things to know is you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. This especially pertains to abusers with addictions (and there are so many subtle ones) mainly to drugs, gambling, alcohol, sports (over the edge where a personality change takes place), porno, going outside the marriage or relationship for “love” and “sex”. You do not need to put up with this anymore. Start today and get some really good help from someone who knows what they are talking about and perhaps have been through it themselves. Get your confidence back, get your voice back. Speak up! Move on with your OWN life regardless of the other person. You do not have to take it anymore!!! You can grieve the loss of what you had or thought you had and move on. You can get into anger work with someone who is a real specialist in the various types of anger and be freed.
Healthy Love is the way out of Codependency
April 28, 2010
Healthy love is the way out of Codpendency. The topic of love is so misused and misunderstood and I would like to clarify it. Toxic love is when it is all about “me” and not about you. Being able to do “tough love” when the person you are connected to is abusing you or themselves is not doing what feels good but is doing what is right and will help both of you. It is detaching with love: knowing the other person has a higher power and it isn’t you. In many religions, especially Christianity, love is a decision, a commitment to love others as God loves you. It is not as you love you because most of use don’t treat ourselves very well. All you need to do is be alone and watch your mind go and you can see all the negative messages we give ourselves. That is abusive to yourself. That is not love. So, when you make a decision to love others it is not based on a feeling which can be fleeting. Feelings come and go and are important to acknowledge and love is one of those feelings which can be very powerful. I have a friend who is having some difficulty in her life and I not only pray for her but I see her name in my mind and put the word Love on it. I do that every day and it is amazing. She is getting better. Now this may be some dynamic I don’t understand but I know it is working. Codependency has you twisted in a sick kind of love. Find someone who can help you out of that. It is worth it when your whole being can be filled with love most of the time. That is real spirituality. I have finally found a church that makes sense to me and is full of real love and honesty. When I am there I am so filled with love tears flow out of me in gratitude. I wish everyone could have what I am having there and in my life.
