Healthy Love is the way out of Codependency
April 28, 2010
Healthy love is the way out of Codpendency. The topic of love is so misused and misunderstood and I would like to clarify it. Toxic love is when it is all about “me” and not about you. Being able to do “tough love” when the person you are connected to is abusing you or themselves is not doing what feels good but is doing what is right and will help both of you. It is detaching with love: knowing the other person has a higher power and it isn’t you. In many religions, especially Christianity, love is a decision, a commitment to love others as God loves you. It is not as you love you because most of use don’t treat ourselves very well. All you need to do is be alone and watch your mind go and you can see all the negative messages we give ourselves. That is abusive to yourself. That is not love. So, when you make a decision to love others it is not based on a feeling which can be fleeting. Feelings come and go and are important to acknowledge and love is one of those feelings which can be very powerful. I have a friend who is having some difficulty in her life and I not only pray for her but I see her name in my mind and put the word Love on it. I do that every day and it is amazing. She is getting better. Now this may be some dynamic I don’t understand but I know it is working. Codependency has you twisted in a sick kind of love. Find someone who can help you out of that. It is worth it when your whole being can be filled with love most of the time. That is real spirituality. I have finally found a church that makes sense to me and is full of real love and honesty. When I am there I am so filled with love tears flow out of me in gratitude. I wish everyone could have what I am having there and in my life.
A story about Alanon from the Forum
February 9, 2010
I would like to basically quote a story from the Alanon professional magazine, the Forum, to familiarize many of you with this wonderful program. Here it is: “I am an incest survivor; I met an alcoholic the day I was born. I replaced him with other alcoholics as well as gamblers and addicts of every kind. I was single until I was 52. I remember thinking, “I’ve finally got myself a ‘normal’ guy!” But the truth was, his life had been affected by someone else’s drinking and he hadn’t found recovery. Did I trust my own program of 12 years enough to marry this man I loved? I did but had to become a newcomer all over again–frightened, angry living with fear. In these 3 years of recovery with my new partner who did join Alanon we’ve done a lot of dancing as we have been growing. It is important to be accountable and to tell the truth to someone. Shame drags me down and makes for a life of sleeplessness and emotional/physical pain. If I keep my problems up and out I don’t have to live in shame. I, Dr. Susan, have paraphrased some of this so that it won’t be too long.Counseling and coaching helped my partner and I rid ourselves of our old patterns and marriage counseling was the icing on the cake. Spirituality is at the base of our relationship and my life. I hope this has been helpful.
Anger Management-Susan
January 9, 2010
I am writing an article on anger management and the many ways we misuse anger. It is so important an issue and causes so many problems that I want to mention it here again. I did a series about the misuses of anger, and you might want to go over those again.
Anger is a complicated emotion and needs to be studied as if you were a detective. Life coaching and counseling is almost crucial to free one of this destructive emotion when it is misused. If used properly, anger can be helpful, but few people know how to do it well. It can cause strain in marriages and in any relationship, and couples counseling can relieve that. It can cause physical illness and eat away at one’s soul. Many people today are in denial that their anger has reached the point of causing them physical and mental harm and they subject others to it in ways that I described in previous blogs.
There is enough anger in the world. Use it for energy and to do good for others and not to destroy. It is an energy that can be used to motivate one to get things done and to do positive things to make this world a better place. Handled properly, it can keep your spiritual channels open and make you into a real contributor to humanity.
If you are suffering grief and loss, you may need bereavement counseling, so you can work though problems without hurting yourself or others. This is part of the process of grief. I used to get anxiety until I found out it was really anger I wasn’t expressing (or even acknowledging). As soon as I recognized my anger and began to express it and do something about the cause, the anxiety went away. The same can happen with depression, which is anger turned inward.
To be free of resentment and using anger inappropriately is a godsend. I am very grateful to have learned all about it years ago when I was in my codependency and addictions. I found that anger was causing me pain and guilt and physical illness. Guilt and shame for no reason was dogging me. Anger caused insomnia and sleepless, certainly restless sleep. I am grateful that I am a curious and persistent person who likes to find answers. It has saved my life
Anxiety and Counseling/Coaching
September 11, 2009
Forty years ago I used to have killer anxiety so badly that I could barely function. I went to a counselor who helped me sort through the complicated emotion, and now I have been free of it until recently when a short bout (which is still emotionally painful) will hit me—sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night. I can use the suggestions I wrote in my anxiety article on my webpage, because I had that original counseling and now understand it. I just have to do some things to stop it. Fortunately, it does not often arise to plague me, but, when it does, it is awful.
I really like to help people with this problem, because I know the pain and suffering it can cause. Anxiety can come from being abused by someone, from financial worries, or from unwanted changes that have to be made. I read in the paper today that anxiety causes twice the amount of abuse, alcoholism, addiction, depression, and physical illnesses than has been previously reported. I can believe that!! I am really working hard to remain free of anxiety and doing pretty well, but sometimes it sneaks up on me and wham! I get a dose of it. Medication isn’t really the answer, because it isn’t dealing with the problem. If I can’t handle this myself, in other words, if I get more than an occasional bout, I will seek coaching and counseling to get back on track. I know it can be done.
Anxiety is also a real sign of codependency, and it comes from worry and uncertainty beyond the normal range. Anger is a big part of anxiety, so look at what you are angry about and do something about it. It really raises havoc with your sleep and causes insomnia and restless sleep. It affects marriages negatively, and marriage counseling might be in order. It can bring on violence, guilt, and shame. It definitely affects self esteem and self confidence negatively. This is a serious problem that CAN be helped, with the right counselor/coach.
Survery Cites Incidents of Violence, Verbal Abuse
August 7, 2009
USA TODAY wrote about an online survey saying the nurses association claims that more than half of nurses who work in emergency departments report they’ve been physically assaulted on the job. One in four nurses reported experiencing assaults more than 20 times in the past three years, and one in five said they had experienced verbal abuse more than 200 times during the same period. Laws protecting emergency department nurses vary widely by state, and some states have no laws. Most people enter the profession to help people, not to get beat up and not to see your coworkers get eat up.
I have had several nurses as clients, and they have all been exceptionally responsible, compassionate people. They have been abused by their supervisors, by doctors, and other RNs, as well as patients. This is a frightening situation when so much abuse and codependency is going on in a field where professionals are usually top of the line. I have been able to help them set boundaries, be assertive, and refuse to be abused. I have had a most rewarding experience in seeing these clients grow and expand, knowing I have helped them deal affirmatively with this problem.
Abuse can cause tremendous stress and physical illnesses. It can cause depression and anxiety. Abuse can cause weight gain/obesity or chronic weight loss, addiction, or difficulty with people trying to maintain their freedom from addictions in which they were involved. It can bring on alcoholism and cause low self esteem. I am dedicated to bringing an end to this abuse to these very special people, as I am against abuse of any kind anywhere.
How Can I Serve Today All Who Need Help
July 18, 2009
I have spent the day writing articles and doing what I have to do for my own well being, and I ask how, with all of my thirty five years of expertise and wisdom and hard earned pain of learning, can I serve others and make a difference. I know it is hard to make goals when you are depressed or anxious or in grief. I know it is almost impossible to do so without help. I am here to help with addictions, codependency, communication, love, and hope. I want to continue to make a difference in peoples’ lives. My prayers go out to you who will read this and perhaps answer your own needs by calling me. Let yourself know you will be encouraged so you can sleep and not be plagued with insomnia. Depression and anxiety cause insomnia. Let yourself be helped so you can sleep peacefully.
Moon Landing
July 15, 2009
Forty years ago Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon as the first man to ever do this. His words were: “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” We have been musing about this for several days now and how it parallels many activities in our lives. Each one of us usually begins an activity with one small step adding determination and perseverance to that activity. We often hope this will become a habit and soon part of our everyday life.
Every once in awhile, when the inner spirit speaks to us to leap into something, that is when we can do so with the full faith that we are doing what is right for us. Spirituality often requires a leap of faith to really accomplish it; just begin praying, talking, and listening to whatever we believe is the universal force.
Before humans landed on the moon, it was just a vision held by relatively few people and negated by many. The same is true of spirituality. Try it and do it with abandon while waiting and watching for results. I did that forty years ago and found amazing results in my life that were not there before.
