Grief and emotional pain with loss of anyone we love so fully
March 12, 2011
March 9 Sabrina, my beloved cat of l6 years. ..still playing and jumping up on the valance of the curtain. ..until the day before. She died and now I am seeing that she decided to die so she wouldn’t have to go through any more tests and pokes. She also did not want me to see her sick. She wants me to remember her in all her glory. That is where I am today and feeling gratitude for having her in my life so long.
I was not here, nor will the emotional pain be gone soon, when she died. I was in shock. I cried a lot at first and then I got very angry and wanted her back and nothing was making sense (even though I did 2 sessions the next day was fine in them) and I wish I had never had her teeth cleaned because she had to take medicine after and if I’d known that I never would have done it. Sabrina did not take medicine well. She fought it. She was her own cat and the alpha cat in a home of 4 cats. I went through 2 days of physical symptoms and was ready to call a doctor and then I remembered they were all part of the process. I was in such emotional pain and anguish I didn’t want to be in my body. There were so many feelings and my left brain just wouldn’t work, like doing anything on Facebook or anything that was analytical. I was praying constantly just to get through the pain. I couldn’t get her out of my mind and kept remembering all her special qualities that I’d never see again. I didn’t want to talk to people much because I didn’t want to hear the platitudes, like “she’s in a better place” which wasn’t true. She loved her home and us and was very happy. God does know what we need because I had a chi gong body session yesterday (and I never have had one two weeks in a row) and received such love and healing that I got some relief. Crying is good and I am not good at crying for myself (I am for others) so I pray to cry and let go of the hurt inside me, especially in my gut. This is where I am at now. The reason I have such a love for cats is that mly Father gave me a cat when I was 6 yr. old and lost my brother who I adored. That bond is unbreakable. I have always had loving cats who all get along with each other all my life. Thank you for listening.
Self-esteem, self worth, and assertiveness
February 4, 2011
A positive self-image is critical to living in this world. Our self-image is dependent on self-esteem, self worth, and the resultant assertiveness. It is the key that opens the doors which can be chosen by asking your higher self which doors are the right ones to open. We always pass on our self-image to our children for they know who we really are. I did a lot of praying for the courage to challenge my old tendency to discount myself. I had a lot of counseling and coaching to help me do that. I prayed that all my strong points would be very clear to me, each day. I had to learn to love myself by letting others love me and support me. That means I had to open up and ask for help and be honest. Today I have nothing to hide and am grateful for my ability to be assertive in a straight and honest way without being pushy or aggresive. I am amazed at how strong I am when I am up against something challenging and sometimes have no direct support except my highter power who I chose to call God. I will write more on this subject because I feel it is so important. You will hear from me in a few days to continue this topic. I am generally not codependent which I have worked on for many years and it has saved my life.
How to be free of anger running you
September 16, 2010
When explaining to a client yesterday about being free of anger “running you”, I thought this would make an interesting blog. I’ve done a series on anger which you can find by pressing “next” over and over on my website. However, I never said it quite this way which might be helpful to some of you. When you react off of other people with anger you are in your codependency; it may seem like you are winning but you really are losing. If another person’s behavior is something you don’t like and you have a feeling of anger, think first and then ACT out of your own being by saying what you need and what you do not like. If they don’t listen to you and respond then you are dealing with someone who does not care about your feelings and there is no need to continue the conversation. If you stay angry and argue or try to convince the person you are right you are losing yourself. Holding onto anger is bad for your body and health. If you use that anger to motivate you to do something, it is not coming out of your center but is reactionary to others. It can cause you to do behaviors that will have negative consequences. .Holding onto anger can lead to addictions and abuseive relationships. Depression is anger turned inward. Being angry at yourself is futile. Anger repressed or overt can cause fatigue, insomnia, and pain. Anger held onto will kill love. Experiment with this and see how it feels and what the different results are from different behaviors of yours. You will learn a lot about yourself and free yourself from the control of others.
Life and death of my aunt and grief and loss
August 28, 2010
My Aunt Pauline was there from the time I can remember. Every summer I would go out to my grandparents in Ohio on the farm and then go to visit her. She lived just a mile away. My 5 cousins were like brothers and sisters to me and we had a great time playing and visiting relatives around the area. I could talk to Aunt Pauline about anything and as I grew older we got into some really deep subjects. It was wonderful to call her after I moved to Tucson and wasn’t visiting Ohio so much. She and I would talk about everything. She had many challenges in life but she met them with dignity and dealt with her anger in a healthy way. When her children were little her home burned down but she came through like a champ and they built a new onw which she’s been in ever since. My grandparents took the whole family in until they got their new home. She was sharp as can be mentally, president of the quilters association, went to Senior luncheons and lived in her own home all her life with her little poodle who adored her. Her daughter came out every day and they would do things together and her oldest son came out every day and then would watch the games with her on Saturdays. Her home had flowers everywhere including inside! She was 99 years old and doing well except her kidneys started failing. Finally her kids took her to the hospital which she hated but had a phone and I could call her and talk. Three days ago I called in the morning, just had a “feeling” I needed to talk to her and see if the new medicine she was trying was working. She sounded bright as can be and was so glad to hear from me. She told me excitedly “they are coming to take me home today” (meaning her son and daughter). So I cried a few tears of joy and was really happy for her since I know how important “home” is. I love my home and do not want to leave it. Then I got a call from another cousin who said she didn’t “make it”. I called Lois who took care of her, her daughter, and she told me the story which I think is quite beautiful. She got home and sat on the sofa with her dog on her lap and Lois having her arm around her. Jerry, her son, was there with her, too. Suddenly she said she didn’t feel well and next thing she was gone. Home to her heavenly home. I wish so much I could be with the whole family at this time but I am in a very intense program for my health for 3 months and cannot leave. So I have been talking to all the “kids” on the phone and I ordered a dozen roses and other flowers to make a beautiful bouquet to put by her head at the visiting hours and funeral. I am thanking God for the special opportunity I got to talk to her that morning and I will always hear her voice in my head of what she said that day. I am grieving here but I am not alone because I have friends to share it with and the phone to talk to my family. It is important that I tell this God inspired story about a wonderful woman who did so much for others and had so much love in her heart. The loss is great but what a great way to die and not have to suffer all kinds of treatments. I am grateful for the many blessings I have like this. I just have to follow my first intuition and act on it if it comes from the heart. Now I cry tears of gratitude for knowing this woman and for her long life with her mind in tact (and her body working pretty well until the end!!).
Grief has it’s own process
August 23, 2010
Grief has it’s own process and there is no way to “hurry” it along. I just went through several weeks of it myself while looking at small houses to buy and preparing to sell my fairly large and “perfect” house. I didn’t really know for sure what I was going through; I just knew I was angry a lot and crying a lot. These are not normal behaviors for me. I would really try to have a good attitude when we would go out looking at houses (town houses or condos) and by the end of the day I was so exhausted I could hardly do anything. I really tried to imagine how my smaller amount of furniture would fit in the rooms and what I would do to make it a home. Then I’d come home to my light, airy, visually beautiful home full of comfort and everything in it’s place. I did all the financing figures and kept coming up with it would cost more to move than to stay here since I don’t have to fix anything up here. I am talking to a life coach and praying a lot. I know the answers will come because they always do. Finally after several weeks I came to a point where I stopped grieving. Now I have a free choice: to move or stay. Right now it feels like stay very strongly. I certainly am glad to be through the depression and anxiety and sleeplessness, guilt, remorse, shame and all the other feelings that accompanied the grief. I feel freed and lifted even though the decision is still not made. I know I need to plan for the future but I only have today to live to the fullest. Growing older is a challenge and I’m far from elder care, I hope, but I have to think of that eventually. I am glad to have had this cleansing experience. I feel like a new person!
Self Esteem and Codependency
July 15, 2010
Self esteem and codependency are linked closely. Lack of self esteem is seen in persons high in codependency. They have trouble making decisions and sticking to a project. They look at all the things they don’t like about themselves and save very little time to thinking about all their assets. This is where a counselor or coach can come in and really help. One can help the codependent to really turn their life around and start seeing all the positives in themselves and their potential. With weekly commitment to goals they can quite quickly start feeling better about themselves. Depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, weight gain or anorexia can be absolished. Anger can be dispelled: distinguishing between old, useless anger and new appropriate anger and what to do with it in a constructive way. They fall prey to addictions and loss of spirituality. Without self esteem a person is not going to get what he/she wants and will continue in a pit of saddness. Get yourself some help if you fit into this blog information!
Anger management is more than a few sessions
May 26, 2010
I get a lot of calls from people who have been arrested and want 4 or 5 sessions to get the police off their back. They claim they do not have an anger problem usually or if they do it is insignificant. People do not get arrested because they are in charge of their anger and in control of their life. Anger is a complicated emotion, one of unmet needs and many contributing factors. There are so many causes of anger and people need to know the difference between the acceptable way to express it and the inappropriate way they are expressing it. I give 8 week classes in which I cover all there is to know about this very complicated emotion with lots of personal work with each person. I keep my classes down to 8 or less. I am not doing a class right now so I can offer the same thing basically with individual sessions. This is very personal and can take a 3 month commitment with me (once a week with homework on email) to be really be free of their anger by understanding where it comes from. It is different with each person which is why I personalize it. If someone is really serious about dealing with their anger (repressed or overt) then they will sign up with me and get it all cleared. They will have practice with me and in letters over the email (only to be sent to me). Their boundaries will improve, self-esteem and confidence come back, make positive choices, and have some peace in their life. Their relationships will improve greatly and love can abound where only anger was there. There will be no more defensive relationships, they can deal with their grief and loss issues, and learning to say no. I have written many blogs on anger (press “next” in the blog area of my website until you come to about 6 blogs going into anger throughly) and if someone wants to really know about this emotion that is the place to start along with calling me and setting up a session. I will not take on someone who just wants a few sessions to get the police off their back. I want people who sincerely want to be free of their anger running their life. Then they will not have to worry about police or spouses’ rage. They will find some spirituality to live by. Prayer may become a daily part of their life. Their will be no more abuse of oneself and of others or of being abused by others. The pain and health issues will clear up. All this can happen by getting to know their anger and doing something about it. See all the testimonials in my website on anger healing. Codependency causes anger and pain and can be healed. It brings on addictions which can be healed. There is so much help available today. Please call me and set up some sessions to be free of this debilitating emotion when used wrongly. Depression is a sure sign of anger help inward. If one can just lift up the phone or email me they can have freedom from toxic anger and anxiety.
Healthy vs Toxic Relationships
May 20, 2010
People get really confused with all the information out there about relationships. It’s as if all you have to do it pray or think positively and your relationships are going to be happy and healthy. There is a lot more to it than that. You need to know the difference between healthy and toxic ones. I go into this fully in my book which can be ordered on line in my website which you probably have if you are reading this. In counseling and coaching sessions I help you get very clear in your relationships so you remove guilt, remorse, grief and anger; you can clean up your side of the street. There is nothing I can do about the other person unless you feel it is worth having couples counseling. In that I can do wonders for both people. First it is important you deal with your grief and loss, your codependency, your addictions so that you are as clear as can be. Sometimes it is impossible for you to do what I have suggested because you are so bogged down by defensive behavior and abuse in the relationship. This is where you can start to get help. Email me at tonkisue@comcast.net to make contact with me and leave your phone number and some good times to reach you. Start now! Get your self esteem back, your confidence, spirituality, physical health. Heal your anxiety and depression. All of these things are being affected by toxic relationships. Most people have no idea how the stress of unhealthy relationships can pull you down into the pits and into serious codependency. Please email or call now.
Many faces of Anger and how to be free of it’s power
May 11, 2010
Anger has many faces and if you want to be free and full of self confidence and self-esteem, you need to release all that anger in a postive way. I have written many blogs quite awhile ago about the complexities of anger and now I am offering a teleconference of 8 weeks to study anger and learn what is a healthy way to express it and what is toxic to you and others. It is limited to a small number of people so I can give each person personal attention and work with them in between classes. There is experiential work which is life changing for those who have experienced it. See the testimonials. I work with repressed anger (you don’t know you have it) and get it up and out in a healthy way. This class is totally confidential and very sacred. I have been doing this for 35 years and had great success for the people who have taken it. I also do individual work on anger which is excellent; however, I personally think the workshop over a 8 week period with other people who you can practice with and who will validate you work is superior. That is why I do it. The persons who take it can call me in between sessions and email me during the week. This is getting both group work which is exceptional and personal work at the same time. I incouraging anyone whose life is not working to consider it could be unexpressed anger and this workshop will change your life. It will take the abuse out of your life and put joy into it. It will change relationships. It will help you sleep at night and be full of life in the daytime! I’ve seen it happen over and over. Please give it a try and get the rewards.
Toxic relationships and codependency
May 4, 2010
Toxic relationships and codependency are hand in hand. Being abused can be like a lobster put in a pot and turning up the heat very slowly until it doesn’t even know it is being abused. If you are in a toxic relationship, get help immediately. Without it you can lose your health, going from doctor to doctor, and it is mostly stress caused by your own codependency and from being abused by another. You may even get into abusing back. That makes you feel ok in the moment but really hurts you in the long run. Or you may be too scared to say anything: peace at any price. You may go around on egg shells trying not to “set off” the other person. Of course, that is self defeating and bring low self esteem to you because the abuser is going to “go off” in cycles no matter what you do and blame you for it. Sometimes it is incredible how you can be blamed for something you have nothing to do with. Your problem is you get defensive and try to explain or pacify the abuser. Defensive behavior is a complete waste of time. If you really did something, own it and make amends and be done with it. If the other person holds a grudge, that’s their problem, not yours. However with codependency you may feel it is your fault and one of the first things to know is you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. This especially pertains to abusers with addictions (and there are so many subtle ones) mainly to drugs, gambling, alcohol, sports (over the edge where a personality change takes place), porno, going outside the marriage or relationship for “love” and “sex”. You do not need to put up with this anymore. Start today and get some really good help from someone who knows what they are talking about and perhaps have been through it themselves. Get your confidence back, get your voice back. Speak up! Move on with your OWN life regardless of the other person. You do not have to take it anymore!!! You can grieve the loss of what you had or thought you had and move on. You can get into anger work with someone who is a real specialist in the various types of anger and be freed.
