What is counseling and coaching?
September 27, 2011
Counseling helps individuals and families understand what is going on in their environment and in the individual. It helps them explore their feelings, thoughts, and motives. It has them look at their core beliefs to see if they are working for them in a positive way. It helps them understand and make decisions about boundaries and limits and what is healthy and what is dysfunctional. It looks at dysfunctional behavior and challenges that. A counselor can help people make sense out of what often seems like chaos. It is a confidential experience where trust is built so individuals can confide in the counselor and be honest with him/her about what is really going on in them. It helps people make decisions about their lives. They begin to see they are not victims but have choices, not only in their behavior but in their attitudes. Coaching is about making goals and reaching them. This can be contained in counseling but is not the entire purpose. Counseling can also look at spirituality and religion as a source for help.
Ways Anger can be misused #7
August 4, 2011
7) Anger resulting from giving too much to others and not refueling yourself. Of course, giving and caring people abound. They respond to the needs of others in every part of their lives. But a problem can occur for such people when they have little ability to give to themselves. Deep resentment grows within them and often results in unexpected outbursts that are really the message: “I’m giving so much to everyone else. Why isn’t anyone giving anything back to me?”
I have gone through six previous misuses of anger in these blogs. To gain more insight into a person’s uses of anger, a first step is to identify several recent occasions in which the person became angry for questionable reasons. Then look for a pattern. Are there particular circumstances involved? What occurred immediately before an angry outburst? Who else was involved? Were there any specific feelings present, other than anger? Does the anger seem to arise at any specific time of day? Any consistencies one can find will help narrow the search for an unresolved issue generating anger that is being unfairly directed at others. Once the pattern of anger is clarified, identifying the emotional use (of which I have given 7) can then follow.
All forms of misused anger are destructive to relationships and to the sense of self. Marriage counseling is usually needed for couples, and grief and loss counseling can be helpful if that is an issue. Bereavement counseling may also be helpful if the person has lost someone or something important to her. Live coaching can be helpful to anger management, and of course abuse counseling is crucial for the victims’ of such anger. Misused anger can certainly affect one’s spirituality and one’s relationship to a higher power. It affects the person’s ability to assert oneself in a healthy way in getting one’s needs met. It can bring on addiction, requiring help to sort out the chaos. It is codependent behavior.
Letter to Sabrina, my Tonkinese cat of l6 years.
July 13, 2011
Dear Sabrina,
You took your last breath on March 9, 2011. It was such a shock to us,so unexpected, and it has taken until now for me to be ready to write you a farewell letter and a hello letter all in one. I say that because your spirit is in my heart and in our home just as powerfully as it was when you were alive on earth. To say I miss you dreadfully is an understatement. Your daddy, Brad, your brother, Mose, and your two sisters (2 years younger than you were) Samantha and Freyja, and your Aunt Ann miss you very much and need extra loving to help make up for you not being here. Your Alpha presense was dynamic and the love we all exchanged was incredible. There are no words to express how you impacted this family. Sometimes the pain of your loss was overwhelming and would come on when least expected. I learned to cry no matter when or where and not be embarrassed. People were so understanding and loving to me about you when I would just say I was crying over the loss of my cat, Sabrina. Oh,how I loved that name. I felt physically ill at times in reaction to the emotion (or trying not to feel the emotion) of your loss. I prayed for both of us almost constantly. The people who did call or send cards said just the right thing. It was amazing! The poses you would get into were just so adorable and unique. There will never be a cat to replace you. You went through so many tough times in your life, challenges in which we stood behind you and supported you to the max. You were so brave and uncomplaining. You brought on every kind of feeling possible to all of us and like you we were quick to show them and speedy to let go of them. I cried many days for 3 months after you died and sobbed many an hour in grief at the loss of you. I did not talk about it to many people in that I didn’t think anyone could really say anything that would help the pain and I could not tolerate platituides in respect to you. You leapt to the top of the valence of our curtains and to the sky windows. You would race across the room and stop on a dime. When I had 3 cats piled on me in my chair at night somehow you would show up on top of the pile, your face turned upward to the sky. You would snugggle in next to me to comfort and be comforted. You were a free spirit and I don’t think you knew what the word addiction meant. You knew what you wanted and your were determined to get it. You understood what we said and what we spelled so that we had to be very crafty to get you into a cage to go to the vets. You were even a pro at body language. You would come when your name was called, bounding with energy to us. You brought us closer to our higher power. I was broken hearted one of us wasn’t with you when you died but it all happened so fast. Oh, what lessons I learned from you. I am able to think of you now and not be in emotional pain finally. I can remember your beautiful cat body, your charming face, your precious paws and soft shining fur. You were never abused and your never abused anyone. I can finally hang your photo on the wall and blow it a kiss as I walk by. Thank you for coming into our lives and for being so “present” with us all the time. You may be buried in our back yard but I believe you are in heaven being the Sabrina angel you are. You gave us unconditional love and we gave as close as we could to you. You were the epitomy of life and freedom and spirit. Thank you for your being. Love, Your Mother Susan Elizabeth.
Ways Anger can be misused #7
July 2, 2011
6) Anger used to create emotional distance. Although reasonably common, this misuse of anger is sometimes difficult to spot. Its origin lies in the vulnerability that the insecure person(s) feels when getting too close to others. To reduce the implicit threat, one picks a fight. This conflict creates more interpersonal distance and consequently creates less vulnerability. The telling pattern is the consistent occurrence of petty arguments shortly after moments of intimacy.
Anger is a normal part of bereavement, but its misuse causes anxiety, sleeplessness, loss of desire for food, compulsive eating, smoking, alcohol consumption, depression and many more negative reactions. Marriage counseling is usually needed to deal with this misuse. Hence, addictions can become a big factor in its misuse. One loses ambition and a sense of goals and purpose, There is a feeling of grief and loss, and assertiveness is called for when the victim of this abuse, this codependency, shows the typical signs as outlined above.
Anger #4 Motivational technique
June 4, 2011
4) Anger as a motivational technique. This use of anger is favored principally by those who believe that the only real motive is fear. Typically, fear is produced through outbursts of anger. (Often the listeners are accompanied by threats of dire consequences.) A by product of this style is that of establishing an adversarial relationship with subordinates. Resentment naturally accompanies compliance with the demands made. Respect generated by fear is not really true respect. Bullying is an example of this type of anger. Bullying is used to get one’s way at the expense of other people. Marriage counseling can be helpful with couples in which bullying is part of the relationship, or parent/child coaching can also be helpful. The victim of this kind of anger is riddled with anxiety, depression, stress, and low self esteem. Codependency is rampant. Using anger to get one to take action can cause physical illness and has serious consequences for the victim, which brings on anxiety that causes sleeplessness.
Ways anger can be misused #3
May 29, 2011
3) Psychological displacement of anger. Anger serves many psychological purposes. Linking anger only to personal conflict is easy but deceptive. In reality people use expressed anger inappropriately to meet a variety of questionable emotional needs. This bad habit is also known as the “kick-the-dog” problem. One can become angry in situations in which it would be difficult, inappropriate, or impossible to express anger directly, (i.e. to one’s boss). Because of possible negative consequences, anger may be suppressed until a safe target becomes available. Easy targets can be subordinates on the job, other drivers on the road, a spouse, children, a pet, or strangers who bring on frustrations in minor ways. These innocents receive the brunt of pent up anger because they are there and vulnerable. In these cases, anger management counseling can be helpful overcoming this tendency. This misuse of anger is a definite sign of codependency and can signal anxiety and depression. It is abusive to those around the person who uses this type of anger, and he will find himself without friends and associates if he continues this behavior. It is hard on a marriage and marriage counseling may be called for. It is one of the stages of grief/bereavement.
It is shocking how damaging the improper use of anger can be
May 5, 2011
I’ve studied anger inside and out so that I could help others (as well as myself) deal with the emotion in an effective and safe way. I can only handle it myself well and teach others to do the same. I cannot change the horrific anger that is wild in the whole world. Each of us needs to be responsible to take care of our own anger. If everyone did that there would be no wars and people could get along. I help through counseling, coaching, and an 8 week tele-workshop. The reason I made such a thorough study of it was because 40 years ago I was at the affect of violent anger from another and I was also in great pain because of all the years of repressed anger I had piled up. Through my own studies and with the help of a very knowledgeable counselor, I unearthed my own anger (repressed means you don’t know it’s there but you have physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual symptoms) and freed myself of pain and of allowing another to throw his anger on me. Therefore, I will be writing a series on anger of all kinds and some suggestions on how to deal with them as I mentioned in an earlier blog. I believe it is the most misunderstood and harmful emotion we have and for full health on all levels it is crucial it is identified and understood. This will make all the difference in your relationships and health, your codpendency will be lessened and the world will be a better place. It is almost impossible to do on your own. You really need someone well versed in anger to help you at whatever level you are.
Ways anger can be misused, #1
April 14, 2011
Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.
Pet Loss and animal people
March 29, 2011
During my grieving for my l6 yr old cat Sabrina who died suddenly March 9, I have discovered the most amazing support system and the most beautiful people. They are on Facebook. I have connected with people who have recently lost pets and some who lost them some time ago but still grieve them. Our back and forth communications have been amazing. The aching in our hearts is so real. The tears of sharing our pain is priceless. There are those who have random anger coming out of nowhere, difficulty functioning, emotional pain that is beyond words, overwhelm, and depression. They are just broken hearted. People, and this all includes me, have anxiety, obsessive thinking, defensiveness, shame they aren’t “through it all sooner”, guilt, and oh, so much love. I have never met a group of people who are so filled with compassion through their tears, so much caring of one another, and it boils down to loss of a pet that gave (and was given) unconditional love. There is no abuse here. There is no judgment. I am so grateful for the connections I have made and know I will make more as this process continues. If I can help anyone move through this with more ease and less pain I am available and willing to coach or counsel. I have a wonderful coach who has been a godsend to me. When I feel I just can’t take the “feelings” anymore and I just don’t want to “be”, I just want to disappear, I have this help to see me through. And I just ask God to help me and help them.
Remembering old grief and my Mother
February 23, 2011
I thought my Mother would live forever. I was always thinking something would happen to my Dad because I was especially close to him. I loved my Mother but we were very different; however, we worked out our “stuff” by the time I was married (at 22yr). Upon arriving home from a trip to Jamacia with my husband, his parents were at our home and talked to him about something. He took me in the living room and told me my Mother had died of a coronary embolism after being told a few days before she had a blood clot in her leg. The doctor simply told her to rest which was not very good advice. She was a very active person and it seemed like she never had been sick in her life. I saw her go through so much grief when she lost 2 children and that was painful for me, too. So I was the only one left and had no siblings to share this shock of my Mother dying. I took the two children I had and went to Ohio for the funeral. It was devastating to me. I wanted to stand up and shout at everyone what a wonderful person she was and how giving she was. I was too upset to give a eulogy. Just being there and being able to function was miraculous to me. I was angry she was taken away from me when my children were so young. That was in May (the same day as my brother’s birthday. . ..not a coincidence as she was heart broken when he died) and the summer after I kept functioning and taking care of my family yet at 3:00 every day I would start crying and cry and sob until dinnertime. I prayed my way through the entire experience. That continued on for about 3 months and I just accepted it as my way of grieving so I did not fight it. I am very grateful I let myself have all the feelings that went with the grief process (anger, depression, denial, saddness, and more) so I was freed from any lingering problems as a result of her death. Recently I have been going through many of her letters which fortunately my Father saved and gave to me before his death. There are times I will cry when reading them, they are so beautiful, and I am so grateful to have them. I am also grateful she was able to hold my second child, my older daughter, before she died. We also had a great talk about how I had a boy and a girl and that somehow “made up” in a spiritual way for the loss of her son and daughter. Now I cry out of joy and gratitude. It is so important to go through the entire grief process in your own particular way. If this touches anyone and I can be of any help, I will certainly respond. My words are “let yourself have all the feelings and love yourself through it”.
