When antidepressants are not good for the depressed person
June 4, 2010
It is a real challenge to deal with depression when you are “allergic” (have poor reactions) to antidepressants. When you are depressed your do not have your create forces working for you and have no motivaton to DO something about your situation. This is when it takes all the power you can muster to take some kind of action. Moving is the best antidote but once you have gone for a walk or a swim, then what?! Praying feels hollow and it is hard to see your prayers being answered. It is a physical experience as well as a mental and emotional and spiritual one. Reading can help you for awhile but you really need to talk to someone about it. Who to call, where to go? The body is a sensitive recepticle and something out of line can cause anxiety and restlessness. This is all part of depression. If you are lonely, how can you build up some resourses so you will have people to look forward to being with? These are a lot of unanswered questions which a coach or counselor can help you with. Get ahold of one soon. Don’t let depression pull you into immobility and discouragement. Perhaps you are being abused and don’t know it. Try an Alanon meeting or any kind of 12 step meeting to get you involved with people. There are support groups for depression. Join on now.
Anger management is more than a few sessions
May 26, 2010
I get a lot of calls from people who have been arrested and want 4 or 5 sessions to get the police off their back. They claim they do not have an anger problem usually or if they do it is insignificant. People do not get arrested because they are in charge of their anger and in control of their life. Anger is a complicated emotion, one of unmet needs and many contributing factors. There are so many causes of anger and people need to know the difference between the acceptable way to express it and the inappropriate way they are expressing it. I give 8 week classes in which I cover all there is to know about this very complicated emotion with lots of personal work with each person. I keep my classes down to 8 or less. I am not doing a class right now so I can offer the same thing basically with individual sessions. This is very personal and can take a 3 month commitment with me (once a week with homework on email) to be really be free of their anger by understanding where it comes from. It is different with each person which is why I personalize it. If someone is really serious about dealing with their anger (repressed or overt) then they will sign up with me and get it all cleared. They will have practice with me and in letters over the email (only to be sent to me). Their boundaries will improve, self-esteem and confidence come back, make positive choices, and have some peace in their life. Their relationships will improve greatly and love can abound where only anger was there. There will be no more defensive relationships, they can deal with their grief and loss issues, and learning to say no. I have written many blogs on anger (press “next” in the blog area of my website until you come to about 6 blogs going into anger throughly) and if someone wants to really know about this emotion that is the place to start along with calling me and setting up a session. I will not take on someone who just wants a few sessions to get the police off their back. I want people who sincerely want to be free of their anger running their life. Then they will not have to worry about police or spouses’ rage. They will find some spirituality to live by. Prayer may become a daily part of their life. Their will be no more abuse of oneself and of others or of being abused by others. The pain and health issues will clear up. All this can happen by getting to know their anger and doing something about it. See all the testimonials in my website on anger healing. Codependency causes anger and pain and can be healed. It brings on addictions which can be healed. There is so much help available today. Please call me and set up some sessions to be free of this debilitating emotion when used wrongly. Depression is a sure sign of anger help inward. If one can just lift up the phone or email me they can have freedom from toxic anger and anxiety.
Healthy vs Toxic Relationships
May 20, 2010
People get really confused with all the information out there about relationships. It’s as if all you have to do it pray or think positively and your relationships are going to be happy and healthy. There is a lot more to it than that. You need to know the difference between healthy and toxic ones. I go into this fully in my book which can be ordered on line in my website which you probably have if you are reading this. In counseling and coaching sessions I help you get very clear in your relationships so you remove guilt, remorse, grief and anger; you can clean up your side of the street. There is nothing I can do about the other person unless you feel it is worth having couples counseling. In that I can do wonders for both people. First it is important you deal with your grief and loss, your codependency, your addictions so that you are as clear as can be. Sometimes it is impossible for you to do what I have suggested because you are so bogged down by defensive behavior and abuse in the relationship. This is where you can start to get help. Email me at tonkisue@comcast.net to make contact with me and leave your phone number and some good times to reach you. Start now! Get your self esteem back, your confidence, spirituality, physical health. Heal your anxiety and depression. All of these things are being affected by toxic relationships. Most people have no idea how the stress of unhealthy relationships can pull you down into the pits and into serious codependency. Please email or call now.
Group experience for anger work
May 13, 2010
The group experience for anger work is far superior to working on it in individual sessions in counseling or coaching although they can certainly help. By hearing other people’s anger in a directed setting and safe, confidentail environment you won’t feel so alone and it will also encourage you to share your own truth about your anger. Many people have repressed anger (don’t know they have it) and this can come out much more easily when in a group and getting that support and those examples of the same problem. By the end of a 8 week workshop (once a week) if you have done the anger work as asked (and everyone usually does), you will find a new freedom, confidence, and self-esteem. Your spirituality will open up and you may find grief and forgiveness. If you are working with a qualified counselor you will be guided every step of the way with individual telephone calls and emails in between the sessions. You will find a power in yourself and a control over your emotions that you never dreamed possible. This is the report I have gotten from those who have done the 8 week sessions and done all the processing which is experiential. You will no longer need defensive behavior nor will you put up with it from another. You will no longer blame nor accept blame from someone else. The abuse in relationships will be gone. It is quite a process and it is worth the time and the money. Relationships that are healthy (not toxic) are rare and special. This is what you deserve. Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions there is. You can get clear on it and be in charge of your own destiny. You will have freedom from anxiety and depression and insomnia which are all products of misused anger or repressed anger. You will change for the better. I’ve seen it over and over, little and big miracles, from doing group work with anger.
Toxic relationships and codependency
May 4, 2010
Toxic relationships and codependency are hand in hand. Being abused can be like a lobster put in a pot and turning up the heat very slowly until it doesn’t even know it is being abused. If you are in a toxic relationship, get help immediately. Without it you can lose your health, going from doctor to doctor, and it is mostly stress caused by your own codependency and from being abused by another. You may even get into abusing back. That makes you feel ok in the moment but really hurts you in the long run. Or you may be too scared to say anything: peace at any price. You may go around on egg shells trying not to “set off” the other person. Of course, that is self defeating and bring low self esteem to you because the abuser is going to “go off” in cycles no matter what you do and blame you for it. Sometimes it is incredible how you can be blamed for something you have nothing to do with. Your problem is you get defensive and try to explain or pacify the abuser. Defensive behavior is a complete waste of time. If you really did something, own it and make amends and be done with it. If the other person holds a grudge, that’s their problem, not yours. However with codependency you may feel it is your fault and one of the first things to know is you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. This especially pertains to abusers with addictions (and there are so many subtle ones) mainly to drugs, gambling, alcohol, sports (over the edge where a personality change takes place), porno, going outside the marriage or relationship for “love” and “sex”. You do not need to put up with this anymore. Start today and get some really good help from someone who knows what they are talking about and perhaps have been through it themselves. Get your confidence back, get your voice back. Speak up! Move on with your OWN life regardless of the other person. You do not have to take it anymore!!! You can grieve the loss of what you had or thought you had and move on. You can get into anger work with someone who is a real specialist in the various types of anger and be freed.
Healthy Love is the way out of Codependency
April 28, 2010
Healthy love is the way out of Codpendency. The topic of love is so misused and misunderstood and I would like to clarify it. Toxic love is when it is all about “me” and not about you. Being able to do “tough love” when the person you are connected to is abusing you or themselves is not doing what feels good but is doing what is right and will help both of you. It is detaching with love: knowing the other person has a higher power and it isn’t you. In many religions, especially Christianity, love is a decision, a commitment to love others as God loves you. It is not as you love you because most of use don’t treat ourselves very well. All you need to do is be alone and watch your mind go and you can see all the negative messages we give ourselves. That is abusive to yourself. That is not love. So, when you make a decision to love others it is not based on a feeling which can be fleeting. Feelings come and go and are important to acknowledge and love is one of those feelings which can be very powerful. I have a friend who is having some difficulty in her life and I not only pray for her but I see her name in my mind and put the word Love on it. I do that every day and it is amazing. She is getting better. Now this may be some dynamic I don’t understand but I know it is working. Codependency has you twisted in a sick kind of love. Find someone who can help you out of that. It is worth it when your whole being can be filled with love most of the time. That is real spirituality. I have finally found a church that makes sense to me and is full of real love and honesty. When I am there I am so filled with love tears flow out of me in gratitude. I wish everyone could have what I am having there and in my life.
Codependency and Aging Parents
April 2, 2010
Codependency and aging parents is covered in a chapter of my book. Since I wrote the book I have had some years go by and have a few things to add as my own wisdom has increased by my experience and learnings. Here are some concepts from my book which I will paraphrase; then I will add what I know today to be important with seniors/elders. It is a natural part of the life cycle for parents to age and to become more dependent on their children. Healthy families adjust to these changes well. The adult children and grandchildren are able to feel respect and affection for them and help them without neglecting themselves. If you grew up in a family where emotions were repressed and tensions unresolved, you may struggle with how to “be” with your parents and how to care for them. The effects of codependency and addictions on all can be cumulative, resulting in physical, emotional, and financial problems. If the adult children have not dealt with their issues through coaching, counseling, or some other source, they may fall into destructive patterns when dealing with their parents which are harmful to them and to the elders. As a person who spent many years not only in therapy but spiritually dealing with my own parents, I was able to feel free and totally be my adult self when my parents and other senior relatives needed my support. I am grateful for that. Now as I am growing older, although I feel young at heart and of mind and am doing well physically, I need to stress how important it is to be sensitive to a parents’ emotional and spiritual being as to their physical needs. Respect and courtesy are high on the list of how to relate. For more information, go to the book “Dilemma of Love” on my website and find out for yourself all the pertinent information.
Alcohol abuse significant in the armed services.
February 28, 2010
According to USA Today recently a front page article speaking to the high incidence of alcohol abuse in the army has increased tremendously. I do not think there is more abuse; I think more people are coming forward and talking about it. The stigma is less and the army is making it easier for the soldiers to get help without people knowing about it. The same is true for drug addiction although that addiction is not nearly as widespread as alcohol. I think it is wonderful these people are coming out and getting the help they need for alcohol not only kills and destroys lives, it brings on marriage problems, depression, anxiety, insomnia as well as destroys self-esteem and confidence. It undermines spirituality and good values and interrupts relationships. The more it can be out in the open and treatment can be made available the better off our whole country and world will be.
