Why family enables addict/alcoholic #3
March 25, 2012
3) Family values. Many families take pride in being “fine” and perfect. They feel they can take care of “their own” and need no outside help. It would be embarrassing to have anyone know they have problems in their family. Family members can rationalize that no one is perfect and just learn to live around the addict as they would any sick person. This is destructive to other members of the family and will cause them to have physical and emotional problems. This type of family becomes good at ignoring the problem or praying it away without taking action to remedy the problem. Self image is important to the family members, and they feel it is blight on their image to have a problem they can’t handle. A counselor could intervene and help them see they can do something about their roles in the dysfunctional family. A counselor could help them see they should have no shame and guilt in a common problem that is so widespread throughout countries of the world, especially the United States. To effectively attack the problem, the family members have to be in enough pain and fear that they are willing to seek help and reach out to a counselor. Until then, the family members often feel they are stuck and can’t do anything about their situation, except live with it. Counselor could help them see they have choices
Enabling the Addict/Alcoholic #2
March 14, 2012
2) Maintain the self image of the person being abused by the addict. There is often a lot of shame connected to being abused and being with an addict. How would the abused “look” to others would if he/she admitted there was a problem? Would people blame her or look down on her for being in that position? She might feel guilty thinking she did something to cause the addict to be addicted. This is especially true for parents with children who are addicts. They might think they did or didn’t do something they should have done that caused the addiction. They might think if only they could be different, then the addict would stop the behavior. The fact is they didn’t cause it, they can’t control it, and they can’t cure it. There is a lot of information available, especially in Twelve Step Programs that can give them information about the disease and their part in it and how it is affecting them. A counselor can teach them knowledge about addiction of all kinds. They need to come out of isolation, so they can learn about the disease and learn it isn’t their fault. Enablers need to see they are codependent.
Self-esteem, self worth, and assertiveness
February 4, 2011
A positive self-image is critical to living in this world. Our self-image is dependent on self-esteem, self worth, and the resultant assertiveness. It is the key that opens the doors which can be chosen by asking your higher self which doors are the right ones to open. We always pass on our self-image to our children for they know who we really are. I did a lot of praying for the courage to challenge my old tendency to discount myself. I had a lot of counseling and coaching to help me do that. I prayed that all my strong points would be very clear to me, each day. I had to learn to love myself by letting others love me and support me. That means I had to open up and ask for help and be honest. Today I have nothing to hide and am grateful for my ability to be assertive in a straight and honest way without being pushy or aggresive. I am amazed at how strong I am when I am up against something challenging and sometimes have no direct support except my highter power who I chose to call God. I will write more on this subject because I feel it is so important. You will hear from me in a few days to continue this topic. I am generally not codependent which I have worked on for many years and it has saved my life.
Healing continues for shootings in Tucson
January 24, 2011
Our city of Tucson needs healing as does the whole country from the devastation of Jan. 8 on “Congress on the Corner” help by Gabrielle Giffords, congresswoman. She was an innocent and enthusiastic young woman who wanted to help people and hear her constituites ideas. She voted for the issues of district 8, not her party’s issues. She is a fair and caring person. How long will we remember this and honor what she was sacrificed for? I hope a long time. As she is in rehab in Houston, we are here with here memorial, acres long, in front of University Medical Center: it is tear jerking, deeply moving, beautiful, and honoring. It is filled with love. People are still milling around in it and crying as they read the letters and notes written to Gabby and the other people. It is a sad and beautiful thing to see. We need to remember so we can do something about what happened so that it does not happen again. People need to be kinder to one another ane more compassionate. There is no reason a gun with that capacity needs to be sold in this country. We are already working on better mental health for adults facilities and employing the law in Arizona that is little known; stating that when you see someone who is mentally unbalanced you can get them committed. Let’s publize the law and use it. It’s tough love at it’s best. Let’s not say we can’t do anything about it. Let’s DO something about it and any other issues you find wrong. Abuse, addiction, anger, rage, hatred, anxiety, depression, need to be replaced with love and hope and action. Sometimes tough action to save the innocent. Prayer, kindess, and action show real love. Parents need to be parents, not friends, to their children and have boundaries and discipline, and consequences for bad behavior. Relationships need to be repaired.
Visiting family near holidays
December 1, 2010
Visiting family near holidays can be quite an experience! Depending on how healed you are in your codependency is the quality of visit you will have. You cannot control other people so it is best to just visit knowing the family will be the way they are at this given time and you can choose to enjoy them or find fault with them. It really is that simple. Even if you are dealing with active addicts and alcoholics you still have a choice on how you respond (rather than “react”) to each person at any moment. Your main job will be to take care of yourself, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It also is your job to let others care for themselves unless you are asked to hellp out or there is an obvious situation that needs attending. I am going on a trip to visit my children and grandchildren and various others. So it my husband. What I need to remember is I cannot control my husband in how he deals with the family. Hopefully he will follow his alanon program and let them all “be” but I am not in charge of that. I am going with a positive attitude and loving heart. May the family have like feelings towards us as we visit. I am praying to be guided and cared for. There will probably be some physical pain to deal with all people involved. May I act appropriately.
Choose the way you want to think
November 10, 2010
You can choose the way you want to think, your attitude, your belief systems; in other words, you have control over how your life goes by your initial thinking and your reactions to what life offers. You will not need defensive behavior and reactionary anger. You can choose to see what happens and what people say in a realistic manner instead of a distorted one. Check out my articles to get more information. Prayer is a good way to start the day, with gratitude, even if you dont FEEL it. “Act as if” is a good reminder and soon you will be believing. This will help you with codependency, addictions, insomnia, abuse, and resentment/grief. It will help with depression and elder care, toxic relationships, and aiming towards healthy ones. Love is the bottom line but needs to be practiced and open your heart for physical health as well as emotional well-being. Never leave out possibility of counseling and coaching for lasting mental health.
What constitutes anger management?
October 28, 2010
In a 8 week workshop I do there is a lot of process work, teaching, and resolution. People really change. In individual work I do the same thing but differently. I encourage routine use of rational problem decision-making steps with forethought of consequences to strive and improve judgment and diminish impulsitivity. I teach adaptive management of anger, foster mood regulation, foster adaptive skills for dealing with frustration, assess whether there are ongoing symptoms of ADHD and whether psychiatric referral may be appropriate. I process childhood history of physical, emotional abuse and neglect, and determine if it would be helpful to re-process childhood memories. I strive to improve interpersonal skills and verbal assertiveness skills. I help to diminish any inappropriate effort at influencing others including yelling, threatening and discourage any use of destructiveness or physical violence except for self-defense. I proces relationship history and current relationship history, encourage adaptive management of stress, and process symptoms of Depression and Anxiety. I check out for addictions and codependency. I evaluate the person’s underlying character of honesty, lovingness, and basic values to see if I can help this person in the long run.
toxic relationships vs healthy relationships
October 5, 2010
Toxic relationships vs healthy relationships has been a lifelong issue. In a toxic relationship there may been alcoholism, drug addiction, intense anger and resentment, and abuse. To protect yourself from such a relationship you really need to distance yourself from the person and pray for them as well as yourself. To engage in such a relationship can cause insomnia, physical pain, illness, and a host of negativity. Healthy relationships are loving and smooth and flowing. Focus on those in your life and turn away from the toxic ones. Get therapy or coaching to help you through this patch of pain.
Self Esteem and Codependency
July 15, 2010
Self esteem and codependency are linked closely. Lack of self esteem is seen in persons high in codependency. They have trouble making decisions and sticking to a project. They look at all the things they don’t like about themselves and save very little time to thinking about all their assets. This is where a counselor or coach can come in and really help. One can help the codependent to really turn their life around and start seeing all the positives in themselves and their potential. With weekly commitment to goals they can quite quickly start feeling better about themselves. Depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, weight gain or anorexia can be absolished. Anger can be dispelled: distinguishing between old, useless anger and new appropriate anger and what to do with it in a constructive way. They fall prey to addictions and loss of spirituality. Without self esteem a person is not going to get what he/she wants and will continue in a pit of saddness. Get yourself some help if you fit into this blog information!
Defensive behavior result of toxic relationships, addictions, codependency.
June 9, 2010
Defensive behavior is the result of toxic relationships, addictions, and/or codependency. Having affairs is devastating to both the person who is having it and the one who is being betrayed. It may not seem obvious to the person who is in the affair, secretive and isolating, but the anger and sickness is there even if they are in denial about it. The person “left behind” is actually in a better position to get healthy again with help from a qualified person such as a coach or counselor. That is because that person is facing reality and seeing what is going on. If the person is in denial he/she can be enabling which just makes the problem worse. The personal with the affair is in denial and is caught in addictions. This leads to loss of self-esteem and confidence, to anxiety and depression, and tremendous anger whether it is shown or not. The person left behind may feel stuck and financially afraid to separate or just too codependent to do so. The loss of spirituality is so obvious and needs attention to resolve the situation. Healthy relationships are possible with the right kind of couples counseling and just individual work. It is worth it to have your sleeping back again, to be out of guilt and emotional pain and perhaps physical pain. I got a call from France from a woman who was a gifted child and through abuse from her Mother for all of her life and then betrayal of her spouse, she found herself in such back pain she ended up having an operation which has debilitated her. Now she wants her life back. She can have it back with intense coaching and counseling but she will have to work very hard on her anger and grief and loss she has been through. Do not wait until you are in that position to get help. Get it BEFORE it goes into physical dysfunction and such loss.
