Remembering old grief and my Mother
February 23, 2011
I thought my Mother would live forever. I was always thinking something would happen to my Dad because I was especially close to him. I loved my Mother but we were very different; however, we worked out our “stuff” by the time I was married (at 22yr). Upon arriving home from a trip to Jamacia with my husband, his parents were at our home and talked to him about something. He took me in the living room and told me my Mother had died of a coronary embolism after being told a few days before she had a blood clot in her leg. The doctor simply told her to rest which was not very good advice. She was a very active person and it seemed like she never had been sick in her life. I saw her go through so much grief when she lost 2 children and that was painful for me, too. So I was the only one left and had no siblings to share this shock of my Mother dying. I took the two children I had and went to Ohio for the funeral. It was devastating to me. I wanted to stand up and shout at everyone what a wonderful person she was and how giving she was. I was too upset to give a eulogy. Just being there and being able to function was miraculous to me. I was angry she was taken away from me when my children were so young. That was in May (the same day as my brother’s birthday. . ..not a coincidence as she was heart broken when he died) and the summer after I kept functioning and taking care of my family yet at 3:00 every day I would start crying and cry and sob until dinnertime. I prayed my way through the entire experience. That continued on for about 3 months and I just accepted it as my way of grieving so I did not fight it. I am very grateful I let myself have all the feelings that went with the grief process (anger, depression, denial, saddness, and more) so I was freed from any lingering problems as a result of her death. Recently I have been going through many of her letters which fortunately my Father saved and gave to me before his death. There are times I will cry when reading them, they are so beautiful, and I am so grateful to have them. I am also grateful she was able to hold my second child, my older daughter, before she died. We also had a great talk about how I had a boy and a girl and that somehow “made up” in a spiritual way for the loss of her son and daughter. Now I cry out of joy and gratitude. It is so important to go through the entire grief process in your own particular way. If this touches anyone and I can be of any help, I will certainly respond. My words are “let yourself have all the feelings and love yourself through it”.
Self-esteem, self worth, and assertiveness
February 4, 2011
A positive self-image is critical to living in this world. Our self-image is dependent on self-esteem, self worth, and the resultant assertiveness. It is the key that opens the doors which can be chosen by asking your higher self which doors are the right ones to open. We always pass on our self-image to our children for they know who we really are. I did a lot of praying for the courage to challenge my old tendency to discount myself. I had a lot of counseling and coaching to help me do that. I prayed that all my strong points would be very clear to me, each day. I had to learn to love myself by letting others love me and support me. That means I had to open up and ask for help and be honest. Today I have nothing to hide and am grateful for my ability to be assertive in a straight and honest way without being pushy or aggresive. I am amazed at how strong I am when I am up against something challenging and sometimes have no direct support except my highter power who I chose to call God. I will write more on this subject because I feel it is so important. You will hear from me in a few days to continue this topic. I am generally not codependent which I have worked on for many years and it has saved my life.
Healing continues for shootings in Tucson
January 24, 2011
Our city of Tucson needs healing as does the whole country from the devastation of Jan. 8 on “Congress on the Corner” help by Gabrielle Giffords, congresswoman. She was an innocent and enthusiastic young woman who wanted to help people and hear her constituites ideas. She voted for the issues of district 8, not her party’s issues. She is a fair and caring person. How long will we remember this and honor what she was sacrificed for? I hope a long time. As she is in rehab in Houston, we are here with here memorial, acres long, in front of University Medical Center: it is tear jerking, deeply moving, beautiful, and honoring. It is filled with love. People are still milling around in it and crying as they read the letters and notes written to Gabby and the other people. It is a sad and beautiful thing to see. We need to remember so we can do something about what happened so that it does not happen again. People need to be kinder to one another ane more compassionate. There is no reason a gun with that capacity needs to be sold in this country. We are already working on better mental health for adults facilities and employing the law in Arizona that is little known; stating that when you see someone who is mentally unbalanced you can get them committed. Let’s publize the law and use it. It’s tough love at it’s best. Let’s not say we can’t do anything about it. Let’s DO something about it and any other issues you find wrong. Abuse, addiction, anger, rage, hatred, anxiety, depression, need to be replaced with love and hope and action. Sometimes tough action to save the innocent. Prayer, kindess, and action show real love. Parents need to be parents, not friends, to their children and have boundaries and discipline, and consequences for bad behavior. Relationships need to be repaired.
Staying in healthy family system
December 31, 2010
Staying in healthy family system and lean away from dysfunctional behavior and negative choices. To be healthy the family, each person, needs to communicate with one another and not through others in the family. There should be no accusations through others but discuss any issues with the person involved.
This keeps from having defensive behavior or anger and anxiety. It is really easy to share openly what is going on in your life and have support for that. There is so much to be greatful for in the family and to focus on that, not on the little unimportant things that don’t reeally matter. My grandson, who is l2 yr. old, said it best when he said the most important things at holidays are family, not the material things. That is somehting to take into 2011 with us!!
Visiting family near holidays
December 1, 2010
Visiting family near holidays can be quite an experience! Depending on how healed you are in your codependency is the quality of visit you will have. You cannot control other people so it is best to just visit knowing the family will be the way they are at this given time and you can choose to enjoy them or find fault with them. It really is that simple. Even if you are dealing with active addicts and alcoholics you still have a choice on how you respond (rather than “react”) to each person at any moment. Your main job will be to take care of yourself, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It also is your job to let others care for themselves unless you are asked to hellp out or there is an obvious situation that needs attending. I am going on a trip to visit my children and grandchildren and various others. So it my husband. What I need to remember is I cannot control my husband in how he deals with the family. Hopefully he will follow his alanon program and let them all “be” but I am not in charge of that. I am going with a positive attitude and loving heart. May the family have like feelings towards us as we visit. I am praying to be guided and cared for. There will probably be some physical pain to deal with all people involved. May I act appropriately.
Thanksgiving and gratitude
November 25, 2010
I want to share how many things I have to be grateful for this year. And I want to remind you that no matter what is going on in your life, you can find something to be grateful for. Start with you woke up and can feel the new day. If you are lucky enough to see it, then that is a plus. If you have love it your life, even if it is an animal or other living thing, then you are lucky. If we want to we can always find things to be grateful for, every day. I love Thanksgiving because gratitude is the focus of the day. If we are not grateful, then self-pity and complaining are the topics of the day and we will not have a chance at being happy. I am grateful to be born in the most prosperous and remarkable nation in the history of man, and during a most prosperous era. The same man has loved me for 35 years and is more loving than even now as we did our marriage vows with a wonderful pastor from a church we find “home”. God makes sense to us and we live our spirituality, not just talk it. We can pray and make a difference as well as take action to make things as good as we can in this country and in daily life as we go about our business. I have a meaningful job where I can really help people change their lives and become their full potential. I can feel my feelings and not try to escape them in any way so life if rich and meaningful. I come from a loving family with good values, morals, integrity and kindness. I have beautiful children and grandchildren who are healthy and good people. God has been good to me all my life no matter what troubles I have been through and there have been many. I live in awe and wonder at the love and beauty that surrounds me. There is no abuse in my life and my feelings are balanced and good. I have healed my codependency and addictions and will be forever greatful one day at a time. I have a multitude of wonderful friends and neighbors. Thank you, all of you that are reading this.
Choose the way you want to think
November 10, 2010
You can choose the way you want to think, your attitude, your belief systems; in other words, you have control over how your life goes by your initial thinking and your reactions to what life offers. You will not need defensive behavior and reactionary anger. You can choose to see what happens and what people say in a realistic manner instead of a distorted one. Check out my articles to get more information. Prayer is a good way to start the day, with gratitude, even if you dont FEEL it. “Act as if” is a good reminder and soon you will be believing. This will help you with codependency, addictions, insomnia, abuse, and resentment/grief. It will help with depression and elder care, toxic relationships, and aiming towards healthy ones. Love is the bottom line but needs to be practiced and open your heart for physical health as well as emotional well-being. Never leave out possibility of counseling and coaching for lasting mental health.
toxic relationships vs healthy relationships
October 5, 2010
Toxic relationships vs healthy relationships has been a lifelong issue. In a toxic relationship there may been alcoholism, drug addiction, intense anger and resentment, and abuse. To protect yourself from such a relationship you really need to distance yourself from the person and pray for them as well as yourself. To engage in such a relationship can cause insomnia, physical pain, illness, and a host of negativity. Healthy relationships are loving and smooth and flowing. Focus on those in your life and turn away from the toxic ones. Get therapy or coaching to help you through this patch of pain.
Home is so important for some people
September 25, 2010
Home in so important to me and I have taken good care of the home I fell in love with in Tucson. I have made it exactly the way I want it and after looking at 50 homes to downsize, I have found a way to stay in my home. I wanted to do the “right” thing and agonized about it in the middle of the night for weeks (insomnia)(restless sleep). I had terrible anxierty in the night. It is so wonderful to have made this decision and to be able to sleep again and be at peace. I prayed for the right thing to do and the right person to do the financing with. I have always known God will answer my prayer but sometimes it takes a lot of patience before he does. i was angry at the thought of moving and sad about it, too. I started cleaning out my closet which was filled with letters, cards, photo albums, and everything else you can think of from my parents home and from my kids childhood. Going through so much of that has been really healing and connecting me to my roots again. I had to go through some grieving about my parents being gone. Oh, how I wish they were here! I promised myself that even if I didn’t move, I would sort out and clean out all the closets and drawers and garage. So I am in that process. it is very healing.
Life and death of my aunt and grief and loss
August 28, 2010
My Aunt Pauline was there from the time I can remember. Every summer I would go out to my grandparents in Ohio on the farm and then go to visit her. She lived just a mile away. My 5 cousins were like brothers and sisters to me and we had a great time playing and visiting relatives around the area. I could talk to Aunt Pauline about anything and as I grew older we got into some really deep subjects. It was wonderful to call her after I moved to Tucson and wasn’t visiting Ohio so much. She and I would talk about everything. She had many challenges in life but she met them with dignity and dealt with her anger in a healthy way. When her children were little her home burned down but she came through like a champ and they built a new onw which she’s been in ever since. My grandparents took the whole family in until they got their new home. She was sharp as can be mentally, president of the quilters association, went to Senior luncheons and lived in her own home all her life with her little poodle who adored her. Her daughter came out every day and they would do things together and her oldest son came out every day and then would watch the games with her on Saturdays. Her home had flowers everywhere including inside! She was 99 years old and doing well except her kidneys started failing. Finally her kids took her to the hospital which she hated but had a phone and I could call her and talk. Three days ago I called in the morning, just had a “feeling” I needed to talk to her and see if the new medicine she was trying was working. She sounded bright as can be and was so glad to hear from me. She told me excitedly “they are coming to take me home today” (meaning her son and daughter). So I cried a few tears of joy and was really happy for her since I know how important “home” is. I love my home and do not want to leave it. Then I got a call from another cousin who said she didn’t “make it”. I called Lois who took care of her, her daughter, and she told me the story which I think is quite beautiful. She got home and sat on the sofa with her dog on her lap and Lois having her arm around her. Jerry, her son, was there with her, too. Suddenly she said she didn’t feel well and next thing she was gone. Home to her heavenly home. I wish so much I could be with the whole family at this time but I am in a very intense program for my health for 3 months and cannot leave. So I have been talking to all the “kids” on the phone and I ordered a dozen roses and other flowers to make a beautiful bouquet to put by her head at the visiting hours and funeral. I am thanking God for the special opportunity I got to talk to her that morning and I will always hear her voice in my head of what she said that day. I am grieving here but I am not alone because I have friends to share it with and the phone to talk to my family. It is important that I tell this God inspired story about a wonderful woman who did so much for others and had so much love in her heart. The loss is great but what a great way to die and not have to suffer all kinds of treatments. I am grateful for the many blessings I have like this. I just have to follow my first intuition and act on it if it comes from the heart. Now I cry tears of gratitude for knowing this woman and for her long life with her mind in tact (and her body working pretty well until the end!!).
