Self-esteem and Codependency
November 4, 2011
Self esteem and codependency are linked closely. Lack of self esteem is seen in persons high in codependency. They have trouble making decisions and sticking to a project. They look at all the things they don’t like about themselves and save very little time to thinking about all their assets . This is where a counselor or coach can come in and really help. One can help the codependent to really turn their life around and start seeing all the positives in themselves and their potential. With weekly commitment to goals they can quite quickly start feeling better about themselves. Depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, weight gain or anorexia can be absolished. Anger can be dispelled: distinguishing between old, useless anger and new appropriate anger and what to do with it in a constructive way. They fall prey to addictions and loss of spirituality. Without self esteem a person is not going to get what he/she wants and will continue in a pit of saddness. Get yourself some help if you fit into this blog information!
Ways Anger can be misused #7
August 4, 2011
7) Anger resulting from giving too much to others and not refueling yourself. Of course, giving and caring people abound. They respond to the needs of others in every part of their lives. But a problem can occur for such people when they have little ability to give to themselves. Deep resentment grows within them and often results in unexpected outbursts that are really the message: “I’m giving so much to everyone else. Why isn’t anyone giving anything back to me?”
I have gone through six previous misuses of anger in these blogs. To gain more insight into a person’s uses of anger, a first step is to identify several recent occasions in which the person became angry for questionable reasons. Then look for a pattern. Are there particular circumstances involved? What occurred immediately before an angry outburst? Who else was involved? Were there any specific feelings present, other than anger? Does the anger seem to arise at any specific time of day? Any consistencies one can find will help narrow the search for an unresolved issue generating anger that is being unfairly directed at others. Once the pattern of anger is clarified, identifying the emotional use (of which I have given 7) can then follow.
All forms of misused anger are destructive to relationships and to the sense of self. Marriage counseling is usually needed for couples, and grief and loss counseling can be helpful if that is an issue. Bereavement counseling may also be helpful if the person has lost someone or something important to her. Live coaching can be helpful to anger management, and of course abuse counseling is crucial for the victims’ of such anger. Misused anger can certainly affect one’s spirituality and one’s relationship to a higher power. It affects the person’s ability to assert oneself in a healthy way in getting one’s needs met. It can bring on addiction, requiring help to sort out the chaos. It is codependent behavior.
Letter to Sabrina, my Tonkinese cat of l6 years.
July 13, 2011
Dear Sabrina,
You took your last breath on March 9, 2011. It was such a shock to us,so unexpected, and it has taken until now for me to be ready to write you a farewell letter and a hello letter all in one. I say that because your spirit is in my heart and in our home just as powerfully as it was when you were alive on earth. To say I miss you dreadfully is an understatement. Your daddy, Brad, your brother, Mose, and your two sisters (2 years younger than you were) Samantha and Freyja, and your Aunt Ann miss you very much and need extra loving to help make up for you not being here. Your Alpha presense was dynamic and the love we all exchanged was incredible. There are no words to express how you impacted this family. Sometimes the pain of your loss was overwhelming and would come on when least expected. I learned to cry no matter when or where and not be embarrassed. People were so understanding and loving to me about you when I would just say I was crying over the loss of my cat, Sabrina. Oh,how I loved that name. I felt physically ill at times in reaction to the emotion (or trying not to feel the emotion) of your loss. I prayed for both of us almost constantly. The people who did call or send cards said just the right thing. It was amazing! The poses you would get into were just so adorable and unique. There will never be a cat to replace you. You went through so many tough times in your life, challenges in which we stood behind you and supported you to the max. You were so brave and uncomplaining. You brought on every kind of feeling possible to all of us and like you we were quick to show them and speedy to let go of them. I cried many days for 3 months after you died and sobbed many an hour in grief at the loss of you. I did not talk about it to many people in that I didn’t think anyone could really say anything that would help the pain and I could not tolerate platituides in respect to you. You leapt to the top of the valence of our curtains and to the sky windows. You would race across the room and stop on a dime. When I had 3 cats piled on me in my chair at night somehow you would show up on top of the pile, your face turned upward to the sky. You would snugggle in next to me to comfort and be comforted. You were a free spirit and I don’t think you knew what the word addiction meant. You knew what you wanted and your were determined to get it. You understood what we said and what we spelled so that we had to be very crafty to get you into a cage to go to the vets. You were even a pro at body language. You would come when your name was called, bounding with energy to us. You brought us closer to our higher power. I was broken hearted one of us wasn’t with you when you died but it all happened so fast. Oh, what lessons I learned from you. I am able to think of you now and not be in emotional pain finally. I can remember your beautiful cat body, your charming face, your precious paws and soft shining fur. You were never abused and your never abused anyone. I can finally hang your photo on the wall and blow it a kiss as I walk by. Thank you for coming into our lives and for being so “present” with us all the time. You may be buried in our back yard but I believe you are in heaven being the Sabrina angel you are. You gave us unconditional love and we gave as close as we could to you. You were the epitomy of life and freedom and spirit. Thank you for your being. Love, Your Mother Susan Elizabeth.
A few words about grief and loss
June 11, 2011
Soon I will write about my own 2 l/2 mon experience of grief and loss recently. Before though I would like to tell you some things about grief that may help you if you are in the process. There are 7 stages of grief: shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, hope. They don’t come in order so you can jump back and forth in them or have a couple at the same time. It’s more than grief. It’s a broken heart. Trust it enough to experience the emotion fully, to cry all day, all month as much as you need to. Remember you have begun a very rich spiritual and emotional jouney that will lead to something–even though it’s an ending. It can be a rebirth. Do not be around any “friends” who criticize you or give you advice. Be with people who believe in you and know you will get through it and are there for you. It’s not a waste of time to indulge in emotion. It’s absolutely essential to getting the next insight you need on your spiritual path. Trust you will get through this and get as much support as you can. If you don’t grieve fully, it will come back to bite you in symptoms so let yourself really go! Good luck and love.
Pet Loss and animal people
March 29, 2011
During my grieving for my l6 yr old cat Sabrina who died suddenly March 9, I have discovered the most amazing support system and the most beautiful people. They are on Facebook. I have connected with people who have recently lost pets and some who lost them some time ago but still grieve them. Our back and forth communications have been amazing. The aching in our hearts is so real. The tears of sharing our pain is priceless. There are those who have random anger coming out of nowhere, difficulty functioning, emotional pain that is beyond words, overwhelm, and depression. They are just broken hearted. People, and this all includes me, have anxiety, obsessive thinking, defensiveness, shame they aren’t “through it all sooner”, guilt, and oh, so much love. I have never met a group of people who are so filled with compassion through their tears, so much caring of one another, and it boils down to loss of a pet that gave (and was given) unconditional love. There is no abuse here. There is no judgment. I am so grateful for the connections I have made and know I will make more as this process continues. If I can help anyone move through this with more ease and less pain I am available and willing to coach or counsel. I have a wonderful coach who has been a godsend to me. When I feel I just can’t take the “feelings” anymore and I just don’t want to “be”, I just want to disappear, I have this help to see me through. And I just ask God to help me and help them.
Grief for Sabrina continues/no short cuts here
March 19, 2011
I had a reprieve yesterday and felt “normal” and thought maybe the grief process was over and I could tell you this. However, I remember hearing “it comes in waves” now and that must be what is happening because today I woke up at 4am and couldn’t sleep and felt horrible. All I wanted was my cat back. Now I know that is irrational thinking but that is what is going on with this process. I thought I had made peace with it all at the Memorial some friends and I had Sunday which was beautiful. Everyone shared their experience with Sabrina and we said prayers all out in the yard where there was a hole for her to be buried in when she got back from being cremated. Two days later we got the ashes and Brad (my husband) and I buried her and said some prayers and some final good-byes and covered her up. She was finally “home” and I felt some peace with that. The vet called and said it was so fast because she must have had something happen in her brain and nothing I did or didn’t do could have changed that. I have never had an animal go fast like that and I still am in shock. My body was reacting like crazy and besides the heartburn, dizziness, stomach problems, I had every classic symptom of a heart attack and my nurse friend and husband wanted me to go to the hospital to be safe. I did not feel that was needed but I went and stayed l2 hr. and they found a lot of elevated tests but then said I was ok. I was so grateful to be home and had even more empathy for Sabrina going through all those tests. I talked to very few people about all this because I did not want “advice” but it is not good to hold it in and I am now talking about it more since the physical symptoms have gone for now and I am just immolbilized and depressed except for writing this to you. The anxiety and heart break that I feel is torture. Today I visited her grave and put a stone cat on it as a marker and talked to her. I know she is in the energy, not the hole, but I understand now why graves are so important and offer such comfort. I am leaning a lot in this experience and praying for guidance for the next step. I was embarrassed that I am taking so long to go through this grief but have even more respect for the process than ever. I am so grateful to have had l6 years with such a vital, vivacious cat who was unconditional love personified.
Grief and emotional pain with loss of anyone we love so fully
March 12, 2011
March 9 Sabrina, my beloved cat of l6 years. ..still playing and jumping up on the valance of the curtain. ..until the day before. She died and now I am seeing that she decided to die so she wouldn’t have to go through any more tests and pokes. She also did not want me to see her sick. She wants me to remember her in all her glory. That is where I am today and feeling gratitude for having her in my life so long.
I was not here, nor will the emotional pain be gone soon, when she died. I was in shock. I cried a lot at first and then I got very angry and wanted her back and nothing was making sense (even though I did 2 sessions the next day was fine in them) and I wish I had never had her teeth cleaned because she had to take medicine after and if I’d known that I never would have done it. Sabrina did not take medicine well. She fought it. She was her own cat and the alpha cat in a home of 4 cats. I went through 2 days of physical symptoms and was ready to call a doctor and then I remembered they were all part of the process. I was in such emotional pain and anguish I didn’t want to be in my body. There were so many feelings and my left brain just wouldn’t work, like doing anything on Facebook or anything that was analytical. I was praying constantly just to get through the pain. I couldn’t get her out of my mind and kept remembering all her special qualities that I’d never see again. I didn’t want to talk to people much because I didn’t want to hear the platitudes, like “she’s in a better place” which wasn’t true. She loved her home and us and was very happy. God does know what we need because I had a chi gong body session yesterday (and I never have had one two weeks in a row) and received such love and healing that I got some relief. Crying is good and I am not good at crying for myself (I am for others) so I pray to cry and let go of the hurt inside me, especially in my gut. This is where I am at now. The reason I have such a love for cats is that mly Father gave me a cat when I was 6 yr. old and lost my brother who I adored. That bond is unbreakable. I have always had loving cats who all get along with each other all my life. Thank you for listening.
Remembering old grief and my Mother
February 23, 2011
I thought my Mother would live forever. I was always thinking something would happen to my Dad because I was especially close to him. I loved my Mother but we were very different; however, we worked out our “stuff” by the time I was married (at 22yr). Upon arriving home from a trip to Jamacia with my husband, his parents were at our home and talked to him about something. He took me in the living room and told me my Mother had died of a coronary embolism after being told a few days before she had a blood clot in her leg. The doctor simply told her to rest which was not very good advice. She was a very active person and it seemed like she never had been sick in her life. I saw her go through so much grief when she lost 2 children and that was painful for me, too. So I was the only one left and had no siblings to share this shock of my Mother dying. I took the two children I had and went to Ohio for the funeral. It was devastating to me. I wanted to stand up and shout at everyone what a wonderful person she was and how giving she was. I was too upset to give a eulogy. Just being there and being able to function was miraculous to me. I was angry she was taken away from me when my children were so young. That was in May (the same day as my brother’s birthday. . ..not a coincidence as she was heart broken when he died) and the summer after I kept functioning and taking care of my family yet at 3:00 every day I would start crying and cry and sob until dinnertime. I prayed my way through the entire experience. That continued on for about 3 months and I just accepted it as my way of grieving so I did not fight it. I am very grateful I let myself have all the feelings that went with the grief process (anger, depression, denial, saddness, and more) so I was freed from any lingering problems as a result of her death. Recently I have been going through many of her letters which fortunately my Father saved and gave to me before his death. There are times I will cry when reading them, they are so beautiful, and I am so grateful to have them. I am also grateful she was able to hold my second child, my older daughter, before she died. We also had a great talk about how I had a boy and a girl and that somehow “made up” in a spiritual way for the loss of her son and daughter. Now I cry out of joy and gratitude. It is so important to go through the entire grief process in your own particular way. If this touches anyone and I can be of any help, I will certainly respond. My words are “let yourself have all the feelings and love yourself through it”.
Self-esteem, self worth, and assertiveness
February 4, 2011
A positive self-image is critical to living in this world. Our self-image is dependent on self-esteem, self worth, and the resultant assertiveness. It is the key that opens the doors which can be chosen by asking your higher self which doors are the right ones to open. We always pass on our self-image to our children for they know who we really are. I did a lot of praying for the courage to challenge my old tendency to discount myself. I had a lot of counseling and coaching to help me do that. I prayed that all my strong points would be very clear to me, each day. I had to learn to love myself by letting others love me and support me. That means I had to open up and ask for help and be honest. Today I have nothing to hide and am grateful for my ability to be assertive in a straight and honest way without being pushy or aggresive. I am amazed at how strong I am when I am up against something challenging and sometimes have no direct support except my highter power who I chose to call God. I will write more on this subject because I feel it is so important. You will hear from me in a few days to continue this topic. I am generally not codependent which I have worked on for many years and it has saved my life.
Healing continues for shootings in Tucson
January 24, 2011
Our city of Tucson needs healing as does the whole country from the devastation of Jan. 8 on “Congress on the Corner” help by Gabrielle Giffords, congresswoman. She was an innocent and enthusiastic young woman who wanted to help people and hear her constituites ideas. She voted for the issues of district 8, not her party’s issues. She is a fair and caring person. How long will we remember this and honor what she was sacrificed for? I hope a long time. As she is in rehab in Houston, we are here with here memorial, acres long, in front of University Medical Center: it is tear jerking, deeply moving, beautiful, and honoring. It is filled with love. People are still milling around in it and crying as they read the letters and notes written to Gabby and the other people. It is a sad and beautiful thing to see. We need to remember so we can do something about what happened so that it does not happen again. People need to be kinder to one another ane more compassionate. There is no reason a gun with that capacity needs to be sold in this country. We are already working on better mental health for adults facilities and employing the law in Arizona that is little known; stating that when you see someone who is mentally unbalanced you can get them committed. Let’s publize the law and use it. It’s tough love at it’s best. Let’s not say we can’t do anything about it. Let’s DO something about it and any other issues you find wrong. Abuse, addiction, anger, rage, hatred, anxiety, depression, need to be replaced with love and hope and action. Sometimes tough action to save the innocent. Prayer, kindess, and action show real love. Parents need to be parents, not friends, to their children and have boundaries and discipline, and consequences for bad behavior. Relationships need to be repaired.
