A few words about grief and loss
June 11, 2011
Soon I will write about my own 2 l/2 mon experience of grief and loss recently. Before though I would like to tell you some things about grief that may help you if you are in the process. There are 7 stages of grief: shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, hope. They don’t come in order so you can jump back and forth in them or have a couple at the same time. It’s more than grief. It’s a broken heart. Trust it enough to experience the emotion fully, to cry all day, all month as much as you need to. Remember you have begun a very rich spiritual and emotional jouney that will lead to something–even though it’s an ending. It can be a rebirth. Do not be around any “friends” who criticize you or give you advice. Be with people who believe in you and know you will get through it and are there for you. It’s not a waste of time to indulge in emotion. It’s absolutely essential to getting the next insight you need on your spiritual path. Trust you will get through this and get as much support as you can. If you don’t grieve fully, it will come back to bite you in symptoms so let yourself really go! Good luck and love.
Anger #4 Motivational technique
June 4, 2011
4) Anger as a motivational technique. This use of anger is favored principally by those who believe that the only real motive is fear. Typically, fear is produced through outbursts of anger. (Often the listeners are accompanied by threats of dire consequences.) A by product of this style is that of establishing an adversarial relationship with subordinates. Resentment naturally accompanies compliance with the demands made. Respect generated by fear is not really true respect. Bullying is an example of this type of anger. Bullying is used to get one’s way at the expense of other people. Marriage counseling can be helpful with couples in which bullying is part of the relationship, or parent/child coaching can also be helpful. The victim of this kind of anger is riddled with anxiety, depression, stress, and low self esteem. Codependency is rampant. Using anger to get one to take action can cause physical illness and has serious consequences for the victim, which brings on anxiety that causes sleeplessness.
Ways anger can be misused #3
May 29, 2011
3) Psychological displacement of anger. Anger serves many psychological purposes. Linking anger only to personal conflict is easy but deceptive. In reality people use expressed anger inappropriately to meet a variety of questionable emotional needs. This bad habit is also known as the “kick-the-dog” problem. One can become angry in situations in which it would be difficult, inappropriate, or impossible to express anger directly, (i.e. to one’s boss). Because of possible negative consequences, anger may be suppressed until a safe target becomes available. Easy targets can be subordinates on the job, other drivers on the road, a spouse, children, a pet, or strangers who bring on frustrations in minor ways. These innocents receive the brunt of pent up anger because they are there and vulnerable. In these cases, anger management counseling can be helpful overcoming this tendency. This misuse of anger is a definite sign of codependency and can signal anxiety and depression. It is abusive to those around the person who uses this type of anger, and he will find himself without friends and associates if he continues this behavior. It is hard on a marriage and marriage counseling may be called for. It is one of the stages of grief/bereavement.
It is shocking how damaging the improper use of anger can be
May 5, 2011
I’ve studied anger inside and out so that I could help others (as well as myself) deal with the emotion in an effective and safe way. I can only handle it myself well and teach others to do the same. I cannot change the horrific anger that is wild in the whole world. Each of us needs to be responsible to take care of our own anger. If everyone did that there would be no wars and people could get along. I help through counseling, coaching, and an 8 week tele-workshop. The reason I made such a thorough study of it was because 40 years ago I was at the affect of violent anger from another and I was also in great pain because of all the years of repressed anger I had piled up. Through my own studies and with the help of a very knowledgeable counselor, I unearthed my own anger (repressed means you don’t know it’s there but you have physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual symptoms) and freed myself of pain and of allowing another to throw his anger on me. Therefore, I will be writing a series on anger of all kinds and some suggestions on how to deal with them as I mentioned in an earlier blog. I believe it is the most misunderstood and harmful emotion we have and for full health on all levels it is crucial it is identified and understood. This will make all the difference in your relationships and health, your codpendency will be lessened and the world will be a better place. It is almost impossible to do on your own. You really need someone well versed in anger to help you at whatever level you are.
Ways anger can be misused, #1
April 14, 2011
Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.
Pet Loss and animal people
March 29, 2011
During my grieving for my l6 yr old cat Sabrina who died suddenly March 9, I have discovered the most amazing support system and the most beautiful people. They are on Facebook. I have connected with people who have recently lost pets and some who lost them some time ago but still grieve them. Our back and forth communications have been amazing. The aching in our hearts is so real. The tears of sharing our pain is priceless. There are those who have random anger coming out of nowhere, difficulty functioning, emotional pain that is beyond words, overwhelm, and depression. They are just broken hearted. People, and this all includes me, have anxiety, obsessive thinking, defensiveness, shame they aren’t “through it all sooner”, guilt, and oh, so much love. I have never met a group of people who are so filled with compassion through their tears, so much caring of one another, and it boils down to loss of a pet that gave (and was given) unconditional love. There is no abuse here. There is no judgment. I am so grateful for the connections I have made and know I will make more as this process continues. If I can help anyone move through this with more ease and less pain I am available and willing to coach or counsel. I have a wonderful coach who has been a godsend to me. When I feel I just can’t take the “feelings” anymore and I just don’t want to “be”, I just want to disappear, I have this help to see me through. And I just ask God to help me and help them.
Grief for Sabrina continues/no short cuts here
March 19, 2011
I had a reprieve yesterday and felt “normal” and thought maybe the grief process was over and I could tell you this. However, I remember hearing “it comes in waves” now and that must be what is happening because today I woke up at 4am and couldn’t sleep and felt horrible. All I wanted was my cat back. Now I know that is irrational thinking but that is what is going on with this process. I thought I had made peace with it all at the Memorial some friends and I had Sunday which was beautiful. Everyone shared their experience with Sabrina and we said prayers all out in the yard where there was a hole for her to be buried in when she got back from being cremated. Two days later we got the ashes and Brad (my husband) and I buried her and said some prayers and some final good-byes and covered her up. She was finally “home” and I felt some peace with that. The vet called and said it was so fast because she must have had something happen in her brain and nothing I did or didn’t do could have changed that. I have never had an animal go fast like that and I still am in shock. My body was reacting like crazy and besides the heartburn, dizziness, stomach problems, I had every classic symptom of a heart attack and my nurse friend and husband wanted me to go to the hospital to be safe. I did not feel that was needed but I went and stayed l2 hr. and they found a lot of elevated tests but then said I was ok. I was so grateful to be home and had even more empathy for Sabrina going through all those tests. I talked to very few people about all this because I did not want “advice” but it is not good to hold it in and I am now talking about it more since the physical symptoms have gone for now and I am just immolbilized and depressed except for writing this to you. The anxiety and heart break that I feel is torture. Today I visited her grave and put a stone cat on it as a marker and talked to her. I know she is in the energy, not the hole, but I understand now why graves are so important and offer such comfort. I am leaning a lot in this experience and praying for guidance for the next step. I was embarrassed that I am taking so long to go through this grief but have even more respect for the process than ever. I am so grateful to have had l6 years with such a vital, vivacious cat who was unconditional love personified.
Grief and emotional pain with loss of anyone we love so fully
March 12, 2011
March 9 Sabrina, my beloved cat of l6 years. ..still playing and jumping up on the valance of the curtain. ..until the day before. She died and now I am seeing that she decided to die so she wouldn’t have to go through any more tests and pokes. She also did not want me to see her sick. She wants me to remember her in all her glory. That is where I am today and feeling gratitude for having her in my life so long.
I was not here, nor will the emotional pain be gone soon, when she died. I was in shock. I cried a lot at first and then I got very angry and wanted her back and nothing was making sense (even though I did 2 sessions the next day was fine in them) and I wish I had never had her teeth cleaned because she had to take medicine after and if I’d known that I never would have done it. Sabrina did not take medicine well. She fought it. She was her own cat and the alpha cat in a home of 4 cats. I went through 2 days of physical symptoms and was ready to call a doctor and then I remembered they were all part of the process. I was in such emotional pain and anguish I didn’t want to be in my body. There were so many feelings and my left brain just wouldn’t work, like doing anything on Facebook or anything that was analytical. I was praying constantly just to get through the pain. I couldn’t get her out of my mind and kept remembering all her special qualities that I’d never see again. I didn’t want to talk to people much because I didn’t want to hear the platitudes, like “she’s in a better place” which wasn’t true. She loved her home and us and was very happy. God does know what we need because I had a chi gong body session yesterday (and I never have had one two weeks in a row) and received such love and healing that I got some relief. Crying is good and I am not good at crying for myself (I am for others) so I pray to cry and let go of the hurt inside me, especially in my gut. This is where I am at now. The reason I have such a love for cats is that mly Father gave me a cat when I was 6 yr. old and lost my brother who I adored. That bond is unbreakable. I have always had loving cats who all get along with each other all my life. Thank you for listening.
Feelings, grief and the cat
March 9, 2011
Yesterday I found Sabrina (one of my two older cats) lying on the floor half under a chest. When a cat is sick he/she will try to hide so as not to hurt the human (me). I called the vet and got her in right away and she stayed all day. I was very positive yesterday, praying all day, and continuing to function. When we picked her up at 5pm they had taken $800 worth of tests but are not sure what is the matter with her. She was very dehydrated when I took her in. We don’t know what is causing the dehydration. She came home with a tube in her arm and some medicine she wouldn’t take and took her back today. I love this cat so much, as I do all my 4 cats. I am not ready to let her go. I feel angry this morning which is part of the grief process that I may be starting to go into. I don’t have the money to keep testing her after today and I pray they find the answers today. This is very personal but it is the best I can do on a blog since I am in tears and have so many feelings running around inside of me I am just taking it one step at a time. Doing the next right thing, praying for that guidance. I have so much to do and it is hard to focus. Grief is full of feelings and I am feeling a lot of them now. I will write tomorrow on my losing my cat 8 years ago. I’m not ready to lose this cat and I have to have it be God’s will. I am feeling the heart break of when I lost my other cat and feel so badly that Sabrina is so lifeless.
Remembering old grief and my Mother
February 23, 2011
I thought my Mother would live forever. I was always thinking something would happen to my Dad because I was especially close to him. I loved my Mother but we were very different; however, we worked out our “stuff” by the time I was married (at 22yr). Upon arriving home from a trip to Jamacia with my husband, his parents were at our home and talked to him about something. He took me in the living room and told me my Mother had died of a coronary embolism after being told a few days before she had a blood clot in her leg. The doctor simply told her to rest which was not very good advice. She was a very active person and it seemed like she never had been sick in her life. I saw her go through so much grief when she lost 2 children and that was painful for me, too. So I was the only one left and had no siblings to share this shock of my Mother dying. I took the two children I had and went to Ohio for the funeral. It was devastating to me. I wanted to stand up and shout at everyone what a wonderful person she was and how giving she was. I was too upset to give a eulogy. Just being there and being able to function was miraculous to me. I was angry she was taken away from me when my children were so young. That was in May (the same day as my brother’s birthday. . ..not a coincidence as she was heart broken when he died) and the summer after I kept functioning and taking care of my family yet at 3:00 every day I would start crying and cry and sob until dinnertime. I prayed my way through the entire experience. That continued on for about 3 months and I just accepted it as my way of grieving so I did not fight it. I am very grateful I let myself have all the feelings that went with the grief process (anger, depression, denial, saddness, and more) so I was freed from any lingering problems as a result of her death. Recently I have been going through many of her letters which fortunately my Father saved and gave to me before his death. There are times I will cry when reading them, they are so beautiful, and I am so grateful to have them. I am also grateful she was able to hold my second child, my older daughter, before she died. We also had a great talk about how I had a boy and a girl and that somehow “made up” in a spiritual way for the loss of her son and daughter. Now I cry out of joy and gratitude. It is so important to go through the entire grief process in your own particular way. If this touches anyone and I can be of any help, I will certainly respond. My words are “let yourself have all the feelings and love yourself through it”.
