Free from Victim Thinking
January 8, 2012
In childhood children are dependent on the adults in life to take care of them. They are influenced by the way those adults think and behave. Therefore, many children are victimized and that is real and needs to be given attention. Many situations are denied as abusive and those children grow up to have victim thinking (and behavior) not realizing they were abused. Usually something happens to intervene and they are pressed to face their past. My suggestion is to face and process out (theuraputic term) their abusive experiences and begin to understand how they allowed themselves as adults to think in victim ways and allow themselves to be abused or be abusive themselves. They need to get rid of the painful memories in childhood through therapy and begin to see positive ways of thinking through coaching. We all grow up our own way by the choices we make and those lead to other choices. To finally come to the place where you can choose to think in a positive way and see that you are no longer a victim (unless you allow it)but a person who chooses how to live and in what way and with whom (people who will be positive for them). This is freedom from codependency one day at a time. This is freedom from addiction in the moment. This is to really be an adult believing in a higher power to guide them every step of the way.
What is counseling and coaching?
September 27, 2011
Counseling helps individuals and families understand what is going on in their environment and in the individual. It helps them explore their feelings, thoughts, and motives. It has them look at their core beliefs to see if they are working for them in a positive way. It helps them understand and make decisions about boundaries and limits and what is healthy and what is dysfunctional. It looks at dysfunctional behavior and challenges that. A counselor can help people make sense out of what often seems like chaos. It is a confidential experience where trust is built so individuals can confide in the counselor and be honest with him/her about what is really going on in them. It helps people make decisions about their lives. They begin to see they are not victims but have choices, not only in their behavior but in their attitudes. Coaching is about making goals and reaching them. This can be contained in counseling but is not the entire purpose. Counseling can also look at spirituality and religion as a source for help.
Ways Anger can be misused #7
August 4, 2011
7) Anger resulting from giving too much to others and not refueling yourself. Of course, giving and caring people abound. They respond to the needs of others in every part of their lives. But a problem can occur for such people when they have little ability to give to themselves. Deep resentment grows within them and often results in unexpected outbursts that are really the message: “I’m giving so much to everyone else. Why isn’t anyone giving anything back to me?”
I have gone through six previous misuses of anger in these blogs. To gain more insight into a person’s uses of anger, a first step is to identify several recent occasions in which the person became angry for questionable reasons. Then look for a pattern. Are there particular circumstances involved? What occurred immediately before an angry outburst? Who else was involved? Were there any specific feelings present, other than anger? Does the anger seem to arise at any specific time of day? Any consistencies one can find will help narrow the search for an unresolved issue generating anger that is being unfairly directed at others. Once the pattern of anger is clarified, identifying the emotional use (of which I have given 7) can then follow.
All forms of misused anger are destructive to relationships and to the sense of self. Marriage counseling is usually needed for couples, and grief and loss counseling can be helpful if that is an issue. Bereavement counseling may also be helpful if the person has lost someone or something important to her. Live coaching can be helpful to anger management, and of course abuse counseling is crucial for the victims’ of such anger. Misused anger can certainly affect one’s spirituality and one’s relationship to a higher power. It affects the person’s ability to assert oneself in a healthy way in getting one’s needs met. It can bring on addiction, requiring help to sort out the chaos. It is codependent behavior.
Letter to Sabrina, my Tonkinese cat of l6 years.
July 13, 2011
Dear Sabrina,
You took your last breath on March 9, 2011. It was such a shock to us,so unexpected, and it has taken until now for me to be ready to write you a farewell letter and a hello letter all in one. I say that because your spirit is in my heart and in our home just as powerfully as it was when you were alive on earth. To say I miss you dreadfully is an understatement. Your daddy, Brad, your brother, Mose, and your two sisters (2 years younger than you were) Samantha and Freyja, and your Aunt Ann miss you very much and need extra loving to help make up for you not being here. Your Alpha presense was dynamic and the love we all exchanged was incredible. There are no words to express how you impacted this family. Sometimes the pain of your loss was overwhelming and would come on when least expected. I learned to cry no matter when or where and not be embarrassed. People were so understanding and loving to me about you when I would just say I was crying over the loss of my cat, Sabrina. Oh,how I loved that name. I felt physically ill at times in reaction to the emotion (or trying not to feel the emotion) of your loss. I prayed for both of us almost constantly. The people who did call or send cards said just the right thing. It was amazing! The poses you would get into were just so adorable and unique. There will never be a cat to replace you. You went through so many tough times in your life, challenges in which we stood behind you and supported you to the max. You were so brave and uncomplaining. You brought on every kind of feeling possible to all of us and like you we were quick to show them and speedy to let go of them. I cried many days for 3 months after you died and sobbed many an hour in grief at the loss of you. I did not talk about it to many people in that I didn’t think anyone could really say anything that would help the pain and I could not tolerate platituides in respect to you. You leapt to the top of the valence of our curtains and to the sky windows. You would race across the room and stop on a dime. When I had 3 cats piled on me in my chair at night somehow you would show up on top of the pile, your face turned upward to the sky. You would snugggle in next to me to comfort and be comforted. You were a free spirit and I don’t think you knew what the word addiction meant. You knew what you wanted and your were determined to get it. You understood what we said and what we spelled so that we had to be very crafty to get you into a cage to go to the vets. You were even a pro at body language. You would come when your name was called, bounding with energy to us. You brought us closer to our higher power. I was broken hearted one of us wasn’t with you when you died but it all happened so fast. Oh, what lessons I learned from you. I am able to think of you now and not be in emotional pain finally. I can remember your beautiful cat body, your charming face, your precious paws and soft shining fur. You were never abused and your never abused anyone. I can finally hang your photo on the wall and blow it a kiss as I walk by. Thank you for coming into our lives and for being so “present” with us all the time. You may be buried in our back yard but I believe you are in heaven being the Sabrina angel you are. You gave us unconditional love and we gave as close as we could to you. You were the epitomy of life and freedom and spirit. Thank you for your being. Love, Your Mother Susan Elizabeth.
Ways Anger can be misused #7
July 2, 2011
6) Anger used to create emotional distance. Although reasonably common, this misuse of anger is sometimes difficult to spot. Its origin lies in the vulnerability that the insecure person(s) feels when getting too close to others. To reduce the implicit threat, one picks a fight. This conflict creates more interpersonal distance and consequently creates less vulnerability. The telling pattern is the consistent occurrence of petty arguments shortly after moments of intimacy.
Anger is a normal part of bereavement, but its misuse causes anxiety, sleeplessness, loss of desire for food, compulsive eating, smoking, alcohol consumption, depression and many more negative reactions. Marriage counseling is usually needed to deal with this misuse. Hence, addictions can become a big factor in its misuse. One loses ambition and a sense of goals and purpose, There is a feeling of grief and loss, and assertiveness is called for when the victim of this abuse, this codependency, shows the typical signs as outlined above.
Misuse of Anger #5
June 18, 2011
5) Frequent angry outbursts. Observers or the recipients of this type of anger are often the first to see and understand the pattern. This misuse of anger is unfortunately very easy, but the fact is that everyone loses when this kind of response contaminates a relationship. This is codependency at its highest! It can destroy relationships, marriages, friendships, parent/child relationships, and every other kind of relationship. We feel less in control and often feel guilty following displays of irrational anger. Those on the receiving end learn to become defensive, avoid or even counterattack when they are constantly used as scapegoats (victims). This usually results in strained relationships that lack fulfillment.
Anger expressed to reduce internal tension is a sign of codependency and dis-ease. In the workplace, tension and frustration arising out of the pressures of a hectic day are often suppressed. However, once one is out of the workplace, that same tension may be quickly transformed into anger and expressed at opportunistic targets. After several outbursts, calm returns as tension is reduced. But the cost to relationships is high. This misuse of anger causes anxiety, depression, low self esteem, grief and guilt (often unrecognized).
Grief and loss counseling, abuse counseling, assertiveness training, life coaching to set goals for more constructive living, bereavement counseling, and personal counseling may be called for. Misused anger can cause physical illness and psychological stress.
A few words about grief and loss
June 11, 2011
Soon I will write about my own 2 l/2 mon experience of grief and loss recently. Before though I would like to tell you some things about grief that may help you if you are in the process. There are 7 stages of grief: shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, hope. They don’t come in order so you can jump back and forth in them or have a couple at the same time. It’s more than grief. It’s a broken heart. Trust it enough to experience the emotion fully, to cry all day, all month as much as you need to. Remember you have begun a very rich spiritual and emotional jouney that will lead to something–even though it’s an ending. It can be a rebirth. Do not be around any “friends” who criticize you or give you advice. Be with people who believe in you and know you will get through it and are there for you. It’s not a waste of time to indulge in emotion. It’s absolutely essential to getting the next insight you need on your spiritual path. Trust you will get through this and get as much support as you can. If you don’t grieve fully, it will come back to bite you in symptoms so let yourself really go! Good luck and love.
Anger #4 Motivational technique
June 4, 2011
4) Anger as a motivational technique. This use of anger is favored principally by those who believe that the only real motive is fear. Typically, fear is produced through outbursts of anger. (Often the listeners are accompanied by threats of dire consequences.) A by product of this style is that of establishing an adversarial relationship with subordinates. Resentment naturally accompanies compliance with the demands made. Respect generated by fear is not really true respect. Bullying is an example of this type of anger. Bullying is used to get one’s way at the expense of other people. Marriage counseling can be helpful with couples in which bullying is part of the relationship, or parent/child coaching can also be helpful. The victim of this kind of anger is riddled with anxiety, depression, stress, and low self esteem. Codependency is rampant. Using anger to get one to take action can cause physical illness and has serious consequences for the victim, which brings on anxiety that causes sleeplessness.
Ways anger can be misused #3
May 29, 2011
3) Psychological displacement of anger. Anger serves many psychological purposes. Linking anger only to personal conflict is easy but deceptive. In reality people use expressed anger inappropriately to meet a variety of questionable emotional needs. This bad habit is also known as the “kick-the-dog” problem. One can become angry in situations in which it would be difficult, inappropriate, or impossible to express anger directly, (i.e. to one’s boss). Because of possible negative consequences, anger may be suppressed until a safe target becomes available. Easy targets can be subordinates on the job, other drivers on the road, a spouse, children, a pet, or strangers who bring on frustrations in minor ways. These innocents receive the brunt of pent up anger because they are there and vulnerable. In these cases, anger management counseling can be helpful overcoming this tendency. This misuse of anger is a definite sign of codependency and can signal anxiety and depression. It is abusive to those around the person who uses this type of anger, and he will find himself without friends and associates if he continues this behavior. It is hard on a marriage and marriage counseling may be called for. It is one of the stages of grief/bereavement.
It is shocking how damaging the improper use of anger can be
May 5, 2011
I’ve studied anger inside and out so that I could help others (as well as myself) deal with the emotion in an effective and safe way. I can only handle it myself well and teach others to do the same. I cannot change the horrific anger that is wild in the whole world. Each of us needs to be responsible to take care of our own anger. If everyone did that there would be no wars and people could get along. I help through counseling, coaching, and an 8 week tele-workshop. The reason I made such a thorough study of it was because 40 years ago I was at the affect of violent anger from another and I was also in great pain because of all the years of repressed anger I had piled up. Through my own studies and with the help of a very knowledgeable counselor, I unearthed my own anger (repressed means you don’t know it’s there but you have physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual symptoms) and freed myself of pain and of allowing another to throw his anger on me. Therefore, I will be writing a series on anger of all kinds and some suggestions on how to deal with them as I mentioned in an earlier blog. I believe it is the most misunderstood and harmful emotion we have and for full health on all levels it is crucial it is identified and understood. This will make all the difference in your relationships and health, your codpendency will be lessened and the world will be a better place. It is almost impossible to do on your own. You really need someone well versed in anger to help you at whatever level you are.
