What is counseling and coaching?
September 27, 2011
Counseling helps individuals and families understand what is going on in their environment and in the individual. It helps them explore their feelings, thoughts, and motives. It has them look at their core beliefs to see if they are working for them in a positive way. It helps them understand and make decisions about boundaries and limits and what is healthy and what is dysfunctional. It looks at dysfunctional behavior and challenges that. A counselor can help people make sense out of what often seems like chaos. It is a confidential experience where trust is built so individuals can confide in the counselor and be honest with him/her about what is really going on in them. It helps people make decisions about their lives. They begin to see they are not victims but have choices, not only in their behavior but in their attitudes. Coaching is about making goals and reaching them. This can be contained in counseling but is not the entire purpose. Counseling can also look at spirituality and religion as a source for help.
Ways anger can be misused #3
May 29, 2011
3) Psychological displacement of anger. Anger serves many psychological purposes. Linking anger only to personal conflict is easy but deceptive. In reality people use expressed anger inappropriately to meet a variety of questionable emotional needs. This bad habit is also known as the “kick-the-dog” problem. One can become angry in situations in which it would be difficult, inappropriate, or impossible to express anger directly, (i.e. to one’s boss). Because of possible negative consequences, anger may be suppressed until a safe target becomes available. Easy targets can be subordinates on the job, other drivers on the road, a spouse, children, a pet, or strangers who bring on frustrations in minor ways. These innocents receive the brunt of pent up anger because they are there and vulnerable. In these cases, anger management counseling can be helpful overcoming this tendency. This misuse of anger is a definite sign of codependency and can signal anxiety and depression. It is abusive to those around the person who uses this type of anger, and he will find himself without friends and associates if he continues this behavior. It is hard on a marriage and marriage counseling may be called for. It is one of the stages of grief/bereavement.
Ways anger can be misused, #1
April 14, 2011
Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.
Being abused and self worth
February 11, 2011
Being abused is not just about physical behavior but also psychological, subtle, confusing behavior. It’s purpose is to destroy the person who is being abused self-worth and it usuallly works. It is a serious problem in all societies and has been addressed more in this country in the last 10 years. The person being abused does not have the information she/he needs and therefore goes along with the “program” of the abuser’s. That is continual put downs, insults, anger attacks, blaming to just name a few. All the while the abuser is saying he/she loves the spouse, partner, child, or something to that effect. This makes it very difficult for the person being abused to see the reality of his/her situation and puts them in denial. They really believe what the abuser says unless they have the self worth to see through it and stand up for themselves. They can be having a great day and the abuser says or does something which knocks the wind out of the other.
They can stand up for themselves if they still have enough self esteem but it really won’t change anything and can just cause a fight and they will end up “wrong” as usual. Also, standing up for themseves all the time is very tiring and throws a person off what they were doing. It is a dangerous way to live unless tje ab are getting help from a knowledgeable counselor or coach who really knows the sublties of this serious problem. It can cause addictions, suidcide, illness, tendency to fall and just feeling hurt and unloved most of the time. Depression, insomnia, and anxiety are three hallmarks of this situation and need to be treated as soon as possible. The elderly and people with physical issues are the most vulnerable. Other who know about this may be able to help a friend by noticing this behavior and being a friend. Usually the victim is isolated from friends as a result of the abuser. Learn what a healthy relationship is and what true love is all about. I speak of this in my book Dilemma of Love which is a timeless book and was written out of love and to help people.
Self-esteem, self worth, and assertiveness
February 4, 2011
A positive self-image is critical to living in this world. Our self-image is dependent on self-esteem, self worth, and the resultant assertiveness. It is the key that opens the doors which can be chosen by asking your higher self which doors are the right ones to open. We always pass on our self-image to our children for they know who we really are. I did a lot of praying for the courage to challenge my old tendency to discount myself. I had a lot of counseling and coaching to help me do that. I prayed that all my strong points would be very clear to me, each day. I had to learn to love myself by letting others love me and support me. That means I had to open up and ask for help and be honest. Today I have nothing to hide and am grateful for my ability to be assertive in a straight and honest way without being pushy or aggresive. I am amazed at how strong I am when I am up against something challenging and sometimes have no direct support except my highter power who I chose to call God. I will write more on this subject because I feel it is so important. You will hear from me in a few days to continue this topic. I am generally not codependent which I have worked on for many years and it has saved my life.
Healing continues for shootings in Tucson
January 24, 2011
Our city of Tucson needs healing as does the whole country from the devastation of Jan. 8 on “Congress on the Corner” help by Gabrielle Giffords, congresswoman. She was an innocent and enthusiastic young woman who wanted to help people and hear her constituites ideas. She voted for the issues of district 8, not her party’s issues. She is a fair and caring person. How long will we remember this and honor what she was sacrificed for? I hope a long time. As she is in rehab in Houston, we are here with here memorial, acres long, in front of University Medical Center: it is tear jerking, deeply moving, beautiful, and honoring. It is filled with love. People are still milling around in it and crying as they read the letters and notes written to Gabby and the other people. It is a sad and beautiful thing to see. We need to remember so we can do something about what happened so that it does not happen again. People need to be kinder to one another ane more compassionate. There is no reason a gun with that capacity needs to be sold in this country. We are already working on better mental health for adults facilities and employing the law in Arizona that is little known; stating that when you see someone who is mentally unbalanced you can get them committed. Let’s publize the law and use it. It’s tough love at it’s best. Let’s not say we can’t do anything about it. Let’s DO something about it and any other issues you find wrong. Abuse, addiction, anger, rage, hatred, anxiety, depression, need to be replaced with love and hope and action. Sometimes tough action to save the innocent. Prayer, kindess, and action show real love. Parents need to be parents, not friends, to their children and have boundaries and discipline, and consequences for bad behavior. Relationships need to be repaired.
Tragedy the country should remember. ..shootings in Tucson
January 20, 2011
So quickly people forget and they should not forget the shootings in Tucson of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and many other people including the death of a fantastic little girl. Congress on the Corner was a unique happening and one of my clients almost went. It was a shock to us here and the saddest thing that has happened since 9/ll. The little girl who was shot was born on 9/ll. The political climate in the country has been one of intense anger, rage, abuse and the lowest of human behavior. This was not necessarily a political act by this deranged man but the general hateful climate set the stage. Perhaps this has shocked some people into feeling. And with feeling a knowing that name calling and making fun of people is abusive. Perhaps some healing will come out of this and the nation will be more cooperative and unified. It brought the whole city to prayer and caring. Love is what is the basis of life, not hatred. People can disagree with respect.
Staying in healthy family system
December 31, 2010
Staying in healthy family system and lean away from dysfunctional behavior and negative choices. To be healthy the family, each person, needs to communicate with one another and not through others in the family. There should be no accusations through others but discuss any issues with the person involved.
This keeps from having defensive behavior or anger and anxiety. It is really easy to share openly what is going on in your life and have support for that. There is so much to be greatful for in the family and to focus on that, not on the little unimportant things that don’t reeally matter. My grandson, who is l2 yr. old, said it best when he said the most important things at holidays are family, not the material things. That is somehting to take into 2011 with us!!
Visiting family near holidays
December 1, 2010
Visiting family near holidays can be quite an experience! Depending on how healed you are in your codependency is the quality of visit you will have. You cannot control other people so it is best to just visit knowing the family will be the way they are at this given time and you can choose to enjoy them or find fault with them. It really is that simple. Even if you are dealing with active addicts and alcoholics you still have a choice on how you respond (rather than “react”) to each person at any moment. Your main job will be to take care of yourself, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It also is your job to let others care for themselves unless you are asked to hellp out or there is an obvious situation that needs attending. I am going on a trip to visit my children and grandchildren and various others. So it my husband. What I need to remember is I cannot control my husband in how he deals with the family. Hopefully he will follow his alanon program and let them all “be” but I am not in charge of that. I am going with a positive attitude and loving heart. May the family have like feelings towards us as we visit. I am praying to be guided and cared for. There will probably be some physical pain to deal with all people involved. May I act appropriately.
Thanksgiving and gratitude
November 25, 2010
I want to share how many things I have to be grateful for this year. And I want to remind you that no matter what is going on in your life, you can find something to be grateful for. Start with you woke up and can feel the new day. If you are lucky enough to see it, then that is a plus. If you have love it your life, even if it is an animal or other living thing, then you are lucky. If we want to we can always find things to be grateful for, every day. I love Thanksgiving because gratitude is the focus of the day. If we are not grateful, then self-pity and complaining are the topics of the day and we will not have a chance at being happy. I am grateful to be born in the most prosperous and remarkable nation in the history of man, and during a most prosperous era. The same man has loved me for 35 years and is more loving than even now as we did our marriage vows with a wonderful pastor from a church we find “home”. God makes sense to us and we live our spirituality, not just talk it. We can pray and make a difference as well as take action to make things as good as we can in this country and in daily life as we go about our business. I have a meaningful job where I can really help people change their lives and become their full potential. I can feel my feelings and not try to escape them in any way so life if rich and meaningful. I come from a loving family with good values, morals, integrity and kindness. I have beautiful children and grandchildren who are healthy and good people. God has been good to me all my life no matter what troubles I have been through and there have been many. I live in awe and wonder at the love and beauty that surrounds me. There is no abuse in my life and my feelings are balanced and good. I have healed my codependency and addictions and will be forever greatful one day at a time. I have a multitude of wonderful friends and neighbors. Thank you, all of you that are reading this.
