Free from Victim Thinking
January 8, 2012
In childhood children are dependent on the adults in life to take care of them. They are influenced by the way those adults think and behave. Therefore, many children are victimized and that is real and needs to be given attention. Many situations are denied as abusive and those children grow up to have victim thinking (and behavior) not realizing they were abused. Usually something happens to intervene and they are pressed to face their past. My suggestion is to face and process out (theuraputic term) their abusive experiences and begin to understand how they allowed themselves as adults to think in victim ways and allow themselves to be abused or be abusive themselves. They need to get rid of the painful memories in childhood through therapy and begin to see positive ways of thinking through coaching. We all grow up our own way by the choices we make and those lead to other choices. To finally come to the place where you can choose to think in a positive way and see that you are no longer a victim (unless you allow it)but a person who chooses how to live and in what way and with whom (people who will be positive for them). This is freedom from codependency one day at a time. This is freedom from addiction in the moment. This is to really be an adult believing in a higher power to guide them every step of the way.
Accountability in coaching
December 9, 2011
In coaching the client sets up goals in which he wants to be accountable. The coach is there to protect that accountability not to be responsible for it. That is up to the client. The coach wants very much for the client to reach his goals each week, but the coach is not attached to whether the client does so or not. The coach is there to encourage, to help the client learn from mistakes, and to help the client understand why he may have failed. There is no criticizing or judging of the client, and there is a great acclaim for when the client is able to accomplish each step of the way.
An example would be to lose weight and to stay on a certain food plan. To share that goal is to make it real and more attainable. A person may want to quit smoking and can share the difficulty that goes with that and the progress being made as he goes along in attaining that goal. The coach holds the client accountable to empower the change he wants to make. This provides the means for change and creates the greatest opportunity to acknowledge how he succeeds.
Ultimately, the client is accountable for his own life and his own agenda. The coach holds that sacred. Homework is often given to assist the client in understanding the process he is going through in achieving his goals. To be accountable means simply to give an account. What worked? What didn’t work? What happened? What would you do differently next time?
A client having a coach to share with gives the motivation to stick with a project when the initial enthusiasm has worn off. It is to keep client moving along until desired results are obtained. The process is the same regardless of the goal and is what brings success almost every time. Every success brings increased self esteem, confidence, and happiness.
Self-esteem and Codependency
November 4, 2011
Self esteem and codependency are linked closely. Lack of self esteem is seen in persons high in codependency. They have trouble making decisions and sticking to a project. They look at all the things they don’t like about themselves and save very little time to thinking about all their assets . This is where a counselor or coach can come in and really help. One can help the codependent to really turn their life around and start seeing all the positives in themselves and their potential. With weekly commitment to goals they can quite quickly start feeling better about themselves. Depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, weight gain or anorexia can be absolished. Anger can be dispelled: distinguishing between old, useless anger and new appropriate anger and what to do with it in a constructive way. They fall prey to addictions and loss of spirituality. Without self esteem a person is not going to get what he/she wants and will continue in a pit of saddness. Get yourself some help if you fit into this blog information!
What is counseling and coaching?
September 27, 2011
Counseling helps individuals and families understand what is going on in their environment and in the individual. It helps them explore their feelings, thoughts, and motives. It has them look at their core beliefs to see if they are working for them in a positive way. It helps them understand and make decisions about boundaries and limits and what is healthy and what is dysfunctional. It looks at dysfunctional behavior and challenges that. A counselor can help people make sense out of what often seems like chaos. It is a confidential experience where trust is built so individuals can confide in the counselor and be honest with him/her about what is really going on in them. It helps people make decisions about their lives. They begin to see they are not victims but have choices, not only in their behavior but in their attitudes. Coaching is about making goals and reaching them. This can be contained in counseling but is not the entire purpose. Counseling can also look at spirituality and religion as a source for help.
Ways anger can be misused #3
May 29, 2011
3) Psychological displacement of anger. Anger serves many psychological purposes. Linking anger only to personal conflict is easy but deceptive. In reality people use expressed anger inappropriately to meet a variety of questionable emotional needs. This bad habit is also known as the “kick-the-dog” problem. One can become angry in situations in which it would be difficult, inappropriate, or impossible to express anger directly, (i.e. to one’s boss). Because of possible negative consequences, anger may be suppressed until a safe target becomes available. Easy targets can be subordinates on the job, other drivers on the road, a spouse, children, a pet, or strangers who bring on frustrations in minor ways. These innocents receive the brunt of pent up anger because they are there and vulnerable. In these cases, anger management counseling can be helpful overcoming this tendency. This misuse of anger is a definite sign of codependency and can signal anxiety and depression. It is abusive to those around the person who uses this type of anger, and he will find himself without friends and associates if he continues this behavior. It is hard on a marriage and marriage counseling may be called for. It is one of the stages of grief/bereavement.
Ways anger can be misused, #1
April 14, 2011
Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.
Being abused and self worth
February 11, 2011
Being abused is not just about physical behavior but also psychological, subtle, confusing behavior. It’s purpose is to destroy the person who is being abused self-worth and it usuallly works. It is a serious problem in all societies and has been addressed more in this country in the last 10 years. The person being abused does not have the information she/he needs and therefore goes along with the “program” of the abuser’s. That is continual put downs, insults, anger attacks, blaming to just name a few. All the while the abuser is saying he/she loves the spouse, partner, child, or something to that effect. This makes it very difficult for the person being abused to see the reality of his/her situation and puts them in denial. They really believe what the abuser says unless they have the self worth to see through it and stand up for themselves. They can be having a great day and the abuser says or does something which knocks the wind out of the other.
They can stand up for themselves if they still have enough self esteem but it really won’t change anything and can just cause a fight and they will end up “wrong” as usual. Also, standing up for themseves all the time is very tiring and throws a person off what they were doing. It is a dangerous way to live unless tje ab are getting help from a knowledgeable counselor or coach who really knows the sublties of this serious problem. It can cause addictions, suidcide, illness, tendency to fall and just feeling hurt and unloved most of the time. Depression, insomnia, and anxiety are three hallmarks of this situation and need to be treated as soon as possible. The elderly and people with physical issues are the most vulnerable. Other who know about this may be able to help a friend by noticing this behavior and being a friend. Usually the victim is isolated from friends as a result of the abuser. Learn what a healthy relationship is and what true love is all about. I speak of this in my book Dilemma of Love which is a timeless book and was written out of love and to help people.
Self-esteem, self worth, and assertiveness
February 4, 2011
A positive self-image is critical to living in this world. Our self-image is dependent on self-esteem, self worth, and the resultant assertiveness. It is the key that opens the doors which can be chosen by asking your higher self which doors are the right ones to open. We always pass on our self-image to our children for they know who we really are. I did a lot of praying for the courage to challenge my old tendency to discount myself. I had a lot of counseling and coaching to help me do that. I prayed that all my strong points would be very clear to me, each day. I had to learn to love myself by letting others love me and support me. That means I had to open up and ask for help and be honest. Today I have nothing to hide and am grateful for my ability to be assertive in a straight and honest way without being pushy or aggresive. I am amazed at how strong I am when I am up against something challenging and sometimes have no direct support except my highter power who I chose to call God. I will write more on this subject because I feel it is so important. You will hear from me in a few days to continue this topic. I am generally not codependent which I have worked on for many years and it has saved my life.
Healing continues for shootings in Tucson
January 24, 2011
Our city of Tucson needs healing as does the whole country from the devastation of Jan. 8 on “Congress on the Corner” help by Gabrielle Giffords, congresswoman. She was an innocent and enthusiastic young woman who wanted to help people and hear her constituites ideas. She voted for the issues of district 8, not her party’s issues. She is a fair and caring person. How long will we remember this and honor what she was sacrificed for? I hope a long time. As she is in rehab in Houston, we are here with here memorial, acres long, in front of University Medical Center: it is tear jerking, deeply moving, beautiful, and honoring. It is filled with love. People are still milling around in it and crying as they read the letters and notes written to Gabby and the other people. It is a sad and beautiful thing to see. We need to remember so we can do something about what happened so that it does not happen again. People need to be kinder to one another ane more compassionate. There is no reason a gun with that capacity needs to be sold in this country. We are already working on better mental health for adults facilities and employing the law in Arizona that is little known; stating that when you see someone who is mentally unbalanced you can get them committed. Let’s publize the law and use it. It’s tough love at it’s best. Let’s not say we can’t do anything about it. Let’s DO something about it and any other issues you find wrong. Abuse, addiction, anger, rage, hatred, anxiety, depression, need to be replaced with love and hope and action. Sometimes tough action to save the innocent. Prayer, kindess, and action show real love. Parents need to be parents, not friends, to their children and have boundaries and discipline, and consequences for bad behavior. Relationships need to be repaired.
Tragedy the country should remember. ..shootings in Tucson
January 20, 2011
So quickly people forget and they should not forget the shootings in Tucson of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and many other people including the death of a fantastic little girl. Congress on the Corner was a unique happening and one of my clients almost went. It was a shock to us here and the saddest thing that has happened since 9/ll. The little girl who was shot was born on 9/ll. The political climate in the country has been one of intense anger, rage, abuse and the lowest of human behavior. This was not necessarily a political act by this deranged man but the general hateful climate set the stage. Perhaps this has shocked some people into feeling. And with feeling a knowing that name calling and making fun of people is abusive. Perhaps some healing will come out of this and the nation will be more cooperative and unified. It brought the whole city to prayer and caring. Love is what is the basis of life, not hatred. People can disagree with respect.
