Healthy relationships
May 14, 2012
Healthy relationships seem to be hard to come by for many people. There are a few basic attitudes that are key to having one. Friendship to love or love to friendship. It can work either way. It needs to be maintained with tactful honesty, courtesy, kindness, and fairness. It is important to focus on the positive in the other and let the other person know your thinking and feelings. So often we think things but forget to say them. The other person needs to know your positive feelings about them. If a negative comes up for you about the other, you can share that in an “I statement” and with kindness, yet firmness. It is important not to let negatives pile up in you and then end up blasting the other out of the blue. Each person needs to know they can count on the consistency of the other in the way they are treated. There should be no blaming and the making of amends when wrong (or even by accident hurt the other) should be handled right away. There is no importance to being “right”. Look for similar values, morals, and basic integrity when choosing who to be with. This is all under the heading of “communication” which often isn’t explained so no one knows what that really means. It isn’t complicated. It is about letting the other person always keep face and feel respected. That means you need to really respect the other and let them know. It isn’t hard if you keep it simple. This is the beginning and a good counselor or coach can teach you more if she or he is living it. The joy you will receive from happy, healthy relationships makes life worthwhile and builds self-esteem and confidence.
Abusive behavior causes illness in those connected.
May 4, 2012
A client of mine went to her chiropractor every week for the last couple of years mainly to be have her internal organs tested for health and strength. She also got an adjustment which she needed nearly every time. Each time her organs would test out weak in most of them and often all of them. She also took supplements to help the strength of them. She and her doctor talked about her home situation often. About 2 years ago her husband started to change, suble at first and then more obvious. The wife didn’t know what to do or what was going on under the presenting behavior. She was increasingly being put down, sarcasm sent her way, blamed, called names, corrected, and generally being abused with guilt being the biggest tactic. As her husband was quite a bit older than her she didn’t want to leave him yet was getting more and more agitated as time went on. Since I had been in a similar situation I helped her put together a medical program which her doctor ok’d and prescribed for so when we did an intervention and her husband was put on the medication, given a specialized food, and taken to a program of positive thinking and spirituality daily, This helped his oncoming dementia and re-emergence of old alcoholic behavior which I thought was happening to him. After just a couple months he was like a new person with only a few “slips” in behavior very occasionally. What happened to her was short of amazing! She began to sleep better, function more easily, not be depressed and anxious, and when tested again, all her organs tested normal and strong. She no longer required treatment/adjustments. She is actually happy every day as she was given back the life she was meant to have. The power of the abusive person is so great and the person relating to him doesn’t realize it because she’s in it every day. Even the sick person/addict doesn’t truly see it for what it is because he is in denial. The wife sure does now and is she greatful for her own returning health plus getting her husband back. Please don’t wait until you are really sick to do something about your situation. If I can help in any way let me know. I send my love and prayers to you. website Drsusanricketson.com and Livefromyourheart.com
Co-dependency brings on negativity
April 19, 2012
Co-dependency brings on negativity. People afflicted with this condition are usually chronically angry (although it may not “show” because it is covered up by extreme niceness), anxious or depressed. It is my take that those who are free of co-dependency are upbeat, optimistic, and grateful. A Harvard review brings out that people who with a better sense of well-being tend to have less heart attacks and better health all around. It also mentions that people who have some control over their lives and are invested in their care have better outcomes in life. Get help for co-dependency. I have and it is a fantastic life.
Inter-dependency and Co-dependency
April 15, 2012
Excerpt from the book “Dilemma of Love” by Dr. Susan Ricketson: If you can take care of yourself in a relationship, you can learn to be inter-dependent with your partner, rather than codependent. This means you can be intensely connected and bonded with your partner and yet maintain your unique, precious self. You can allow yourself to be vulnerable and loving and still feel your strength and your personal power. When you are clear about who you are, you can be fully yourself with another person. This is a sign of high self-differentiation and true spiritual health.
Enabling the Addict/Alcoholic #2
March 14, 2012
2) Maintain the self image of the person being abused by the addict. There is often a lot of shame connected to being abused and being with an addict. How would the abused “look” to others would if he/she admitted there was a problem? Would people blame her or look down on her for being in that position? She might feel guilty thinking she did something to cause the addict to be addicted. This is especially true for parents with children who are addicts. They might think they did or didn’t do something they should have done that caused the addiction. They might think if only they could be different, then the addict would stop the behavior. The fact is they didn’t cause it, they can’t control it, and they can’t cure it. There is a lot of information available, especially in Twelve Step Programs that can give them information about the disease and their part in it and how it is affecting them. A counselor can teach them knowledge about addiction of all kinds. They need to come out of isolation, so they can learn about the disease and learn it isn’t their fault. Enablers need to see they are codependent.
Aging Gracefully
March 4, 2012
For anyone over 50 years, aging gracefully is a challenge. I realized the other day as my birthday is about to arrive that it isn’t for me about age but about how well I feel and what I’m able to do. Most people in my family live to be quite an age and keep their minds in good working order. That is a legacy to live up to and in itself quite an opportunity to think positively with the start of each day, continue to grow spiritually, and keep the gratitude up there.
My job (yes, I’m still working) is to keep myself in the best shape and to help others to go through the various stages of aging in the most graceful way they can. It is also to be compassionate with those (including myself at times) who are finding it difficult to do this and need/want some encouragement and some tips on how to do it. The man who is telling his story in “Water for Elephants” (by Sara Guren) is in his 90′s and has been through a lot. The final chapter shows how he never gave up his passion for what he loved the most and finds a way to regain some of that. It is very touching.
Having perservereance through all the body trauma, obituaries, illnesses, so many loses (people move, they die, they can’t do what they used to with you) is remarkable. This includes dealing with all the feelings that go with those happenings. Often it just seems like too much and we need extra help to go through it. Every birthday is another year of experience and wisdom to pass on to those we love.
Coaching and Marriage Counseling
February 19, 2012
After going through unproductive and harmful marriage counseling of my own many years ago, in the beginning of my practice, I developed a kind of marriage counseling and coaching that has proven to produce 99% positive results. The one couple in which it failed was not meant to be together, in my view, because it was a chronically abusive relationship.
The way I work is to talk confidentially with each partner (spouse/parent/child) individually as many times as is necessary to get from that person what is really going on in the relationship and what issues he or she are putting on the other person. Then, in a controlled, safe environment (no abuse, no yelling, no walking out of the room or hanging up the phone) I lead the participants in a two plus hour session to share things with each other. I introduce structured ideas that I asked them to share, and then I have each share something that is really bothering them in the relationship while looking directly at one another. Each person may only reply “Thank you. I hear you”.
The process proceeds from there to some kind of resolution and goals for that particular session. Then we repeat the process of individual sessions until another joint meeting is indicated. This process may be repeated two or three times or many times depending on the severity of the problems and the willingness of each person to be fully clear about his or her needs, wants, and concerns.
I love doing this work, because I love to see people work out their difficulties so they can be happy together again and are able to feel the closeness of clearly resolved issues. At the end of this process, their codependency becomes interdependency.
Free from Victim Thinking
January 8, 2012
In childhood children are dependent on the adults in life to take care of them. They are influenced by the way those adults think and behave. Therefore, many children are victimized and that is real and needs to be given attention. Many situations are denied as abusive and those children grow up to have victim thinking (and behavior) not realizing they were abused. Usually something happens to intervene and they are pressed to face their past. My suggestion is to face and process out (theuraputic term) their abusive experiences and begin to understand how they allowed themselves as adults to think in victim ways and allow themselves to be abused or be abusive themselves. They need to get rid of the painful memories in childhood through therapy and begin to see positive ways of thinking through coaching. We all grow up our own way by the choices we make and those lead to other choices. To finally come to the place where you can choose to think in a positive way and see that you are no longer a victim (unless you allow it)but a person who chooses how to live and in what way and with whom (people who will be positive for them). This is freedom from codependency one day at a time. This is freedom from addiction in the moment. This is to really be an adult believing in a higher power to guide them every step of the way.
Accountability in coaching
December 9, 2011
In coaching the client sets up goals in which he wants to be accountable. The coach is there to protect that accountability not to be responsible for it. That is up to the client. The coach wants very much for the client to reach his goals each week, but the coach is not attached to whether the client does so or not. The coach is there to encourage, to help the client learn from mistakes, and to help the client understand why he may have failed. There is no criticizing or judging of the client, and there is a great acclaim for when the client is able to accomplish each step of the way.
An example would be to lose weight and to stay on a certain food plan. To share that goal is to make it real and more attainable. A person may want to quit smoking and can share the difficulty that goes with that and the progress being made as he goes along in attaining that goal. The coach holds the client accountable to empower the change he wants to make. This provides the means for change and creates the greatest opportunity to acknowledge how he succeeds.
Ultimately, the client is accountable for his own life and his own agenda. The coach holds that sacred. Homework is often given to assist the client in understanding the process he is going through in achieving his goals. To be accountable means simply to give an account. What worked? What didn’t work? What happened? What would you do differently next time?
A client having a coach to share with gives the motivation to stick with a project when the initial enthusiasm has worn off. It is to keep client moving along until desired results are obtained. The process is the same regardless of the goal and is what brings success almost every time. Every success brings increased self esteem, confidence, and happiness.
Self-esteem and Codependency
November 4, 2011
Self esteem and codependency are linked closely. Lack of self esteem is seen in persons high in codependency. They have trouble making decisions and sticking to a project. They look at all the things they don’t like about themselves and save very little time to thinking about all their assets . This is where a counselor or coach can come in and really help. One can help the codependent to really turn their life around and start seeing all the positives in themselves and their potential. With weekly commitment to goals they can quite quickly start feeling better about themselves. Depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, weight gain or anorexia can be absolished. Anger can be dispelled: distinguishing between old, useless anger and new appropriate anger and what to do with it in a constructive way. They fall prey to addictions and loss of spirituality. Without self esteem a person is not going to get what he/she wants and will continue in a pit of saddness. Get yourself some help if you fit into this blog information!
