Choose the way you want to think
November 10, 2010
You can choose the way you want to think, your attitude, your belief systems; in other words, you have control over how your life goes by your initial thinking and your reactions to what life offers. You will not need defensive behavior and reactionary anger. You can choose to see what happens and what people say in a realistic manner instead of a distorted one. Check out my articles to get more information. Prayer is a good way to start the day, with gratitude, even if you dont FEEL it. “Act as if” is a good reminder and soon you will be believing. This will help you with codependency, addictions, insomnia, abuse, and resentment/grief. It will help with depression and elder care, toxic relationships, and aiming towards healthy ones. Love is the bottom line but needs to be practiced and open your heart for physical health as well as emotional well-being. Never leave out possibility of counseling and coaching for lasting mental health.
Home is so important for some people
September 25, 2010
Home in so important to me and I have taken good care of the home I fell in love with in Tucson. I have made it exactly the way I want it and after looking at 50 homes to downsize, I have found a way to stay in my home. I wanted to do the “right” thing and agonized about it in the middle of the night for weeks (insomnia)(restless sleep). I had terrible anxierty in the night. It is so wonderful to have made this decision and to be able to sleep again and be at peace. I prayed for the right thing to do and the right person to do the financing with. I have always known God will answer my prayer but sometimes it takes a lot of patience before he does. i was angry at the thought of moving and sad about it, too. I started cleaning out my closet which was filled with letters, cards, photo albums, and everything else you can think of from my parents home and from my kids childhood. Going through so much of that has been really healing and connecting me to my roots again. I had to go through some grieving about my parents being gone. Oh, how I wish they were here! I promised myself that even if I didn’t move, I would sort out and clean out all the closets and drawers and garage. So I am in that process. it is very healing.
Deep permeanting anger needs many sesssions to heal
September 20, 2010
People come to me and want me to fix their anger in 3 months time and we work very hard on it and make some great progress. However, there is an underlying deep and pervasive anger inside the person which takes subtle and deep work over a period of time to transform that. If the person is in denial it makes it very difficult to help them see they have this deep anger. They know their relationships are not right but think it is the other person mostly. I try to gently let them know they are doing themselves in by not dealing with this permeating anger and rage and they can be free if they will but follow some simple instrutions I can give them and we can talk about it as well as do deep process work on it. Counseling and life coaching are ways to do this and I hope you take advantage of it. You can change your attitudes and your life.
How to be free of anger running you
September 16, 2010
When explaining to a client yesterday about being free of anger “running you”, I thought this would make an interesting blog. I’ve done a series on anger which you can find by pressing “next” over and over on my website. However, I never said it quite this way which might be helpful to some of you. When you react off of other people with anger you are in your codependency; it may seem like you are winning but you really are losing. If another person’s behavior is something you don’t like and you have a feeling of anger, think first and then ACT out of your own being by saying what you need and what you do not like. If they don’t listen to you and respond then you are dealing with someone who does not care about your feelings and there is no need to continue the conversation. If you stay angry and argue or try to convince the person you are right you are losing yourself. Holding onto anger is bad for your body and health. If you use that anger to motivate you to do something, it is not coming out of your center but is reactionary to others. It can cause you to do behaviors that will have negative consequences. .Holding onto anger can lead to addictions and abuseive relationships. Depression is anger turned inward. Being angry at yourself is futile. Anger repressed or overt can cause fatigue, insomnia, and pain. Anger held onto will kill love. Experiment with this and see how it feels and what the different results are from different behaviors of yours. You will learn a lot about yourself and free yourself from the control of others.
Grief has it’s own process
August 23, 2010
Grief has it’s own process and there is no way to “hurry” it along. I just went through several weeks of it myself while looking at small houses to buy and preparing to sell my fairly large and “perfect” house. I didn’t really know for sure what I was going through; I just knew I was angry a lot and crying a lot. These are not normal behaviors for me. I would really try to have a good attitude when we would go out looking at houses (town houses or condos) and by the end of the day I was so exhausted I could hardly do anything. I really tried to imagine how my smaller amount of furniture would fit in the rooms and what I would do to make it a home. Then I’d come home to my light, airy, visually beautiful home full of comfort and everything in it’s place. I did all the financing figures and kept coming up with it would cost more to move than to stay here since I don’t have to fix anything up here. I am talking to a life coach and praying a lot. I know the answers will come because they always do. Finally after several weeks I came to a point where I stopped grieving. Now I have a free choice: to move or stay. Right now it feels like stay very strongly. I certainly am glad to be through the depression and anxiety and sleeplessness, guilt, remorse, shame and all the other feelings that accompanied the grief. I feel freed and lifted even though the decision is still not made. I know I need to plan for the future but I only have today to live to the fullest. Growing older is a challenge and I’m far from elder care, I hope, but I have to think of that eventually. I am glad to have had this cleansing experience. I feel like a new person!
Codependency trap and ways out
June 26, 2010
Every so often we all fall into the codependency trap, feeling like we are in a blanket of darkness and there is no way out. Whether it is because of a dysfunctional relationship, defensive yourself or at the effect of another’s behavior, sometimes things look so dark and dreary and you are so tired that you say “how will I ever get my positive attitude back?”. If you are having one of those days, pray to your higher power to guide you to do what is best for that day and do also what you are committed to do. It is important to keep your commitments and your word to yourself and others. Think of lighting a candle, and even do it if you can’t just do it in your mind, and begin to list all the things you are grateful for and be open to love. Tell someone else the good things about them. The simpliest things such as you are not sick or you are healing from an illness and that will have its’ ups and downs. I took a homeopathic drug given by a very good doctor I have known for years for a condition that so far I have found no answer to and I have tried all the regular medical model medicines and disciplines other than having an operation which I don’t believe I need to have. I think there is another answer somewhere and I just haven’t found it. I talk to my coach for support and that helps me stay connected to someone who knows me and will give me honest and helpful suggestions and ideas. The second day of the homeopathic remedy I had a “healing crisis” (which at the time I did not know what was causing me to feel so sick, tired, discouraged, negative, and basically codependent which feeds negativity) and I didn’t know what was wrong. Not knowing is the hardest for me, waiting for some answers and guidance from my higher power who often speaks to me through reading or other people when I am willing to share what is going on honestly and not have shame attack me and guilt pull me down because I “don’t know” the answers for myself. I am able to help others when sometimes I can only light the candle for myself and pray for enlightenment. Connection to others who are good, kind people is one of the most important elements for me. So, if you are having one of those depressed, anxious days when you are so tired but sleep eludes you, find your coach or counselor and get another perspective and bring hope back into your day. What am I angry about is a good question when I am this down. Am I being abused? Is my self esteem down? These are the questions I need to ask myself to come out of this.
Defensive behavior result of toxic relationships, addictions, codependency.
June 9, 2010
Defensive behavior is the result of toxic relationships, addictions, and/or codependency. Having affairs is devastating to both the person who is having it and the one who is being betrayed. It may not seem obvious to the person who is in the affair, secretive and isolating, but the anger and sickness is there even if they are in denial about it. The person “left behind” is actually in a better position to get healthy again with help from a qualified person such as a coach or counselor. That is because that person is facing reality and seeing what is going on. If the person is in denial he/she can be enabling which just makes the problem worse. The personal with the affair is in denial and is caught in addictions. This leads to loss of self-esteem and confidence, to anxiety and depression, and tremendous anger whether it is shown or not. The person left behind may feel stuck and financially afraid to separate or just too codependent to do so. The loss of spirituality is so obvious and needs attention to resolve the situation. Healthy relationships are possible with the right kind of couples counseling and just individual work. It is worth it to have your sleeping back again, to be out of guilt and emotional pain and perhaps physical pain. I got a call from France from a woman who was a gifted child and through abuse from her Mother for all of her life and then betrayal of her spouse, she found herself in such back pain she ended up having an operation which has debilitated her. Now she wants her life back. She can have it back with intense coaching and counseling but she will have to work very hard on her anger and grief and loss she has been through. Do not wait until you are in that position to get help. Get it BEFORE it goes into physical dysfunction and such loss.
When antidepressants are not good for the depressed person
June 4, 2010
It is a real challenge to deal with depression when you are “allergic” (have poor reactions) to antidepressants. When you are depressed your do not have your create forces working for you and have no motivaton to DO something about your situation. This is when it takes all the power you can muster to take some kind of action. Moving is the best antidote but once you have gone for a walk or a swim, then what?! Praying feels hollow and it is hard to see your prayers being answered. It is a physical experience as well as a mental and emotional and spiritual one. Reading can help you for awhile but you really need to talk to someone about it. Who to call, where to go? The body is a sensitive recepticle and something out of line can cause anxiety and restlessness. This is all part of depression. If you are lonely, how can you build up some resourses so you will have people to look forward to being with? These are a lot of unanswered questions which a coach or counselor can help you with. Get ahold of one soon. Don’t let depression pull you into immobility and discouragement. Perhaps you are being abused and don’t know it. Try an Alanon meeting or any kind of 12 step meeting to get you involved with people. There are support groups for depression. Join on now.
Anger management is more than a few sessions
May 26, 2010
I get a lot of calls from people who have been arrested and want 4 or 5 sessions to get the police off their back. They claim they do not have an anger problem usually or if they do it is insignificant. People do not get arrested because they are in charge of their anger and in control of their life. Anger is a complicated emotion, one of unmet needs and many contributing factors. There are so many causes of anger and people need to know the difference between the acceptable way to express it and the inappropriate way they are expressing it. I give 8 week classes in which I cover all there is to know about this very complicated emotion with lots of personal work with each person. I keep my classes down to 8 or less. I am not doing a class right now so I can offer the same thing basically with individual sessions. This is very personal and can take a 3 month commitment with me (once a week with homework on email) to be really be free of their anger by understanding where it comes from. It is different with each person which is why I personalize it. If someone is really serious about dealing with their anger (repressed or overt) then they will sign up with me and get it all cleared. They will have practice with me and in letters over the email (only to be sent to me). Their boundaries will improve, self-esteem and confidence come back, make positive choices, and have some peace in their life. Their relationships will improve greatly and love can abound where only anger was there. There will be no more defensive relationships, they can deal with their grief and loss issues, and learning to say no. I have written many blogs on anger (press “next” in the blog area of my website until you come to about 6 blogs going into anger throughly) and if someone wants to really know about this emotion that is the place to start along with calling me and setting up a session. I will not take on someone who just wants a few sessions to get the police off their back. I want people who sincerely want to be free of their anger running their life. Then they will not have to worry about police or spouses’ rage. They will find some spirituality to live by. Prayer may become a daily part of their life. Their will be no more abuse of oneself and of others or of being abused by others. The pain and health issues will clear up. All this can happen by getting to know their anger and doing something about it. See all the testimonials in my website on anger healing. Codependency causes anger and pain and can be healed. It brings on addictions which can be healed. There is so much help available today. Please call me and set up some sessions to be free of this debilitating emotion when used wrongly. Depression is a sure sign of anger help inward. If one can just lift up the phone or email me they can have freedom from toxic anger and anxiety.
Healthy vs Toxic Relationships
May 20, 2010
People get really confused with all the information out there about relationships. It’s as if all you have to do it pray or think positively and your relationships are going to be happy and healthy. There is a lot more to it than that. You need to know the difference between healthy and toxic ones. I go into this fully in my book which can be ordered on line in my website which you probably have if you are reading this. In counseling and coaching sessions I help you get very clear in your relationships so you remove guilt, remorse, grief and anger; you can clean up your side of the street. There is nothing I can do about the other person unless you feel it is worth having couples counseling. In that I can do wonders for both people. First it is important you deal with your grief and loss, your codependency, your addictions so that you are as clear as can be. Sometimes it is impossible for you to do what I have suggested because you are so bogged down by defensive behavior and abuse in the relationship. This is where you can start to get help. Email me at tonkisue@comcast.net to make contact with me and leave your phone number and some good times to reach you. Start now! Get your self esteem back, your confidence, spirituality, physical health. Heal your anxiety and depression. All of these things are being affected by toxic relationships. Most people have no idea how the stress of unhealthy relationships can pull you down into the pits and into serious codependency. Please email or call now.
