Grief has it’s own process
August 23, 2010
Grief has it’s own process and there is no way to “hurry” it along. I just went through several weeks of it myself while looking at small houses to buy and preparing to sell my fairly large and “perfect” house. I didn’t really know for sure what I was going through; I just knew I was angry a lot and crying a lot. These are not normal behaviors for me. I would really try to have a good attitude when we would go out looking at houses (town houses or condos) and by the end of the day I was so exhausted I could hardly do anything. I really tried to imagine how my smaller amount of furniture would fit in the rooms and what I would do to make it a home. Then I’d come home to my light, airy, visually beautiful home full of comfort and everything in it’s place. I did all the financing figures and kept coming up with it would cost more to move than to stay here since I don’t have to fix anything up here. I am talking to a life coach and praying a lot. I know the answers will come because they always do. Finally after several weeks I came to a point where I stopped grieving. Now I have a free choice: to move or stay. Right now it feels like stay very strongly. I certainly am glad to be through the depression and anxiety and sleeplessness, guilt, remorse, shame and all the other feelings that accompanied the grief. I feel freed and lifted even though the decision is still not made. I know I need to plan for the future but I only have today to live to the fullest. Growing older is a challenge and I’m far from elder care, I hope, but I have to think of that eventually. I am glad to have had this cleansing experience. I feel like a new person!
Healthy vs Toxic Relationships
May 20, 2010
People get really confused with all the information out there about relationships. It’s as if all you have to do it pray or think positively and your relationships are going to be happy and healthy. There is a lot more to it than that. You need to know the difference between healthy and toxic ones. I go into this fully in my book which can be ordered on line in my website which you probably have if you are reading this. In counseling and coaching sessions I help you get very clear in your relationships so you remove guilt, remorse, grief and anger; you can clean up your side of the street. There is nothing I can do about the other person unless you feel it is worth having couples counseling. In that I can do wonders for both people. First it is important you deal with your grief and loss, your codependency, your addictions so that you are as clear as can be. Sometimes it is impossible for you to do what I have suggested because you are so bogged down by defensive behavior and abuse in the relationship. This is where you can start to get help. Email me at tonkisue@comcast.net to make contact with me and leave your phone number and some good times to reach you. Start now! Get your self esteem back, your confidence, spirituality, physical health. Heal your anxiety and depression. All of these things are being affected by toxic relationships. Most people have no idea how the stress of unhealthy relationships can pull you down into the pits and into serious codependency. Please email or call now.
Empowerment by dealing with grief and loss
April 16, 2010
Why should someone go to grief counseling with a really seasoned counselor? Doing the process of releasing and healing grief and loss will bring about renewed health and empowerment. Often the grief is hidden and a person thinks they have dealt with it but it is in there eating away at the body, mind, and spirituality. Loss of job, relationship, health or loss of use or agility in part of your body are some examples. Being abused, death of a dream, breaking of a trust, and of course, death of a loved one or loss of your children through divorce and the other spouse turning them against you, or losing a child to illness. Not going through a full healing process can bring on depression, repressed anger (means you don’t know you have it), feelings of giving up, wanting to withdraw into a cacoon, not participating in activites and even withdraw from being a spectator of previously loved happenings. There are lots of free bereavement counseling, grief group counseling, grief therapy, children and counseling but it is hard for those options to really deeply address the complicated twists and turns these emotions can take without a person realizing it. You need a person who has dealt with ALL their own grief issues (of which there are many in life) who will be compassionate and truly listen, providing a safe, nourishing container for the complex, intense, and often undervalued experience of grieving. By receiving understanding and support, loss can become a rich opportunity for learning, growth, deepening of spirit, sense of community, and vision. It can be a tranformative process which will bring spiritual enrichment. By honestly sharing one’s feeling and thoughts, moment to moment, as well as periodic summation of the process empowerment and increased assertiveness will happen. Children especially need specialized grief counseling when they experience a loss. In the long run, it is better to pay for something and get the expertise you deserve than just take what is offered free or for a low price to save the money. Any good counselor will work with you on the financial end of it. Over my lifetime I have needed the help of grief counseling and I have always gone to the best. I am living proof that it was worth it. I am very grateful for the quality of my life and my zest for living after the many losses I’ve experienced. Thank you for listening to this very important topic. Let me just add one extreme and obvious experience I had when my favorite cat died. I really had a personal relationship with her. I could not eat or sleep for 2 weeks. This was totally out of my control. I was shocked that I would have such a dramatic reaction when I already had had so much loss in my life. With really top notch counseling I came out of it and found a spiritual answer which has served me well in the following years. Most grief is much more subtle than this and that is why you need a counselor who can help you find and release those feelings under the surface that are not apparant. Don’t let your codependency keep you from getting help. Don’t let it turn into addictions to push away the pain. You can be free of both codependency and addictions by dealing with your grief.
Codependency and Aging Parents
April 2, 2010
Codependency and aging parents is covered in a chapter of my book. Since I wrote the book I have had some years go by and have a few things to add as my own wisdom has increased by my experience and learnings. Here are some concepts from my book which I will paraphrase; then I will add what I know today to be important with seniors/elders. It is a natural part of the life cycle for parents to age and to become more dependent on their children. Healthy families adjust to these changes well. The adult children and grandchildren are able to feel respect and affection for them and help them without neglecting themselves. If you grew up in a family where emotions were repressed and tensions unresolved, you may struggle with how to “be” with your parents and how to care for them. The effects of codependency and addictions on all can be cumulative, resulting in physical, emotional, and financial problems. If the adult children have not dealt with their issues through coaching, counseling, or some other source, they may fall into destructive patterns when dealing with their parents which are harmful to them and to the elders. As a person who spent many years not only in therapy but spiritually dealing with my own parents, I was able to feel free and totally be my adult self when my parents and other senior relatives needed my support. I am grateful for that. Now as I am growing older, although I feel young at heart and of mind and am doing well physically, I need to stress how important it is to be sensitive to a parents’ emotional and spiritual being as to their physical needs. Respect and courtesy are high on the list of how to relate. For more information, go to the book “Dilemma of Love” on my website and find out for yourself all the pertinent information.
