Being abused and self worth
February 11, 2011
Being abused is not just about physical behavior but also psychological, subtle, confusing behavior. It’s purpose is to destroy the person who is being abused self-worth and it usuallly works. It is a serious problem in all societies and has been addressed more in this country in the last 10 years. The person being abused does not have the information she/he needs and therefore goes along with the “program” of the abuser’s. That is continual put downs, insults, anger attacks, blaming to just name a few. All the while the abuser is saying he/she loves the spouse, partner, child, or something to that effect. This makes it very difficult for the person being abused to see the reality of his/her situation and puts them in denial. They really believe what the abuser says unless they have the self worth to see through it and stand up for themselves. They can be having a great day and the abuser says or does something which knocks the wind out of the other.
They can stand up for themselves if they still have enough self esteem but it really won’t change anything and can just cause a fight and they will end up “wrong” as usual. Also, standing up for themseves all the time is very tiring and throws a person off what they were doing. It is a dangerous way to live unless tje ab are getting help from a knowledgeable counselor or coach who really knows the sublties of this serious problem. It can cause addictions, suidcide, illness, tendency to fall and just feeling hurt and unloved most of the time. Depression, insomnia, and anxiety are three hallmarks of this situation and need to be treated as soon as possible. The elderly and people with physical issues are the most vulnerable. Other who know about this may be able to help a friend by noticing this behavior and being a friend. Usually the victim is isolated from friends as a result of the abuser. Learn what a healthy relationship is and what true love is all about. I speak of this in my book Dilemma of Love which is a timeless book and was written out of love and to help people.
Visiting family near holidays
December 1, 2010
Visiting family near holidays can be quite an experience! Depending on how healed you are in your codependency is the quality of visit you will have. You cannot control other people so it is best to just visit knowing the family will be the way they are at this given time and you can choose to enjoy them or find fault with them. It really is that simple. Even if you are dealing with active addicts and alcoholics you still have a choice on how you respond (rather than “react”) to each person at any moment. Your main job will be to take care of yourself, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It also is your job to let others care for themselves unless you are asked to hellp out or there is an obvious situation that needs attending. I am going on a trip to visit my children and grandchildren and various others. So it my husband. What I need to remember is I cannot control my husband in how he deals with the family. Hopefully he will follow his alanon program and let them all “be” but I am not in charge of that. I am going with a positive attitude and loving heart. May the family have like feelings towards us as we visit. I am praying to be guided and cared for. There will probably be some physical pain to deal with all people involved. May I act appropriately.
Choose the way you want to think
November 10, 2010
You can choose the way you want to think, your attitude, your belief systems; in other words, you have control over how your life goes by your initial thinking and your reactions to what life offers. You will not need defensive behavior and reactionary anger. You can choose to see what happens and what people say in a realistic manner instead of a distorted one. Check out my articles to get more information. Prayer is a good way to start the day, with gratitude, even if you dont FEEL it. “Act as if” is a good reminder and soon you will be believing. This will help you with codependency, addictions, insomnia, abuse, and resentment/grief. It will help with depression and elder care, toxic relationships, and aiming towards healthy ones. Love is the bottom line but needs to be practiced and open your heart for physical health as well as emotional well-being. Never leave out possibility of counseling and coaching for lasting mental health.
toxic relationships vs healthy relationships
October 5, 2010
Toxic relationships vs healthy relationships has been a lifelong issue. In a toxic relationship there may been alcoholism, drug addiction, intense anger and resentment, and abuse. To protect yourself from such a relationship you really need to distance yourself from the person and pray for them as well as yourself. To engage in such a relationship can cause insomnia, physical pain, illness, and a host of negativity. Healthy relationships are loving and smooth and flowing. Focus on those in your life and turn away from the toxic ones. Get therapy or coaching to help you through this patch of pain.
Home is so important for some people
September 25, 2010
Home in so important to me and I have taken good care of the home I fell in love with in Tucson. I have made it exactly the way I want it and after looking at 50 homes to downsize, I have found a way to stay in my home. I wanted to do the “right” thing and agonized about it in the middle of the night for weeks (insomnia)(restless sleep). I had terrible anxierty in the night. It is so wonderful to have made this decision and to be able to sleep again and be at peace. I prayed for the right thing to do and the right person to do the financing with. I have always known God will answer my prayer but sometimes it takes a lot of patience before he does. i was angry at the thought of moving and sad about it, too. I started cleaning out my closet which was filled with letters, cards, photo albums, and everything else you can think of from my parents home and from my kids childhood. Going through so much of that has been really healing and connecting me to my roots again. I had to go through some grieving about my parents being gone. Oh, how I wish they were here! I promised myself that even if I didn’t move, I would sort out and clean out all the closets and drawers and garage. So I am in that process. it is very healing.
Deep permeanting anger needs many sesssions to heal
September 20, 2010
People come to me and want me to fix their anger in 3 months time and we work very hard on it and make some great progress. However, there is an underlying deep and pervasive anger inside the person which takes subtle and deep work over a period of time to transform that. If the person is in denial it makes it very difficult to help them see they have this deep anger. They know their relationships are not right but think it is the other person mostly. I try to gently let them know they are doing themselves in by not dealing with this permeating anger and rage and they can be free if they will but follow some simple instrutions I can give them and we can talk about it as well as do deep process work on it. Counseling and life coaching are ways to do this and I hope you take advantage of it. You can change your attitudes and your life.
Life and death of my aunt and grief and loss
August 28, 2010
My Aunt Pauline was there from the time I can remember. Every summer I would go out to my grandparents in Ohio on the farm and then go to visit her. She lived just a mile away. My 5 cousins were like brothers and sisters to me and we had a great time playing and visiting relatives around the area. I could talk to Aunt Pauline about anything and as I grew older we got into some really deep subjects. It was wonderful to call her after I moved to Tucson and wasn’t visiting Ohio so much. She and I would talk about everything. She had many challenges in life but she met them with dignity and dealt with her anger in a healthy way. When her children were little her home burned down but she came through like a champ and they built a new onw which she’s been in ever since. My grandparents took the whole family in until they got their new home. She was sharp as can be mentally, president of the quilters association, went to Senior luncheons and lived in her own home all her life with her little poodle who adored her. Her daughter came out every day and they would do things together and her oldest son came out every day and then would watch the games with her on Saturdays. Her home had flowers everywhere including inside! She was 99 years old and doing well except her kidneys started failing. Finally her kids took her to the hospital which she hated but had a phone and I could call her and talk. Three days ago I called in the morning, just had a “feeling” I needed to talk to her and see if the new medicine she was trying was working. She sounded bright as can be and was so glad to hear from me. She told me excitedly “they are coming to take me home today” (meaning her son and daughter). So I cried a few tears of joy and was really happy for her since I know how important “home” is. I love my home and do not want to leave it. Then I got a call from another cousin who said she didn’t “make it”. I called Lois who took care of her, her daughter, and she told me the story which I think is quite beautiful. She got home and sat on the sofa with her dog on her lap and Lois having her arm around her. Jerry, her son, was there with her, too. Suddenly she said she didn’t feel well and next thing she was gone. Home to her heavenly home. I wish so much I could be with the whole family at this time but I am in a very intense program for my health for 3 months and cannot leave. So I have been talking to all the “kids” on the phone and I ordered a dozen roses and other flowers to make a beautiful bouquet to put by her head at the visiting hours and funeral. I am thanking God for the special opportunity I got to talk to her that morning and I will always hear her voice in my head of what she said that day. I am grieving here but I am not alone because I have friends to share it with and the phone to talk to my family. It is important that I tell this God inspired story about a wonderful woman who did so much for others and had so much love in her heart. The loss is great but what a great way to die and not have to suffer all kinds of treatments. I am grateful for the many blessings I have like this. I just have to follow my first intuition and act on it if it comes from the heart. Now I cry tears of gratitude for knowing this woman and for her long life with her mind in tact (and her body working pretty well until the end!!).
Grief has it’s own process
August 23, 2010
Grief has it’s own process and there is no way to “hurry” it along. I just went through several weeks of it myself while looking at small houses to buy and preparing to sell my fairly large and “perfect” house. I didn’t really know for sure what I was going through; I just knew I was angry a lot and crying a lot. These are not normal behaviors for me. I would really try to have a good attitude when we would go out looking at houses (town houses or condos) and by the end of the day I was so exhausted I could hardly do anything. I really tried to imagine how my smaller amount of furniture would fit in the rooms and what I would do to make it a home. Then I’d come home to my light, airy, visually beautiful home full of comfort and everything in it’s place. I did all the financing figures and kept coming up with it would cost more to move than to stay here since I don’t have to fix anything up here. I am talking to a life coach and praying a lot. I know the answers will come because they always do. Finally after several weeks I came to a point where I stopped grieving. Now I have a free choice: to move or stay. Right now it feels like stay very strongly. I certainly am glad to be through the depression and anxiety and sleeplessness, guilt, remorse, shame and all the other feelings that accompanied the grief. I feel freed and lifted even though the decision is still not made. I know I need to plan for the future but I only have today to live to the fullest. Growing older is a challenge and I’m far from elder care, I hope, but I have to think of that eventually. I am glad to have had this cleansing experience. I feel like a new person!
Healthy vs Toxic Relationships
May 20, 2010
People get really confused with all the information out there about relationships. It’s as if all you have to do it pray or think positively and your relationships are going to be happy and healthy. There is a lot more to it than that. You need to know the difference between healthy and toxic ones. I go into this fully in my book which can be ordered on line in my website which you probably have if you are reading this. In counseling and coaching sessions I help you get very clear in your relationships so you remove guilt, remorse, grief and anger; you can clean up your side of the street. There is nothing I can do about the other person unless you feel it is worth having couples counseling. In that I can do wonders for both people. First it is important you deal with your grief and loss, your codependency, your addictions so that you are as clear as can be. Sometimes it is impossible for you to do what I have suggested because you are so bogged down by defensive behavior and abuse in the relationship. This is where you can start to get help. Email me at tonkisue@comcast.net to make contact with me and leave your phone number and some good times to reach you. Start now! Get your self esteem back, your confidence, spirituality, physical health. Heal your anxiety and depression. All of these things are being affected by toxic relationships. Most people have no idea how the stress of unhealthy relationships can pull you down into the pits and into serious codependency. Please email or call now.
Empowerment by dealing with grief and loss
April 16, 2010
Why should someone go to grief counseling with a really seasoned counselor? Doing the process of releasing and healing grief and loss will bring about renewed health and empowerment. Often the grief is hidden and a person thinks they have dealt with it but it is in there eating away at the body, mind, and spirituality. Loss of job, relationship, health or loss of use or agility in part of your body are some examples. Being abused, death of a dream, breaking of a trust, and of course, death of a loved one or loss of your children through divorce and the other spouse turning them against you, or losing a child to illness. Not going through a full healing process can bring on depression, repressed anger (means you don’t know you have it), feelings of giving up, wanting to withdraw into a cacoon, not participating in activites and even withdraw from being a spectator of previously loved happenings. There are lots of free bereavement counseling, grief group counseling, grief therapy, children and counseling but it is hard for those options to really deeply address the complicated twists and turns these emotions can take without a person realizing it. You need a person who has dealt with ALL their own grief issues (of which there are many in life) who will be compassionate and truly listen, providing a safe, nourishing container for the complex, intense, and often undervalued experience of grieving. By receiving understanding and support, loss can become a rich opportunity for learning, growth, deepening of spirit, sense of community, and vision. It can be a tranformative process which will bring spiritual enrichment. By honestly sharing one’s feeling and thoughts, moment to moment, as well as periodic summation of the process empowerment and increased assertiveness will happen. Children especially need specialized grief counseling when they experience a loss. In the long run, it is better to pay for something and get the expertise you deserve than just take what is offered free or for a low price to save the money. Any good counselor will work with you on the financial end of it. Over my lifetime I have needed the help of grief counseling and I have always gone to the best. I am living proof that it was worth it. I am very grateful for the quality of my life and my zest for living after the many losses I’ve experienced. Thank you for listening to this very important topic. Let me just add one extreme and obvious experience I had when my favorite cat died. I really had a personal relationship with her. I could not eat or sleep for 2 weeks. This was totally out of my control. I was shocked that I would have such a dramatic reaction when I already had had so much loss in my life. With really top notch counseling I came out of it and found a spiritual answer which has served me well in the following years. Most grief is much more subtle than this and that is why you need a counselor who can help you find and release those feelings under the surface that are not apparant. Don’t let your codependency keep you from getting help. Don’t let it turn into addictions to push away the pain. You can be free of both codependency and addictions by dealing with your grief.
