Healthy relationships
May 14, 2012
Healthy relationships seem to be hard to come by for many people. There are a few basic attitudes that are key to having one. Friendship to love or love to friendship. It can work either way. It needs to be maintained with tactful honesty, courtesy, kindness, and fairness. It is important to focus on the positive in the other and let the other person know your thinking and feelings. So often we think things but forget to say them. The other person needs to know your positive feelings about them. If a negative comes up for you about the other, you can share that in an “I statement” and with kindness, yet firmness. It is important not to let negatives pile up in you and then end up blasting the other out of the blue. Each person needs to know they can count on the consistency of the other in the way they are treated. There should be no blaming and the making of amends when wrong (or even by accident hurt the other) should be handled right away. There is no importance to being “right”. Look for similar values, morals, and basic integrity when choosing who to be with. This is all under the heading of “communication” which often isn’t explained so no one knows what that really means. It isn’t complicated. It is about letting the other person always keep face and feel respected. That means you need to really respect the other and let them know. It isn’t hard if you keep it simple. This is the beginning and a good counselor or coach can teach you more if she or he is living it. The joy you will receive from happy, healthy relationships makes life worthwhile and builds self-esteem and confidence.
Abusive behavior causes illness in those connected.
May 4, 2012
A client of mine went to her chiropractor every week for the last couple of years mainly to be have her internal organs tested for health and strength. She also got an adjustment which she needed nearly every time. Each time her organs would test out weak in most of them and often all of them. She also took supplements to help the strength of them. She and her doctor talked about her home situation often. About 2 years ago her husband started to change, suble at first and then more obvious. The wife didn’t know what to do or what was going on under the presenting behavior. She was increasingly being put down, sarcasm sent her way, blamed, called names, corrected, and generally being abused with guilt being the biggest tactic. As her husband was quite a bit older than her she didn’t want to leave him yet was getting more and more agitated as time went on. Since I had been in a similar situation I helped her put together a medical program which her doctor ok’d and prescribed for so when we did an intervention and her husband was put on the medication, given a specialized food, and taken to a program of positive thinking and spirituality daily, This helped his oncoming dementia and re-emergence of old alcoholic behavior which I thought was happening to him. After just a couple months he was like a new person with only a few “slips” in behavior very occasionally. What happened to her was short of amazing! She began to sleep better, function more easily, not be depressed and anxious, and when tested again, all her organs tested normal and strong. She no longer required treatment/adjustments. She is actually happy every day as she was given back the life she was meant to have. The power of the abusive person is so great and the person relating to him doesn’t realize it because she’s in it every day. Even the sick person/addict doesn’t truly see it for what it is because he is in denial. The wife sure does now and is she greatful for her own returning health plus getting her husband back. Please don’t wait until you are really sick to do something about your situation. If I can help in any way let me know. I send my love and prayers to you. website Drsusanricketson.com and Livefromyourheart.com
Aging Gracefully
March 4, 2012
For anyone over 50 years, aging gracefully is a challenge. I realized the other day as my birthday is about to arrive that it isn’t for me about age but about how well I feel and what I’m able to do. Most people in my family live to be quite an age and keep their minds in good working order. That is a legacy to live up to and in itself quite an opportunity to think positively with the start of each day, continue to grow spiritually, and keep the gratitude up there.
My job (yes, I’m still working) is to keep myself in the best shape and to help others to go through the various stages of aging in the most graceful way they can. It is also to be compassionate with those (including myself at times) who are finding it difficult to do this and need/want some encouragement and some tips on how to do it. The man who is telling his story in “Water for Elephants” (by Sara Guren) is in his 90′s and has been through a lot. The final chapter shows how he never gave up his passion for what he loved the most and finds a way to regain some of that. It is very touching.
Having perservereance through all the body trauma, obituaries, illnesses, so many loses (people move, they die, they can’t do what they used to with you) is remarkable. This includes dealing with all the feelings that go with those happenings. Often it just seems like too much and we need extra help to go through it. Every birthday is another year of experience and wisdom to pass on to those we love.
Being abused and self worth
February 11, 2011
Being abused is not just about physical behavior but also psychological, subtle, confusing behavior. It’s purpose is to destroy the person who is being abused self-worth and it usuallly works. It is a serious problem in all societies and has been addressed more in this country in the last 10 years. The person being abused does not have the information she/he needs and therefore goes along with the “program” of the abuser’s. That is continual put downs, insults, anger attacks, blaming to just name a few. All the while the abuser is saying he/she loves the spouse, partner, child, or something to that effect. This makes it very difficult for the person being abused to see the reality of his/her situation and puts them in denial. They really believe what the abuser says unless they have the self worth to see through it and stand up for themselves. They can be having a great day and the abuser says or does something which knocks the wind out of the other.
They can stand up for themselves if they still have enough self esteem but it really won’t change anything and can just cause a fight and they will end up “wrong” as usual. Also, standing up for themseves all the time is very tiring and throws a person off what they were doing. It is a dangerous way to live unless tje ab are getting help from a knowledgeable counselor or coach who really knows the sublties of this serious problem. It can cause addictions, suidcide, illness, tendency to fall and just feeling hurt and unloved most of the time. Depression, insomnia, and anxiety are three hallmarks of this situation and need to be treated as soon as possible. The elderly and people with physical issues are the most vulnerable. Other who know about this may be able to help a friend by noticing this behavior and being a friend. Usually the victim is isolated from friends as a result of the abuser. Learn what a healthy relationship is and what true love is all about. I speak of this in my book Dilemma of Love which is a timeless book and was written out of love and to help people.
Visiting family near holidays
December 1, 2010
Visiting family near holidays can be quite an experience! Depending on how healed you are in your codependency is the quality of visit you will have. You cannot control other people so it is best to just visit knowing the family will be the way they are at this given time and you can choose to enjoy them or find fault with them. It really is that simple. Even if you are dealing with active addicts and alcoholics you still have a choice on how you respond (rather than “react”) to each person at any moment. Your main job will be to take care of yourself, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It also is your job to let others care for themselves unless you are asked to hellp out or there is an obvious situation that needs attending. I am going on a trip to visit my children and grandchildren and various others. So it my husband. What I need to remember is I cannot control my husband in how he deals with the family. Hopefully he will follow his alanon program and let them all “be” but I am not in charge of that. I am going with a positive attitude and loving heart. May the family have like feelings towards us as we visit. I am praying to be guided and cared for. There will probably be some physical pain to deal with all people involved. May I act appropriately.
Choose the way you want to think
November 10, 2010
You can choose the way you want to think, your attitude, your belief systems; in other words, you have control over how your life goes by your initial thinking and your reactions to what life offers. You will not need defensive behavior and reactionary anger. You can choose to see what happens and what people say in a realistic manner instead of a distorted one. Check out my articles to get more information. Prayer is a good way to start the day, with gratitude, even if you dont FEEL it. “Act as if” is a good reminder and soon you will be believing. This will help you with codependency, addictions, insomnia, abuse, and resentment/grief. It will help with depression and elder care, toxic relationships, and aiming towards healthy ones. Love is the bottom line but needs to be practiced and open your heart for physical health as well as emotional well-being. Never leave out possibility of counseling and coaching for lasting mental health.
toxic relationships vs healthy relationships
October 5, 2010
Toxic relationships vs healthy relationships has been a lifelong issue. In a toxic relationship there may been alcoholism, drug addiction, intense anger and resentment, and abuse. To protect yourself from such a relationship you really need to distance yourself from the person and pray for them as well as yourself. To engage in such a relationship can cause insomnia, physical pain, illness, and a host of negativity. Healthy relationships are loving and smooth and flowing. Focus on those in your life and turn away from the toxic ones. Get therapy or coaching to help you through this patch of pain.
Home is so important for some people
September 25, 2010
Home in so important to me and I have taken good care of the home I fell in love with in Tucson. I have made it exactly the way I want it and after looking at 50 homes to downsize, I have found a way to stay in my home. I wanted to do the “right” thing and agonized about it in the middle of the night for weeks (insomnia)(restless sleep). I had terrible anxierty in the night. It is so wonderful to have made this decision and to be able to sleep again and be at peace. I prayed for the right thing to do and the right person to do the financing with. I have always known God will answer my prayer but sometimes it takes a lot of patience before he does. i was angry at the thought of moving and sad about it, too. I started cleaning out my closet which was filled with letters, cards, photo albums, and everything else you can think of from my parents home and from my kids childhood. Going through so much of that has been really healing and connecting me to my roots again. I had to go through some grieving about my parents being gone. Oh, how I wish they were here! I promised myself that even if I didn’t move, I would sort out and clean out all the closets and drawers and garage. So I am in that process. it is very healing.
Deep permeanting anger needs many sesssions to heal
September 20, 2010
People come to me and want me to fix their anger in 3 months time and we work very hard on it and make some great progress. However, there is an underlying deep and pervasive anger inside the person which takes subtle and deep work over a period of time to transform that. If the person is in denial it makes it very difficult to help them see they have this deep anger. They know their relationships are not right but think it is the other person mostly. I try to gently let them know they are doing themselves in by not dealing with this permeating anger and rage and they can be free if they will but follow some simple instrutions I can give them and we can talk about it as well as do deep process work on it. Counseling and life coaching are ways to do this and I hope you take advantage of it. You can change your attitudes and your life.
Life and death of my aunt and grief and loss
August 28, 2010
My Aunt Pauline was there from the time I can remember. Every summer I would go out to my grandparents in Ohio on the farm and then go to visit her. She lived just a mile away. My 5 cousins were like brothers and sisters to me and we had a great time playing and visiting relatives around the area. I could talk to Aunt Pauline about anything and as I grew older we got into some really deep subjects. It was wonderful to call her after I moved to Tucson and wasn’t visiting Ohio so much. She and I would talk about everything. She had many challenges in life but she met them with dignity and dealt with her anger in a healthy way. When her children were little her home burned down but she came through like a champ and they built a new onw which she’s been in ever since. My grandparents took the whole family in until they got their new home. She was sharp as can be mentally, president of the quilters association, went to Senior luncheons and lived in her own home all her life with her little poodle who adored her. Her daughter came out every day and they would do things together and her oldest son came out every day and then would watch the games with her on Saturdays. Her home had flowers everywhere including inside! She was 99 years old and doing well except her kidneys started failing. Finally her kids took her to the hospital which she hated but had a phone and I could call her and talk. Three days ago I called in the morning, just had a “feeling” I needed to talk to her and see if the new medicine she was trying was working. She sounded bright as can be and was so glad to hear from me. She told me excitedly “they are coming to take me home today” (meaning her son and daughter). So I cried a few tears of joy and was really happy for her since I know how important “home” is. I love my home and do not want to leave it. Then I got a call from another cousin who said she didn’t “make it”. I called Lois who took care of her, her daughter, and she told me the story which I think is quite beautiful. She got home and sat on the sofa with her dog on her lap and Lois having her arm around her. Jerry, her son, was there with her, too. Suddenly she said she didn’t feel well and next thing she was gone. Home to her heavenly home. I wish so much I could be with the whole family at this time but I am in a very intense program for my health for 3 months and cannot leave. So I have been talking to all the “kids” on the phone and I ordered a dozen roses and other flowers to make a beautiful bouquet to put by her head at the visiting hours and funeral. I am thanking God for the special opportunity I got to talk to her that morning and I will always hear her voice in my head of what she said that day. I am grieving here but I am not alone because I have friends to share it with and the phone to talk to my family. It is important that I tell this God inspired story about a wonderful woman who did so much for others and had so much love in her heart. The loss is great but what a great way to die and not have to suffer all kinds of treatments. I am grateful for the many blessings I have like this. I just have to follow my first intuition and act on it if it comes from the heart. Now I cry tears of gratitude for knowing this woman and for her long life with her mind in tact (and her body working pretty well until the end!!).
