Ways in which Anger can be misused #2
May 15, 2011
2) Anger as a motivating form of energy. The experience of anger is so uncomfortable that most people are motivated to express it simply as a way of becoming emotionally calm again. Unfortunately, at times this involves directing it against those who may have had nothing whatsoever to do with the cause. Anger may also be used as part of acquired impatience. As life grows busier and more complicated, there is a tendency to speed up to get everything done. The result is a sort of hurry-sickness. One begins to work faster, talk faster, drive faster, and become steadily more impatient with anyone or anything that gets in his way. Accompanying this type of anger is impatience being generated by the frustration one feels. Some people want the world to hurry up or get out of their way, and it doesn’t. This can make them angry, and they get angry frequently. Counseling and coaching can provide techniques that help one get over this type of anger, thus freeing the person to adopt a pace that is healthier for him and for others. Anger misused can cause physical illness and psychological stress, including anxiety and depression.
It is shocking how damaging the improper use of anger can be
May 5, 2011
I’ve studied anger inside and out so that I could help others (as well as myself) deal with the emotion in an effective and safe way. I can only handle it myself well and teach others to do the same. I cannot change the horrific anger that is wild in the whole world. Each of us needs to be responsible to take care of our own anger. If everyone did that there would be no wars and people could get along. I help through counseling, coaching, and an 8 week tele-workshop. The reason I made such a thorough study of it was because 40 years ago I was at the affect of violent anger from another and I was also in great pain because of all the years of repressed anger I had piled up. Through my own studies and with the help of a very knowledgeable counselor, I unearthed my own anger (repressed means you don’t know it’s there but you have physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual symptoms) and freed myself of pain and of allowing another to throw his anger on me. Therefore, I will be writing a series on anger of all kinds and some suggestions on how to deal with them as I mentioned in an earlier blog. I believe it is the most misunderstood and harmful emotion we have and for full health on all levels it is crucial it is identified and understood. This will make all the difference in your relationships and health, your codpendency will be lessened and the world will be a better place. It is almost impossible to do on your own. You really need someone well versed in anger to help you at whatever level you are.
Ways anger can be misused, #1
April 14, 2011
Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.
Pet Loss and animal people
March 29, 2011
During my grieving for my l6 yr old cat Sabrina who died suddenly March 9, I have discovered the most amazing support system and the most beautiful people. They are on Facebook. I have connected with people who have recently lost pets and some who lost them some time ago but still grieve them. Our back and forth communications have been amazing. The aching in our hearts is so real. The tears of sharing our pain is priceless. There are those who have random anger coming out of nowhere, difficulty functioning, emotional pain that is beyond words, overwhelm, and depression. They are just broken hearted. People, and this all includes me, have anxiety, obsessive thinking, defensiveness, shame they aren’t “through it all sooner”, guilt, and oh, so much love. I have never met a group of people who are so filled with compassion through their tears, so much caring of one another, and it boils down to loss of a pet that gave (and was given) unconditional love. There is no abuse here. There is no judgment. I am so grateful for the connections I have made and know I will make more as this process continues. If I can help anyone move through this with more ease and less pain I am available and willing to coach or counsel. I have a wonderful coach who has been a godsend to me. When I feel I just can’t take the “feelings” anymore and I just don’t want to “be”, I just want to disappear, I have this help to see me through. And I just ask God to help me and help them.
Grief for Sabrina continues/no short cuts here
March 19, 2011
I had a reprieve yesterday and felt “normal” and thought maybe the grief process was over and I could tell you this. However, I remember hearing “it comes in waves” now and that must be what is happening because today I woke up at 4am and couldn’t sleep and felt horrible. All I wanted was my cat back. Now I know that is irrational thinking but that is what is going on with this process. I thought I had made peace with it all at the Memorial some friends and I had Sunday which was beautiful. Everyone shared their experience with Sabrina and we said prayers all out in the yard where there was a hole for her to be buried in when she got back from being cremated. Two days later we got the ashes and Brad (my husband) and I buried her and said some prayers and some final good-byes and covered her up. She was finally “home” and I felt some peace with that. The vet called and said it was so fast because she must have had something happen in her brain and nothing I did or didn’t do could have changed that. I have never had an animal go fast like that and I still am in shock. My body was reacting like crazy and besides the heartburn, dizziness, stomach problems, I had every classic symptom of a heart attack and my nurse friend and husband wanted me to go to the hospital to be safe. I did not feel that was needed but I went and stayed l2 hr. and they found a lot of elevated tests but then said I was ok. I was so grateful to be home and had even more empathy for Sabrina going through all those tests. I talked to very few people about all this because I did not want “advice” but it is not good to hold it in and I am now talking about it more since the physical symptoms have gone for now and I am just immolbilized and depressed except for writing this to you. The anxiety and heart break that I feel is torture. Today I visited her grave and put a stone cat on it as a marker and talked to her. I know she is in the energy, not the hole, but I understand now why graves are so important and offer such comfort. I am leaning a lot in this experience and praying for guidance for the next step. I was embarrassed that I am taking so long to go through this grief but have even more respect for the process than ever. I am so grateful to have had l6 years with such a vital, vivacious cat who was unconditional love personified.
Grief and emotional pain with loss of anyone we love so fully
March 12, 2011
March 9 Sabrina, my beloved cat of l6 years. ..still playing and jumping up on the valance of the curtain. ..until the day before. She died and now I am seeing that she decided to die so she wouldn’t have to go through any more tests and pokes. She also did not want me to see her sick. She wants me to remember her in all her glory. That is where I am today and feeling gratitude for having her in my life so long.
I was not here, nor will the emotional pain be gone soon, when she died. I was in shock. I cried a lot at first and then I got very angry and wanted her back and nothing was making sense (even though I did 2 sessions the next day was fine in them) and I wish I had never had her teeth cleaned because she had to take medicine after and if I’d known that I never would have done it. Sabrina did not take medicine well. She fought it. She was her own cat and the alpha cat in a home of 4 cats. I went through 2 days of physical symptoms and was ready to call a doctor and then I remembered they were all part of the process. I was in such emotional pain and anguish I didn’t want to be in my body. There were so many feelings and my left brain just wouldn’t work, like doing anything on Facebook or anything that was analytical. I was praying constantly just to get through the pain. I couldn’t get her out of my mind and kept remembering all her special qualities that I’d never see again. I didn’t want to talk to people much because I didn’t want to hear the platitudes, like “she’s in a better place” which wasn’t true. She loved her home and us and was very happy. God does know what we need because I had a chi gong body session yesterday (and I never have had one two weeks in a row) and received such love and healing that I got some relief. Crying is good and I am not good at crying for myself (I am for others) so I pray to cry and let go of the hurt inside me, especially in my gut. This is where I am at now. The reason I have such a love for cats is that mly Father gave me a cat when I was 6 yr. old and lost my brother who I adored. That bond is unbreakable. I have always had loving cats who all get along with each other all my life. Thank you for listening.
Being abused and self worth
February 11, 2011
Being abused is not just about physical behavior but also psychological, subtle, confusing behavior. It’s purpose is to destroy the person who is being abused self-worth and it usuallly works. It is a serious problem in all societies and has been addressed more in this country in the last 10 years. The person being abused does not have the information she/he needs and therefore goes along with the “program” of the abuser’s. That is continual put downs, insults, anger attacks, blaming to just name a few. All the while the abuser is saying he/she loves the spouse, partner, child, or something to that effect. This makes it very difficult for the person being abused to see the reality of his/her situation and puts them in denial. They really believe what the abuser says unless they have the self worth to see through it and stand up for themselves. They can be having a great day and the abuser says or does something which knocks the wind out of the other.
They can stand up for themselves if they still have enough self esteem but it really won’t change anything and can just cause a fight and they will end up “wrong” as usual. Also, standing up for themseves all the time is very tiring and throws a person off what they were doing. It is a dangerous way to live unless tje ab are getting help from a knowledgeable counselor or coach who really knows the sublties of this serious problem. It can cause addictions, suidcide, illness, tendency to fall and just feeling hurt and unloved most of the time. Depression, insomnia, and anxiety are three hallmarks of this situation and need to be treated as soon as possible. The elderly and people with physical issues are the most vulnerable. Other who know about this may be able to help a friend by noticing this behavior and being a friend. Usually the victim is isolated from friends as a result of the abuser. Learn what a healthy relationship is and what true love is all about. I speak of this in my book Dilemma of Love which is a timeless book and was written out of love and to help people.
Healing continues for shootings in Tucson
January 24, 2011
Our city of Tucson needs healing as does the whole country from the devastation of Jan. 8 on “Congress on the Corner” help by Gabrielle Giffords, congresswoman. She was an innocent and enthusiastic young woman who wanted to help people and hear her constituites ideas. She voted for the issues of district 8, not her party’s issues. She is a fair and caring person. How long will we remember this and honor what she was sacrificed for? I hope a long time. As she is in rehab in Houston, we are here with here memorial, acres long, in front of University Medical Center: it is tear jerking, deeply moving, beautiful, and honoring. It is filled with love. People are still milling around in it and crying as they read the letters and notes written to Gabby and the other people. It is a sad and beautiful thing to see. We need to remember so we can do something about what happened so that it does not happen again. People need to be kinder to one another ane more compassionate. There is no reason a gun with that capacity needs to be sold in this country. We are already working on better mental health for adults facilities and employing the law in Arizona that is little known; stating that when you see someone who is mentally unbalanced you can get them committed. Let’s publize the law and use it. It’s tough love at it’s best. Let’s not say we can’t do anything about it. Let’s DO something about it and any other issues you find wrong. Abuse, addiction, anger, rage, hatred, anxiety, depression, need to be replaced with love and hope and action. Sometimes tough action to save the innocent. Prayer, kindess, and action show real love. Parents need to be parents, not friends, to their children and have boundaries and discipline, and consequences for bad behavior. Relationships need to be repaired.
Choose the way you want to think
November 10, 2010
You can choose the way you want to think, your attitude, your belief systems; in other words, you have control over how your life goes by your initial thinking and your reactions to what life offers. You will not need defensive behavior and reactionary anger. You can choose to see what happens and what people say in a realistic manner instead of a distorted one. Check out my articles to get more information. Prayer is a good way to start the day, with gratitude, even if you dont FEEL it. “Act as if” is a good reminder and soon you will be believing. This will help you with codependency, addictions, insomnia, abuse, and resentment/grief. It will help with depression and elder care, toxic relationships, and aiming towards healthy ones. Love is the bottom line but needs to be practiced and open your heart for physical health as well as emotional well-being. Never leave out possibility of counseling and coaching for lasting mental health.
What constitutes anger management?
October 28, 2010
In a 8 week workshop I do there is a lot of process work, teaching, and resolution. People really change. In individual work I do the same thing but differently. I encourage routine use of rational problem decision-making steps with forethought of consequences to strive and improve judgment and diminish impulsitivity. I teach adaptive management of anger, foster mood regulation, foster adaptive skills for dealing with frustration, assess whether there are ongoing symptoms of ADHD and whether psychiatric referral may be appropriate. I process childhood history of physical, emotional abuse and neglect, and determine if it would be helpful to re-process childhood memories. I strive to improve interpersonal skills and verbal assertiveness skills. I help to diminish any inappropriate effort at influencing others including yelling, threatening and discourage any use of destructiveness or physical violence except for self-defense. I proces relationship history and current relationship history, encourage adaptive management of stress, and process symptoms of Depression and Anxiety. I check out for addictions and codependency. I evaluate the person’s underlying character of honesty, lovingness, and basic values to see if I can help this person in the long run.
