Self-esteem and Codependency
November 4, 2011
Self esteem and codependency are linked closely. Lack of self esteem is seen in persons high in codependency. They have trouble making decisions and sticking to a project. They look at all the things they don’t like about themselves and save very little time to thinking about all their assets . This is where a counselor or coach can come in and really help. One can help the codependent to really turn their life around and start seeing all the positives in themselves and their potential. With weekly commitment to goals they can quite quickly start feeling better about themselves. Depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, weight gain or anorexia can be absolished. Anger can be dispelled: distinguishing between old, useless anger and new appropriate anger and what to do with it in a constructive way. They fall prey to addictions and loss of spirituality. Without self esteem a person is not going to get what he/she wants and will continue in a pit of saddness. Get yourself some help if you fit into this blog information!
What is counseling and coaching?
September 27, 2011
Counseling helps individuals and families understand what is going on in their environment and in the individual. It helps them explore their feelings, thoughts, and motives. It has them look at their core beliefs to see if they are working for them in a positive way. It helps them understand and make decisions about boundaries and limits and what is healthy and what is dysfunctional. It looks at dysfunctional behavior and challenges that. A counselor can help people make sense out of what often seems like chaos. It is a confidential experience where trust is built so individuals can confide in the counselor and be honest with him/her about what is really going on in them. It helps people make decisions about their lives. They begin to see they are not victims but have choices, not only in their behavior but in their attitudes. Coaching is about making goals and reaching them. This can be contained in counseling but is not the entire purpose. Counseling can also look at spirituality and religion as a source for help.
7) Anger resulting from giving too much. . .#7
August 11, 2011
7) Anger resulting from giving too much to others and not refueling yourself. Of course, giving and caring people abound. They respond to the needs of others in every part of their lives. But a problem can occur for such people when they have little ability to give to themselves. Deep resentment grows within them and often results in unexpected outbursts that are really the message: “I’m giving so much to everyone else. Why isn’t anyone giving anything back to me?”
I have gone through six previous misuses of anger in these blogs. To gain more insight into a person’s uses of anger, a first step is to identify several recent occasions in which the person became angry for questionable reasons. Then look for a pattern. Are there particular circumstances involved? What occurred immediately before an angry outburst? Who else was involved? Were there any specific feelings present, other than anger? Does the anger seem to arise at any specific time of day? Any consistencies one can find will help narrow the search for an unresolved issue generating anger that is being unfairly directed at others. Once the pattern of anger is clarified, identifying the emotional use (of which I have given 7) can then follow.
All forms of misused anger are destructive to relationships and to the sense of self. Marriage counseling is usually needed for couples, and grief and loss counseling can be helpful if that is an issue. Bereavement counseling may also be helpful if the person has lost someone or something important to her. Life coaching can be helpful to anger management, and of course abuse counseling is crucial for the victims’ of such anger. Misused anger can certainly affect one’s spirituality and one’s relationship to a higher power. It affects the person’s ability to assert oneself in a healthy way in getting one’s needs met. It can bring on addiction, requiring help to sort out the chaos. It is codependent behavior.
Ways Anger can be misused #7
August 4, 2011
7) Anger resulting from giving too much to others and not refueling yourself. Of course, giving and caring people abound. They respond to the needs of others in every part of their lives. But a problem can occur for such people when they have little ability to give to themselves. Deep resentment grows within them and often results in unexpected outbursts that are really the message: “I’m giving so much to everyone else. Why isn’t anyone giving anything back to me?”
I have gone through six previous misuses of anger in these blogs. To gain more insight into a person’s uses of anger, a first step is to identify several recent occasions in which the person became angry for questionable reasons. Then look for a pattern. Are there particular circumstances involved? What occurred immediately before an angry outburst? Who else was involved? Were there any specific feelings present, other than anger? Does the anger seem to arise at any specific time of day? Any consistencies one can find will help narrow the search for an unresolved issue generating anger that is being unfairly directed at others. Once the pattern of anger is clarified, identifying the emotional use (of which I have given 7) can then follow.
All forms of misused anger are destructive to relationships and to the sense of self. Marriage counseling is usually needed for couples, and grief and loss counseling can be helpful if that is an issue. Bereavement counseling may also be helpful if the person has lost someone or something important to her. Live coaching can be helpful to anger management, and of course abuse counseling is crucial for the victims’ of such anger. Misused anger can certainly affect one’s spirituality and one’s relationship to a higher power. It affects the person’s ability to assert oneself in a healthy way in getting one’s needs met. It can bring on addiction, requiring help to sort out the chaos. It is codependent behavior.
Ways Anger can be misused #7
July 2, 2011
6) Anger used to create emotional distance. Although reasonably common, this misuse of anger is sometimes difficult to spot. Its origin lies in the vulnerability that the insecure person(s) feels when getting too close to others. To reduce the implicit threat, one picks a fight. This conflict creates more interpersonal distance and consequently creates less vulnerability. The telling pattern is the consistent occurrence of petty arguments shortly after moments of intimacy.
Anger is a normal part of bereavement, but its misuse causes anxiety, sleeplessness, loss of desire for food, compulsive eating, smoking, alcohol consumption, depression and many more negative reactions. Marriage counseling is usually needed to deal with this misuse. Hence, addictions can become a big factor in its misuse. One loses ambition and a sense of goals and purpose, There is a feeling of grief and loss, and assertiveness is called for when the victim of this abuse, this codependency, shows the typical signs as outlined above.
Misuse of Anger #5
June 18, 2011
5) Frequent angry outbursts. Observers or the recipients of this type of anger are often the first to see and understand the pattern. This misuse of anger is unfortunately very easy, but the fact is that everyone loses when this kind of response contaminates a relationship. This is codependency at its highest! It can destroy relationships, marriages, friendships, parent/child relationships, and every other kind of relationship. We feel less in control and often feel guilty following displays of irrational anger. Those on the receiving end learn to become defensive, avoid or even counterattack when they are constantly used as scapegoats (victims). This usually results in strained relationships that lack fulfillment.
Anger expressed to reduce internal tension is a sign of codependency and dis-ease. In the workplace, tension and frustration arising out of the pressures of a hectic day are often suppressed. However, once one is out of the workplace, that same tension may be quickly transformed into anger and expressed at opportunistic targets. After several outbursts, calm returns as tension is reduced. But the cost to relationships is high. This misuse of anger causes anxiety, depression, low self esteem, grief and guilt (often unrecognized).
Grief and loss counseling, abuse counseling, assertiveness training, life coaching to set goals for more constructive living, bereavement counseling, and personal counseling may be called for. Misused anger can cause physical illness and psychological stress.
A few words about grief and loss
June 11, 2011
Soon I will write about my own 2 l/2 mon experience of grief and loss recently. Before though I would like to tell you some things about grief that may help you if you are in the process. There are 7 stages of grief: shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, hope. They don’t come in order so you can jump back and forth in them or have a couple at the same time. It’s more than grief. It’s a broken heart. Trust it enough to experience the emotion fully, to cry all day, all month as much as you need to. Remember you have begun a very rich spiritual and emotional jouney that will lead to something–even though it’s an ending. It can be a rebirth. Do not be around any “friends” who criticize you or give you advice. Be with people who believe in you and know you will get through it and are there for you. It’s not a waste of time to indulge in emotion. It’s absolutely essential to getting the next insight you need on your spiritual path. Trust you will get through this and get as much support as you can. If you don’t grieve fully, it will come back to bite you in symptoms so let yourself really go! Good luck and love.
Anger #4 Motivational technique
June 4, 2011
4) Anger as a motivational technique. This use of anger is favored principally by those who believe that the only real motive is fear. Typically, fear is produced through outbursts of anger. (Often the listeners are accompanied by threats of dire consequences.) A by product of this style is that of establishing an adversarial relationship with subordinates. Resentment naturally accompanies compliance with the demands made. Respect generated by fear is not really true respect. Bullying is an example of this type of anger. Bullying is used to get one’s way at the expense of other people. Marriage counseling can be helpful with couples in which bullying is part of the relationship, or parent/child coaching can also be helpful. The victim of this kind of anger is riddled with anxiety, depression, stress, and low self esteem. Codependency is rampant. Using anger to get one to take action can cause physical illness and has serious consequences for the victim, which brings on anxiety that causes sleeplessness.
Ways anger can be misused #3
May 29, 2011
3) Psychological displacement of anger. Anger serves many psychological purposes. Linking anger only to personal conflict is easy but deceptive. In reality people use expressed anger inappropriately to meet a variety of questionable emotional needs. This bad habit is also known as the “kick-the-dog” problem. One can become angry in situations in which it would be difficult, inappropriate, or impossible to express anger directly, (i.e. to one’s boss). Because of possible negative consequences, anger may be suppressed until a safe target becomes available. Easy targets can be subordinates on the job, other drivers on the road, a spouse, children, a pet, or strangers who bring on frustrations in minor ways. These innocents receive the brunt of pent up anger because they are there and vulnerable. In these cases, anger management counseling can be helpful overcoming this tendency. This misuse of anger is a definite sign of codependency and can signal anxiety and depression. It is abusive to those around the person who uses this type of anger, and he will find himself without friends and associates if he continues this behavior. It is hard on a marriage and marriage counseling may be called for. It is one of the stages of grief/bereavement.
Ways in which Anger can be misused #2
May 15, 2011
2) Anger as a motivating form of energy. The experience of anger is so uncomfortable that most people are motivated to express it simply as a way of becoming emotionally calm again. Unfortunately, at times this involves directing it against those who may have had nothing whatsoever to do with the cause. Anger may also be used as part of acquired impatience. As life grows busier and more complicated, there is a tendency to speed up to get everything done. The result is a sort of hurry-sickness. One begins to work faster, talk faster, drive faster, and become steadily more impatient with anyone or anything that gets in his way. Accompanying this type of anger is impatience being generated by the frustration one feels. Some people want the world to hurry up or get out of their way, and it doesn’t. This can make them angry, and they get angry frequently. Counseling and coaching can provide techniques that help one get over this type of anger, thus freeing the person to adopt a pace that is healthier for him and for others. Anger misused can cause physical illness and psychological stress, including anxiety and depression.
