7) Anger resulting from giving too much. . .#7
August 11, 2011
7) Anger resulting from giving too much to others and not refueling yourself. Of course, giving and caring people abound. They respond to the needs of others in every part of their lives. But a problem can occur for such people when they have little ability to give to themselves. Deep resentment grows within them and often results in unexpected outbursts that are really the message: “I’m giving so much to everyone else. Why isn’t anyone giving anything back to me?”
I have gone through six previous misuses of anger in these blogs. To gain more insight into a person’s uses of anger, a first step is to identify several recent occasions in which the person became angry for questionable reasons. Then look for a pattern. Are there particular circumstances involved? What occurred immediately before an angry outburst? Who else was involved? Were there any specific feelings present, other than anger? Does the anger seem to arise at any specific time of day? Any consistencies one can find will help narrow the search for an unresolved issue generating anger that is being unfairly directed at others. Once the pattern of anger is clarified, identifying the emotional use (of which I have given 7) can then follow.
All forms of misused anger are destructive to relationships and to the sense of self. Marriage counseling is usually needed for couples, and grief and loss counseling can be helpful if that is an issue. Bereavement counseling may also be helpful if the person has lost someone or something important to her. Life coaching can be helpful to anger management, and of course abuse counseling is crucial for the victims’ of such anger. Misused anger can certainly affect one’s spirituality and one’s relationship to a higher power. It affects the person’s ability to assert oneself in a healthy way in getting one’s needs met. It can bring on addiction, requiring help to sort out the chaos. It is codependent behavior.
Ways Anger can be misused #7
July 2, 2011
6) Anger used to create emotional distance. Although reasonably common, this misuse of anger is sometimes difficult to spot. Its origin lies in the vulnerability that the insecure person(s) feels when getting too close to others. To reduce the implicit threat, one picks a fight. This conflict creates more interpersonal distance and consequently creates less vulnerability. The telling pattern is the consistent occurrence of petty arguments shortly after moments of intimacy.
Anger is a normal part of bereavement, but its misuse causes anxiety, sleeplessness, loss of desire for food, compulsive eating, smoking, alcohol consumption, depression and many more negative reactions. Marriage counseling is usually needed to deal with this misuse. Hence, addictions can become a big factor in its misuse. One loses ambition and a sense of goals and purpose, There is a feeling of grief and loss, and assertiveness is called for when the victim of this abuse, this codependency, shows the typical signs as outlined above.
Ways anger can be misused, #1
April 14, 2011
Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.
Anger “running you”
March 27, 2011
When explaining to a client yesterday about being free of anger “running you”, I thought this would make an interesting blog. I’ve done a series on anger which you can find by pressing “next” over and over on my website. However, I never said it quite this way which might be helpful to some of you. When you react off of other people with anger you are in your codependency; it may seem like you are winning but you really are losing. If another person’s behavior is something you don’t like and you have a feeling of anger, think first and then ACT out of your own being by saying what you need and what you do not like. If they don’t listen to you and respond then you are dealing with someone who does not care about your feelings and there is no need to continue the conversation. If you stay angry and argue or try to convince the person you are right you are losing yourself. Holding onto anger is bad for your body and health. If you use that anger to motivate you to do something, it is not coming out of your center but is reactionary to others. It can cause you to do behaviors that will have negative consequences. .Holding onto anger can lead to addictions and abuseive relationships. Depression is anger turned inward. Being angry at yourself is futile. Anger repressed or overt can cause fatigue, insomnia, and pain. Anger held onto will kill love. Experiment with this and see how it feels and what the different results are from different behaviors of yours. You will learn a lot about yourself and free yourself from the control of others.
Being abused and self worth
February 11, 2011
Being abused is not just about physical behavior but also psychological, subtle, confusing behavior. It’s purpose is to destroy the person who is being abused self-worth and it usuallly works. It is a serious problem in all societies and has been addressed more in this country in the last 10 years. The person being abused does not have the information she/he needs and therefore goes along with the “program” of the abuser’s. That is continual put downs, insults, anger attacks, blaming to just name a few. All the while the abuser is saying he/she loves the spouse, partner, child, or something to that effect. This makes it very difficult for the person being abused to see the reality of his/her situation and puts them in denial. They really believe what the abuser says unless they have the self worth to see through it and stand up for themselves. They can be having a great day and the abuser says or does something which knocks the wind out of the other.
They can stand up for themselves if they still have enough self esteem but it really won’t change anything and can just cause a fight and they will end up “wrong” as usual. Also, standing up for themseves all the time is very tiring and throws a person off what they were doing. It is a dangerous way to live unless tje ab are getting help from a knowledgeable counselor or coach who really knows the sublties of this serious problem. It can cause addictions, suidcide, illness, tendency to fall and just feeling hurt and unloved most of the time. Depression, insomnia, and anxiety are three hallmarks of this situation and need to be treated as soon as possible. The elderly and people with physical issues are the most vulnerable. Other who know about this may be able to help a friend by noticing this behavior and being a friend. Usually the victim is isolated from friends as a result of the abuser. Learn what a healthy relationship is and what true love is all about. I speak of this in my book Dilemma of Love which is a timeless book and was written out of love and to help people.
Self-esteem, self worth, and assertiveness
February 4, 2011
A positive self-image is critical to living in this world. Our self-image is dependent on self-esteem, self worth, and the resultant assertiveness. It is the key that opens the doors which can be chosen by asking your higher self which doors are the right ones to open. We always pass on our self-image to our children for they know who we really are. I did a lot of praying for the courage to challenge my old tendency to discount myself. I had a lot of counseling and coaching to help me do that. I prayed that all my strong points would be very clear to me, each day. I had to learn to love myself by letting others love me and support me. That means I had to open up and ask for help and be honest. Today I have nothing to hide and am grateful for my ability to be assertive in a straight and honest way without being pushy or aggresive. I am amazed at how strong I am when I am up against something challenging and sometimes have no direct support except my highter power who I chose to call God. I will write more on this subject because I feel it is so important. You will hear from me in a few days to continue this topic. I am generally not codependent which I have worked on for many years and it has saved my life.
Tragedy the country should remember. ..shootings in Tucson
January 20, 2011
So quickly people forget and they should not forget the shootings in Tucson of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and many other people including the death of a fantastic little girl. Congress on the Corner was a unique happening and one of my clients almost went. It was a shock to us here and the saddest thing that has happened since 9/ll. The little girl who was shot was born on 9/ll. The political climate in the country has been one of intense anger, rage, abuse and the lowest of human behavior. This was not necessarily a political act by this deranged man but the general hateful climate set the stage. Perhaps this has shocked some people into feeling. And with feeling a knowing that name calling and making fun of people is abusive. Perhaps some healing will come out of this and the nation will be more cooperative and unified. It brought the whole city to prayer and caring. Love is what is the basis of life, not hatred. People can disagree with respect.
Happy 1-1-11
January 1, 2011
I am so delighted with the coming in of the new year. ..1-1-11. ..that I just had to write about it today. I am doing a lot of internal and external cleansing and changing this year. I feel very motivated and excited about it. I want to go deeper into my spiritual realm and prayer and meditation. I want to be more in touch and believing of my intuitive being and stand up for myself in that. I am determined to stay in a healthy family system and create love and happiness wherever possible. I refuse to be in any defensive behavior or argumentive style of living. There will be no abuse in my life; I will not tolerate it. Any anger will be “up and out” in seconds and no holding resentments. I will grieve as long as I need to for losses and not let anyone push me to speed up. No addictions are permitted in my life as they have not been for a long time. Love and laughter are top priorities for me
Visiting family near holidays
December 1, 2010
Visiting family near holidays can be quite an experience! Depending on how healed you are in your codependency is the quality of visit you will have. You cannot control other people so it is best to just visit knowing the family will be the way they are at this given time and you can choose to enjoy them or find fault with them. It really is that simple. Even if you are dealing with active addicts and alcoholics you still have a choice on how you respond (rather than “react”) to each person at any moment. Your main job will be to take care of yourself, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It also is your job to let others care for themselves unless you are asked to hellp out or there is an obvious situation that needs attending. I am going on a trip to visit my children and grandchildren and various others. So it my husband. What I need to remember is I cannot control my husband in how he deals with the family. Hopefully he will follow his alanon program and let them all “be” but I am not in charge of that. I am going with a positive attitude and loving heart. May the family have like feelings towards us as we visit. I am praying to be guided and cared for. There will probably be some physical pain to deal with all people involved. May I act appropriately.
Thanksgiving and gratitude
November 25, 2010
I want to share how many things I have to be grateful for this year. And I want to remind you that no matter what is going on in your life, you can find something to be grateful for. Start with you woke up and can feel the new day. If you are lucky enough to see it, then that is a plus. If you have love it your life, even if it is an animal or other living thing, then you are lucky. If we want to we can always find things to be grateful for, every day. I love Thanksgiving because gratitude is the focus of the day. If we are not grateful, then self-pity and complaining are the topics of the day and we will not have a chance at being happy. I am grateful to be born in the most prosperous and remarkable nation in the history of man, and during a most prosperous era. The same man has loved me for 35 years and is more loving than even now as we did our marriage vows with a wonderful pastor from a church we find “home”. God makes sense to us and we live our spirituality, not just talk it. We can pray and make a difference as well as take action to make things as good as we can in this country and in daily life as we go about our business. I have a meaningful job where I can really help people change their lives and become their full potential. I can feel my feelings and not try to escape them in any way so life if rich and meaningful. I come from a loving family with good values, morals, integrity and kindness. I have beautiful children and grandchildren who are healthy and good people. God has been good to me all my life no matter what troubles I have been through and there have been many. I live in awe and wonder at the love and beauty that surrounds me. There is no abuse in my life and my feelings are balanced and good. I have healed my codependency and addictions and will be forever greatful one day at a time. I have a multitude of wonderful friends and neighbors. Thank you, all of you that are reading this.
