Ways Anger can be misused #7
July 2, 2011
6) Anger used to create emotional distance. Although reasonably common, this misuse of anger is sometimes difficult to spot. Its origin lies in the vulnerability that the insecure person(s) feels when getting too close to others. To reduce the implicit threat, one picks a fight. This conflict creates more interpersonal distance and consequently creates less vulnerability. The telling pattern is the consistent occurrence of petty arguments shortly after moments of intimacy.
Anger is a normal part of bereavement, but its misuse causes anxiety, sleeplessness, loss of desire for food, compulsive eating, smoking, alcohol consumption, depression and many more negative reactions. Marriage counseling is usually needed to deal with this misuse. Hence, addictions can become a big factor in its misuse. One loses ambition and a sense of goals and purpose, There is a feeling of grief and loss, and assertiveness is called for when the victim of this abuse, this codependency, shows the typical signs as outlined above.
Misuse of Anger #5
June 18, 2011
5) Frequent angry outbursts. Observers or the recipients of this type of anger are often the first to see and understand the pattern. This misuse of anger is unfortunately very easy, but the fact is that everyone loses when this kind of response contaminates a relationship. This is codependency at its highest! It can destroy relationships, marriages, friendships, parent/child relationships, and every other kind of relationship. We feel less in control and often feel guilty following displays of irrational anger. Those on the receiving end learn to become defensive, avoid or even counterattack when they are constantly used as scapegoats (victims). This usually results in strained relationships that lack fulfillment.
Anger expressed to reduce internal tension is a sign of codependency and dis-ease. In the workplace, tension and frustration arising out of the pressures of a hectic day are often suppressed. However, once one is out of the workplace, that same tension may be quickly transformed into anger and expressed at opportunistic targets. After several outbursts, calm returns as tension is reduced. But the cost to relationships is high. This misuse of anger causes anxiety, depression, low self esteem, grief and guilt (often unrecognized).
Grief and loss counseling, abuse counseling, assertiveness training, life coaching to set goals for more constructive living, bereavement counseling, and personal counseling may be called for. Misused anger can cause physical illness and psychological stress.
A few words about grief and loss
June 11, 2011
Soon I will write about my own 2 l/2 mon experience of grief and loss recently. Before though I would like to tell you some things about grief that may help you if you are in the process. There are 7 stages of grief: shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, hope. They don’t come in order so you can jump back and forth in them or have a couple at the same time. It’s more than grief. It’s a broken heart. Trust it enough to experience the emotion fully, to cry all day, all month as much as you need to. Remember you have begun a very rich spiritual and emotional jouney that will lead to something–even though it’s an ending. It can be a rebirth. Do not be around any “friends” who criticize you or give you advice. Be with people who believe in you and know you will get through it and are there for you. It’s not a waste of time to indulge in emotion. It’s absolutely essential to getting the next insight you need on your spiritual path. Trust you will get through this and get as much support as you can. If you don’t grieve fully, it will come back to bite you in symptoms so let yourself really go! Good luck and love.
Anger #4 Motivational technique
June 4, 2011
4) Anger as a motivational technique. This use of anger is favored principally by those who believe that the only real motive is fear. Typically, fear is produced through outbursts of anger. (Often the listeners are accompanied by threats of dire consequences.) A by product of this style is that of establishing an adversarial relationship with subordinates. Resentment naturally accompanies compliance with the demands made. Respect generated by fear is not really true respect. Bullying is an example of this type of anger. Bullying is used to get one’s way at the expense of other people. Marriage counseling can be helpful with couples in which bullying is part of the relationship, or parent/child coaching can also be helpful. The victim of this kind of anger is riddled with anxiety, depression, stress, and low self esteem. Codependency is rampant. Using anger to get one to take action can cause physical illness and has serious consequences for the victim, which brings on anxiety that causes sleeplessness.
Ways anger can be misused #3
May 29, 2011
3) Psychological displacement of anger. Anger serves many psychological purposes. Linking anger only to personal conflict is easy but deceptive. In reality people use expressed anger inappropriately to meet a variety of questionable emotional needs. This bad habit is also known as the “kick-the-dog” problem. One can become angry in situations in which it would be difficult, inappropriate, or impossible to express anger directly, (i.e. to one’s boss). Because of possible negative consequences, anger may be suppressed until a safe target becomes available. Easy targets can be subordinates on the job, other drivers on the road, a spouse, children, a pet, or strangers who bring on frustrations in minor ways. These innocents receive the brunt of pent up anger because they are there and vulnerable. In these cases, anger management counseling can be helpful overcoming this tendency. This misuse of anger is a definite sign of codependency and can signal anxiety and depression. It is abusive to those around the person who uses this type of anger, and he will find himself without friends and associates if he continues this behavior. It is hard on a marriage and marriage counseling may be called for. It is one of the stages of grief/bereavement.
It is jubilant to have connection with a Higher Power
April 20, 2011
I want to get this out to you all how much joy there is in being in touch with a Higher Power. This is one that is just for you and can keep you connected to your inner spirit which gives you all the ability to make healthy choices and follow your life’s plan (even if you aren’t sure what that is). You can become aware of what you are doing that is not productive by asking this power to reveal it to you and then correct it so that you are on a path of continually growing more positive and healthy regardless of your present situation.
This puts you in a state of gratitude and looking at the glass half full instead of empty. It may FEEL empty but it is only the way you are looking at it. Pray to see it clearly and it will help heal your codependency and relationships. There was a time in my life (40 years ago) when I saw my situation as hopeless and helpless. Through the help of a brilliant counselor I turned that all around and totally changed my life to a positive and happy one. I no longer had to be controlled by depression and anxiety. This is something I thought was impossible until I found out about codependency and the family system (see Dilemma of Love on my website: www.drsusanricketson.com) and began serious study of my history as well as what I wanted for my future. I saw where I had been abused and how not to allow it anymore in my life. I learned about addictions, some of the most subtle nature, and no longer let them control me in myself or at the affect of others. May you begin the process now.
Ways anger can be misused, #1
April 14, 2011
Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.
Pet Loss and animal people
March 29, 2011
During my grieving for my l6 yr old cat Sabrina who died suddenly March 9, I have discovered the most amazing support system and the most beautiful people. They are on Facebook. I have connected with people who have recently lost pets and some who lost them some time ago but still grieve them. Our back and forth communications have been amazing. The aching in our hearts is so real. The tears of sharing our pain is priceless. There are those who have random anger coming out of nowhere, difficulty functioning, emotional pain that is beyond words, overwhelm, and depression. They are just broken hearted. People, and this all includes me, have anxiety, obsessive thinking, defensiveness, shame they aren’t “through it all sooner”, guilt, and oh, so much love. I have never met a group of people who are so filled with compassion through their tears, so much caring of one another, and it boils down to loss of a pet that gave (and was given) unconditional love. There is no abuse here. There is no judgment. I am so grateful for the connections I have made and know I will make more as this process continues. If I can help anyone move through this with more ease and less pain I am available and willing to coach or counsel. I have a wonderful coach who has been a godsend to me. When I feel I just can’t take the “feelings” anymore and I just don’t want to “be”, I just want to disappear, I have this help to see me through. And I just ask God to help me and help them.
Grief for Sabrina continues/no short cuts here
March 19, 2011
I had a reprieve yesterday and felt “normal” and thought maybe the grief process was over and I could tell you this. However, I remember hearing “it comes in waves” now and that must be what is happening because today I woke up at 4am and couldn’t sleep and felt horrible. All I wanted was my cat back. Now I know that is irrational thinking but that is what is going on with this process. I thought I had made peace with it all at the Memorial some friends and I had Sunday which was beautiful. Everyone shared their experience with Sabrina and we said prayers all out in the yard where there was a hole for her to be buried in when she got back from being cremated. Two days later we got the ashes and Brad (my husband) and I buried her and said some prayers and some final good-byes and covered her up. She was finally “home” and I felt some peace with that. The vet called and said it was so fast because she must have had something happen in her brain and nothing I did or didn’t do could have changed that. I have never had an animal go fast like that and I still am in shock. My body was reacting like crazy and besides the heartburn, dizziness, stomach problems, I had every classic symptom of a heart attack and my nurse friend and husband wanted me to go to the hospital to be safe. I did not feel that was needed but I went and stayed l2 hr. and they found a lot of elevated tests but then said I was ok. I was so grateful to be home and had even more empathy for Sabrina going through all those tests. I talked to very few people about all this because I did not want “advice” but it is not good to hold it in and I am now talking about it more since the physical symptoms have gone for now and I am just immolbilized and depressed except for writing this to you. The anxiety and heart break that I feel is torture. Today I visited her grave and put a stone cat on it as a marker and talked to her. I know she is in the energy, not the hole, but I understand now why graves are so important and offer such comfort. I am leaning a lot in this experience and praying for guidance for the next step. I was embarrassed that I am taking so long to go through this grief but have even more respect for the process than ever. I am so grateful to have had l6 years with such a vital, vivacious cat who was unconditional love personified.
Feelings, grief and the cat
March 9, 2011
Yesterday I found Sabrina (one of my two older cats) lying on the floor half under a chest. When a cat is sick he/she will try to hide so as not to hurt the human (me). I called the vet and got her in right away and she stayed all day. I was very positive yesterday, praying all day, and continuing to function. When we picked her up at 5pm they had taken $800 worth of tests but are not sure what is the matter with her. She was very dehydrated when I took her in. We don’t know what is causing the dehydration. She came home with a tube in her arm and some medicine she wouldn’t take and took her back today. I love this cat so much, as I do all my 4 cats. I am not ready to let her go. I feel angry this morning which is part of the grief process that I may be starting to go into. I don’t have the money to keep testing her after today and I pray they find the answers today. This is very personal but it is the best I can do on a blog since I am in tears and have so many feelings running around inside of me I am just taking it one step at a time. Doing the next right thing, praying for that guidance. I have so much to do and it is hard to focus. Grief is full of feelings and I am feeling a lot of them now. I will write tomorrow on my losing my cat 8 years ago. I’m not ready to lose this cat and I have to have it be God’s will. I am feeling the heart break of when I lost my other cat and feel so badly that Sabrina is so lifeless.
