Avoiding Conflict as a Defensive Behavior
by Dr. Susan Ricketson, worldwide holistic coach and counselor.
Conflict is such a tricky word for many people. To some it is an absolute negative and something to be avoided at all costs. To others it is a power play to show who is in charge. To a few it is a healthy way to communicate so that something of importance can be resolved.
See if you are one of the people who avoid conflict as something unpleasant and to maintain the illusion of closeness and intimacy.
1. Have you ever avoided confronting people when they hurt your feelings?
2. Have you ever stopped yourself from getting angry or showing anger so that people do not have to feel badly about their behavior?
3. Do you pass over what someone says or let him or her think you feel the same way, when actually you disagree or feel quite differently?
4. Do you pretend everything is okay when it’s not?
5. Have you ever taken abuse and put-downs and swallowed your feelings instead of standing up for yourself?
6. Do you let something go by instead of asking for clarification—blaming yourself when others are inconsistent? “I must have misunderstood,” you tell yourself.
7. Do you ever ignore your own basic needs for comfort or support, or downplay your accomplishments so that you don’t challenge the priority of someone else’s needs over your own?
8. Did you ever do something for someone because you were afraid that if you didn’t, he or she would go off the deep end or wouldn’t like you anymore?
9. Have you ever felt guilty because you couldn’t get someone to stop drinking, or because you couldn’t get your spouse or child to be “good”?
10. Have you ever felt guilty for saying what you don’t like about someone’s behavior because that person is so “nice”
Perpetual niceness is a compulsive defensive behavior. It is hard to communicate with someone who maintains such an image. As you learn to trust your intuition, you can tell when someone is using niceness abusively. When they do, you may feel a little off-center or even feel a person has taken advantage of you. Genuine thoughtfulness feels quite different. It has a clear full quality to it, as if someone is unconditionally regarding you, instead of trying to slip by.
Another way in which people avoid conflict is by saying, “I can’t,” when what they really mean is “I won’t” or “I don’t want to.” If there is potential for conflict, it can feel too threatening to say, “I don’t want to”—to take responsibility for refusing to do something. “I can’t” allows you to remain in a victim’s role. If forced out of this role, you would have to confront the reason why a direct refusal is so threatening. You would have to take the risk to put your needs out front and to set a limit, which might mean to you that you are “bad” and the other person wouldn’t love you anymore.
Take a look at these questions and this information and see if it helps you understand that as you grow as a person you will become more comfortable with healthy disagreements and not see “conflict” as negative anymore. You can change with practice by becoming aware of what you are doing and choosing to behave in a more self caring way and still treat the other person with kindness.
Dilemma of Love
