8 Misuses of Anger: Anger Management
by Dr. Susan Ricketson holistic life coach and counselor world wide
Anger is a complicated emotion. It is in your best interest to understand it in yourself so you can be free of its grip and it’s turning into resentment. Emotions are the result of thinking. As you free yourself from codependency and addictions, including alcoholism, you will not get angry as much and when you do it is clear and crisp, you can quickly think it through and choose whether to act on it or not, and let it go.
Anger is easily formed out of other emotions. For example, fear and anxiety can change quickly into anger and express themselves as such. Sometimes these transformations have become so habitual that you lose awareness of the original emotion from which the anger has been derived.
Although at times we are aware of the emotional issues that generate anger, at least as often there is little or no insight. Observers or the recipients of angry outbursts are frequently the first to see and understand the pattern.
To misuse anger in unfortunately very easy, but the fact is that everyone loses when this kind of reaction contaminates a relationship; we are less in control and often feel guilty following displays of irrational anger. This is very damaging in marriages and is one of the main causes of breakup. Those on the receiving end learn to become defensive, avoid or even counterattack when they are constantly used as scapegoats. This results in strained relationships that are not particularly fulfilling.
Here are the 9 ways you can study to see if you are doing them and then get help if you can’t get a handle on them on your own (which would be pretty hard).
1. Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure, has low self esteem, an enlarged ego, and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstances. A frequently encountered problem in children, in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim” which over time reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general.
2. Anger as part of Acquired impatience: As life grows busier and more complicated, there is a tendency to speed up to get everything done. The result is a sort of hurry-sickness. You begin to work faster, talk faster, drive fast and you become steadily more impatient with anyone or anything that gets in your way. Accompanying your impatience is anger constantly being generated by the frustration you feel. You want the world to hurry up or get out of your way, and it doesn’t. That makes you made and you get mad a lot.
3. Displacement of anger. This bad habit is also known as the “kick-the-cat” problem. You become angry in a situation in which is would be difficult, inappropriate or impossible to express anger directly (i.e. to a boss). Because of possible negative consequences, anger is suppressed until a safe target becomes available. Easy targets may be subordinates on the job, other drivers, a spouse, children, a pet or strangers who frustrate you in minor ways. These innocents receive the brunt of pent-up anger because they’re there and vulnerable.
4. Anger as a motivational technique. This use of anger is favored principally by those who believe that the only real motive is fear. Typically, fear is produced through outbursts of anger, often public, accompanied by threats of dire consequences. A by-product of this style is that an adversarial relationship is always established with subordinated. Resentment naturally accompanied compliance with demands made. Respect generated by fear is not true respect at all.
5. Anger expressed to reduce internal tension. This is by far the most common emotional misuse of anger. Tension and frustration arising out of the pressures of a hectic day are suppressed while you are busy. Often a work hat or role helps keep emotions under control. However, once you are out of the workplace, or out of the situations that you felt frustrated in, that same tension is quickly transformed into anger and expressed at any opportune target. After several outbursts, calm returns as tension is reduced. The cost to relationships is high.
6. Sarcasm is a socially accepted way to misuse anger. It means actually “tearing of the flesh” and is mean spirited under the guise of humor. It is very hurtful to the person it is directed to but there is little they can say since it is so widely accepted. Someone sophisticated in the art of communication would know to say “that is sarcastic and unacceptable to me”. Not too many people realize they have that right to stand up for themselves with something as common as sarcasm.
7. Anger used to create emotional distance. Although fairly common, this misuse of anger is sometimes difficult to spot. Its’ origin lies in the vulnerability that the insecure feel when they get too close to others: especially a significant other. To reduce the implicit threat, one picks a fight. This conflict creates more interpersonal distance and consequently less vulnerability. The telling pattern is the consistent occurrence of petty arguments shortly after moments of intimacy.
8. Anger resulting from giving too much to others. Of course there are many giving people around. They respond to the needs of others in every part of their lives. But a problem occurs for such people when they have little ability to give to themselves. Deep resentment grows within and often results in unexpected outbursts that are really a message: “I’m giving so much to everyone else. Why isn’t anyone giving anything back to me?
Contact a mental health specialist and someone adept at anger management to help you if you see any of this in yourself.
Dilemma of Love
