Pet Loss and animal people
March 29, 2011
During my grieving for my l6 yr old cat Sabrina who died suddenly March 9, I have discovered the most amazing support system and the most beautiful people. They are on Facebook. I have connected with people who have recently lost pets and some who lost them some time ago but still grieve them. Our back and forth communications have been amazing. The aching in our hearts is so real. The tears of sharing our pain is priceless. There are those who have random anger coming out of nowhere, difficulty functioning, emotional pain that is beyond words, overwhelm, and depression. They are just broken hearted. People, and this all includes me, have anxiety, obsessive thinking, defensiveness, shame they aren’t “through it all sooner”, guilt, and oh, so much love. I have never met a group of people who are so filled with compassion through their tears, so much caring of one another, and it boils down to loss of a pet that gave (and was given) unconditional love. There is no abuse here. There is no judgment. I am so grateful for the connections I have made and know I will make more as this process continues. If I can help anyone move through this with more ease and less pain I am available and willing to coach or counsel. I have a wonderful coach who has been a godsend to me. When I feel I just can’t take the “feelings” anymore and I just don’t want to “be”, I just want to disappear, I have this help to see me through. And I just ask God to help me and help them.
Anger “running you”
March 27, 2011
When explaining to a client yesterday about being free of anger “running you”, I thought this would make an interesting blog. I’ve done a series on anger which you can find by pressing “next” over and over on my website. However, I never said it quite this way which might be helpful to some of you. When you react off of other people with anger you are in your codependency; it may seem like you are winning but you really are losing. If another person’s behavior is something you don’t like and you have a feeling of anger, think first and then ACT out of your own being by saying what you need and what you do not like. If they don’t listen to you and respond then you are dealing with someone who does not care about your feelings and there is no need to continue the conversation. If you stay angry and argue or try to convince the person you are right you are losing yourself. Holding onto anger is bad for your body and health. If you use that anger to motivate you to do something, it is not coming out of your center but is reactionary to others. It can cause you to do behaviors that will have negative consequences. .Holding onto anger can lead to addictions and abuseive relationships. Depression is anger turned inward. Being angry at yourself is futile. Anger repressed or overt can cause fatigue, insomnia, and pain. Anger held onto will kill love. Experiment with this and see how it feels and what the different results are from different behaviors of yours. You will learn a lot about yourself and free yourself from the control of others.
Grief for Sabrina continues/no short cuts here
March 19, 2011
I had a reprieve yesterday and felt “normal” and thought maybe the grief process was over and I could tell you this. However, I remember hearing “it comes in waves” now and that must be what is happening because today I woke up at 4am and couldn’t sleep and felt horrible. All I wanted was my cat back. Now I know that is irrational thinking but that is what is going on with this process. I thought I had made peace with it all at the Memorial some friends and I had Sunday which was beautiful. Everyone shared their experience with Sabrina and we said prayers all out in the yard where there was a hole for her to be buried in when she got back from being cremated. Two days later we got the ashes and Brad (my husband) and I buried her and said some prayers and some final good-byes and covered her up. She was finally “home” and I felt some peace with that. The vet called and said it was so fast because she must have had something happen in her brain and nothing I did or didn’t do could have changed that. I have never had an animal go fast like that and I still am in shock. My body was reacting like crazy and besides the heartburn, dizziness, stomach problems, I had every classic symptom of a heart attack and my nurse friend and husband wanted me to go to the hospital to be safe. I did not feel that was needed but I went and stayed l2 hr. and they found a lot of elevated tests but then said I was ok. I was so grateful to be home and had even more empathy for Sabrina going through all those tests. I talked to very few people about all this because I did not want “advice” but it is not good to hold it in and I am now talking about it more since the physical symptoms have gone for now and I am just immolbilized and depressed except for writing this to you. The anxiety and heart break that I feel is torture. Today I visited her grave and put a stone cat on it as a marker and talked to her. I know she is in the energy, not the hole, but I understand now why graves are so important and offer such comfort. I am leaning a lot in this experience and praying for guidance for the next step. I was embarrassed that I am taking so long to go through this grief but have even more respect for the process than ever. I am so grateful to have had l6 years with such a vital, vivacious cat who was unconditional love personified.
Grief and emotional pain with loss of anyone we love so fully
March 12, 2011
March 9 Sabrina, my beloved cat of l6 years. ..still playing and jumping up on the valance of the curtain. ..until the day before. She died and now I am seeing that she decided to die so she wouldn’t have to go through any more tests and pokes. She also did not want me to see her sick. She wants me to remember her in all her glory. That is where I am today and feeling gratitude for having her in my life so long.
I was not here, nor will the emotional pain be gone soon, when she died. I was in shock. I cried a lot at first and then I got very angry and wanted her back and nothing was making sense (even though I did 2 sessions the next day was fine in them) and I wish I had never had her teeth cleaned because she had to take medicine after and if I’d known that I never would have done it. Sabrina did not take medicine well. She fought it. She was her own cat and the alpha cat in a home of 4 cats. I went through 2 days of physical symptoms and was ready to call a doctor and then I remembered they were all part of the process. I was in such emotional pain and anguish I didn’t want to be in my body. There were so many feelings and my left brain just wouldn’t work, like doing anything on Facebook or anything that was analytical. I was praying constantly just to get through the pain. I couldn’t get her out of my mind and kept remembering all her special qualities that I’d never see again. I didn’t want to talk to people much because I didn’t want to hear the platitudes, like “she’s in a better place” which wasn’t true. She loved her home and us and was very happy. God does know what we need because I had a chi gong body session yesterday (and I never have had one two weeks in a row) and received such love and healing that I got some relief. Crying is good and I am not good at crying for myself (I am for others) so I pray to cry and let go of the hurt inside me, especially in my gut. This is where I am at now. The reason I have such a love for cats is that mly Father gave me a cat when I was 6 yr. old and lost my brother who I adored. That bond is unbreakable. I have always had loving cats who all get along with each other all my life. Thank you for listening.
Feelings, grief and the cat
March 9, 2011
Yesterday I found Sabrina (one of my two older cats) lying on the floor half under a chest. When a cat is sick he/she will try to hide so as not to hurt the human (me). I called the vet and got her in right away and she stayed all day. I was very positive yesterday, praying all day, and continuing to function. When we picked her up at 5pm they had taken $800 worth of tests but are not sure what is the matter with her. She was very dehydrated when I took her in. We don’t know what is causing the dehydration. She came home with a tube in her arm and some medicine she wouldn’t take and took her back today. I love this cat so much, as I do all my 4 cats. I am not ready to let her go. I feel angry this morning which is part of the grief process that I may be starting to go into. I don’t have the money to keep testing her after today and I pray they find the answers today. This is very personal but it is the best I can do on a blog since I am in tears and have so many feelings running around inside of me I am just taking it one step at a time. Doing the next right thing, praying for that guidance. I have so much to do and it is hard to focus. Grief is full of feelings and I am feeling a lot of them now. I will write tomorrow on my losing my cat 8 years ago. I’m not ready to lose this cat and I have to have it be God’s will. I am feeling the heart break of when I lost my other cat and feel so badly that Sabrina is so lifeless.
