Life and death of my aunt and grief and loss
August 28, 2010
My Aunt Pauline was there from the time I can remember. Every summer I would go out to my grandparents in Ohio on the farm and then go to visit her. She lived just a mile away. My 5 cousins were like brothers and sisters to me and we had a great time playing and visiting relatives around the area. I could talk to Aunt Pauline about anything and as I grew older we got into some really deep subjects. It was wonderful to call her after I moved to Tucson and wasn’t visiting Ohio so much. She and I would talk about everything. She had many challenges in life but she met them with dignity and dealt with her anger in a healthy way. When her children were little her home burned down but she came through like a champ and they built a new onw which she’s been in ever since. My grandparents took the whole family in until they got their new home. She was sharp as can be mentally, president of the quilters association, went to Senior luncheons and lived in her own home all her life with her little poodle who adored her. Her daughter came out every day and they would do things together and her oldest son came out every day and then would watch the games with her on Saturdays. Her home had flowers everywhere including inside! She was 99 years old and doing well except her kidneys started failing. Finally her kids took her to the hospital which she hated but had a phone and I could call her and talk. Three days ago I called in the morning, just had a “feeling” I needed to talk to her and see if the new medicine she was trying was working. She sounded bright as can be and was so glad to hear from me. She told me excitedly “they are coming to take me home today” (meaning her son and daughter). So I cried a few tears of joy and was really happy for her since I know how important “home” is. I love my home and do not want to leave it. Then I got a call from another cousin who said she didn’t “make it”. I called Lois who took care of her, her daughter, and she told me the story which I think is quite beautiful. She got home and sat on the sofa with her dog on her lap and Lois having her arm around her. Jerry, her son, was there with her, too. Suddenly she said she didn’t feel well and next thing she was gone. Home to her heavenly home. I wish so much I could be with the whole family at this time but I am in a very intense program for my health for 3 months and cannot leave. So I have been talking to all the “kids” on the phone and I ordered a dozen roses and other flowers to make a beautiful bouquet to put by her head at the visiting hours and funeral. I am thanking God for the special opportunity I got to talk to her that morning and I will always hear her voice in my head of what she said that day. I am grieving here but I am not alone because I have friends to share it with and the phone to talk to my family. It is important that I tell this God inspired story about a wonderful woman who did so much for others and had so much love in her heart. The loss is great but what a great way to die and not have to suffer all kinds of treatments. I am grateful for the many blessings I have like this. I just have to follow my first intuition and act on it if it comes from the heart. Now I cry tears of gratitude for knowing this woman and for her long life with her mind in tact (and her body working pretty well until the end!!).
Grief has it’s own process
August 23, 2010
Grief has it’s own process and there is no way to “hurry” it along. I just went through several weeks of it myself while looking at small houses to buy and preparing to sell my fairly large and “perfect” house. I didn’t really know for sure what I was going through; I just knew I was angry a lot and crying a lot. These are not normal behaviors for me. I would really try to have a good attitude when we would go out looking at houses (town houses or condos) and by the end of the day I was so exhausted I could hardly do anything. I really tried to imagine how my smaller amount of furniture would fit in the rooms and what I would do to make it a home. Then I’d come home to my light, airy, visually beautiful home full of comfort and everything in it’s place. I did all the financing figures and kept coming up with it would cost more to move than to stay here since I don’t have to fix anything up here. I am talking to a life coach and praying a lot. I know the answers will come because they always do. Finally after several weeks I came to a point where I stopped grieving. Now I have a free choice: to move or stay. Right now it feels like stay very strongly. I certainly am glad to be through the depression and anxiety and sleeplessness, guilt, remorse, shame and all the other feelings that accompanied the grief. I feel freed and lifted even though the decision is still not made. I know I need to plan for the future but I only have today to live to the fullest. Growing older is a challenge and I’m far from elder care, I hope, but I have to think of that eventually. I am glad to have had this cleansing experience. I feel like a new person!
