Healthy Love is the way out of Codependency
April 28, 2010
Healthy love is the way out of Codpendency. The topic of love is so misused and misunderstood and I would like to clarify it. Toxic love is when it is all about “me” and not about you. Being able to do “tough love” when the person you are connected to is abusing you or themselves is not doing what feels good but is doing what is right and will help both of you. It is detaching with love: knowing the other person has a higher power and it isn’t you. In many religions, especially Christianity, love is a decision, a commitment to love others as God loves you. It is not as you love you because most of use don’t treat ourselves very well. All you need to do is be alone and watch your mind go and you can see all the negative messages we give ourselves. That is abusive to yourself. That is not love. So, when you make a decision to love others it is not based on a feeling which can be fleeting. Feelings come and go and are important to acknowledge and love is one of those feelings which can be very powerful. I have a friend who is having some difficulty in her life and I not only pray for her but I see her name in my mind and put the word Love on it. I do that every day and it is amazing. She is getting better. Now this may be some dynamic I don’t understand but I know it is working. Codependency has you twisted in a sick kind of love. Find someone who can help you out of that. It is worth it when your whole being can be filled with love most of the time. That is real spirituality. I have finally found a church that makes sense to me and is full of real love and honesty. When I am there I am so filled with love tears flow out of me in gratitude. I wish everyone could have what I am having there and in my life.
Empowerment by dealing with grief and loss
April 16, 2010
Why should someone go to grief counseling with a really seasoned counselor? Doing the process of releasing and healing grief and loss will bring about renewed health and empowerment. Often the grief is hidden and a person thinks they have dealt with it but it is in there eating away at the body, mind, and spirituality. Loss of job, relationship, health or loss of use or agility in part of your body are some examples. Being abused, death of a dream, breaking of a trust, and of course, death of a loved one or loss of your children through divorce and the other spouse turning them against you, or losing a child to illness. Not going through a full healing process can bring on depression, repressed anger (means you don’t know you have it), feelings of giving up, wanting to withdraw into a cacoon, not participating in activites and even withdraw from being a spectator of previously loved happenings. There are lots of free bereavement counseling, grief group counseling, grief therapy, children and counseling but it is hard for those options to really deeply address the complicated twists and turns these emotions can take without a person realizing it. You need a person who has dealt with ALL their own grief issues (of which there are many in life) who will be compassionate and truly listen, providing a safe, nourishing container for the complex, intense, and often undervalued experience of grieving. By receiving understanding and support, loss can become a rich opportunity for learning, growth, deepening of spirit, sense of community, and vision. It can be a tranformative process which will bring spiritual enrichment. By honestly sharing one’s feeling and thoughts, moment to moment, as well as periodic summation of the process empowerment and increased assertiveness will happen. Children especially need specialized grief counseling when they experience a loss. In the long run, it is better to pay for something and get the expertise you deserve than just take what is offered free or for a low price to save the money. Any good counselor will work with you on the financial end of it. Over my lifetime I have needed the help of grief counseling and I have always gone to the best. I am living proof that it was worth it. I am very grateful for the quality of my life and my zest for living after the many losses I’ve experienced. Thank you for listening to this very important topic. Let me just add one extreme and obvious experience I had when my favorite cat died. I really had a personal relationship with her. I could not eat or sleep for 2 weeks. This was totally out of my control. I was shocked that I would have such a dramatic reaction when I already had had so much loss in my life. With really top notch counseling I came out of it and found a spiritual answer which has served me well in the following years. Most grief is much more subtle than this and that is why you need a counselor who can help you find and release those feelings under the surface that are not apparant. Don’t let your codependency keep you from getting help. Don’t let it turn into addictions to push away the pain. You can be free of both codependency and addictions by dealing with your grief.
Codependency and Aging Parents
April 2, 2010
Codependency and aging parents is covered in a chapter of my book. Since I wrote the book I have had some years go by and have a few things to add as my own wisdom has increased by my experience and learnings. Here are some concepts from my book which I will paraphrase; then I will add what I know today to be important with seniors/elders. It is a natural part of the life cycle for parents to age and to become more dependent on their children. Healthy families adjust to these changes well. The adult children and grandchildren are able to feel respect and affection for them and help them without neglecting themselves. If you grew up in a family where emotions were repressed and tensions unresolved, you may struggle with how to “be” with your parents and how to care for them. The effects of codependency and addictions on all can be cumulative, resulting in physical, emotional, and financial problems. If the adult children have not dealt with their issues through coaching, counseling, or some other source, they may fall into destructive patterns when dealing with their parents which are harmful to them and to the elders. As a person who spent many years not only in therapy but spiritually dealing with my own parents, I was able to feel free and totally be my adult self when my parents and other senior relatives needed my support. I am grateful for that. Now as I am growing older, although I feel young at heart and of mind and am doing well physically, I need to stress how important it is to be sensitive to a parents’ emotional and spiritual being as to their physical needs. Respect and courtesy are high on the list of how to relate. For more information, go to the book “Dilemma of Love” on my website and find out for yourself all the pertinent information.
