Ways Anger Can be Misused: #7
August 30, 2009
7) Anger resulting from giving too much to others and not refueling yourself. Of course, giving and caring people abound. They respond to the needs of others in every part of their lives. But a problem can occur for such people when they have little ability to give to themselves. Deep resentment grows within them and often results in unexpected outbursts that are really the message: “I’m giving so much to everyone else. Why isn’t anyone giving anything back to me?”
I have gone through six previous misuses of anger in these blogs. To gain more insight into a person’s uses of anger, a first step is to identify several recent occasions in which the person became angry for questionable reasons. Then look for a pattern. Are there particular circumstances involved? What occurred immediately before an angry outburst? Who else was involved? Were there any specific feelings present, other than anger? Does the anger seem to arise at any specific time of day? Any consistencies one can find will help narrow the search for an unresolved issue generating anger that is being unfairly directed at others. Once the pattern of anger is clarified, identifying the emotional use (of which I have given 7) can then follow.
All forms of misused anger are destructive to relationships and to the sense of self. Marriage counseling is usually needed for couples, and grief and loss counseling can be helpful if that is an issue. Bereavement counseling may also be helpful if the person has lost someone or something important to her. Life coaching can be helpful to anger management, and of course abuse counseling is crucial for the victims’ of such anger. Misused anger can certainly affect one’s spirituality and one’s relationship to a higher power. It affects the person’s ability to assert oneself in a healthy way in getting one’s needs met. It can bring on addiction, requiring help to sort out the chaos. It is codependent behavior.
Ways Anger Can Be Misused: #6
August 29, 2009
6) Anger used to create emotional distance. Although reasonably common, this misuse of anger is sometimes difficult to spot. Its origin lies in the vulnerability that the insecure person(s) feels when getting too close to others. To reduce the implicit threat, one picks a fight. This conflict creates more interpersonal distance and consequently creates less vulnerability. The telling pattern is the consistent occurrence of petty arguments shortly after moments of intimacy.
Anger is a normal part of bereavement, but its misuse causes anxiety, sleeplessness, loss of desire for food, compulsive eating, smoking, alcohol consumption, depression and many more negative reactions. Marriage counseling is usually needed to deal with this misuse. Hence, addictions can become a big factor in its misuse. One loses ambition and a sense of goals and purpose, There is a feeling of grief and loss, and assertiveness is called for when the victim of this abuse, this codependency, shows the typical signs as outlined above.
Ways Anger Can Be Misused: #5
August 28, 2009
5) Frequent angry outbursts. Observers or the recipients of this type of anger are often the first to see and understand the pattern. This misuse of anger is unfortunately very easy, but the fact is that everyone loses when this kind of response contaminates a relationship. This is codependency at its highest! It can destroy relationships, marriages, friendships, parent/child relationships, and every other kind of relationship. We feel less in control and often feel guilty following displays of irrational anger. Those on the receiving end learn to become defensive, avoid or even counterattack when they are constantly used as scapegoats (victims). This usually results in strained relationships that lack fulfillment.
Anger expressed to reduce internal tension is a sign of codependency and dis-ease. In the workplace, tension and frustration arising out of the pressures of a hectic day are often suppressed. However, once one is out of the workplace, that same tension may be quickly transformed into anger and expressed at opportunistic targets. After several outbursts, calm returns as tension is reduced. But the cost to relationships is high. This misuse of anger causes anxiety, depression, low self esteem, grief and guilt (often unrecognized).
Grief and loss counseling, abuse counseling, assertiveness training, life coaching to set goals for more constructive living, bereavement counseling, and personal counseling may be called for. Misused anger can cause physical illness and psychological stress.
Ways Anger Can Be Misused: #4
August 26, 2009
4) Anger as a motivational technique. This use of anger is favored principally by those who believe that the only real motive is fear. Typically, fear is produced through outbursts of anger. (Often the listeners are accompanied by threats of dire consequences.) A by product of this style is that of establishing an adversarial relationship with subordinates. Resentment naturally accompanies compliance with the demands made. Respect generated by fear is not really true respect. Bullying is an example of this type of anger. Bullying is used to get one’s way at the expense of other people. Marriage counseling can be helpful with couples in which bullying is part of the relationship, or parent/child coaching can also be helpful. The victim of this kind of anger is riddled with anxiety, depression, stress, and low self esteem. Codependency is rampant. Using anger to get one to take action can cause physical illness and has serious consequences for the victim, which brings on anxiety that causes sleeplessness.
Ways Anger Can Be Misused: #3
August 25, 2009
3) Psychological displacement of anger. Anger serves many psychological purposes. Linking anger only to personal conflict is easy but deceptive. In reality people use expressed anger inappropriately to meet a variety of questionable emotional needs. This bad habit is also known as the “kick-the-dog” problem. One can become angry in situations in which it would be difficult, inappropriate, or impossible to express anger directly, (i.e. to one’s boss). Because of possible negative consequences, anger may be suppressed until a safe target becomes available. Easy targets can be subordinates on the job, other drivers on the road, a spouse, children, a pet, or strangers who bring on frustrations in minor ways. These innocents receive the brunt of pent up anger because they are there and vulnerable. In these cases, anger management counseling can be helpful overcoming this tendency. This misuse of anger is a definite sign of codependency and can signal anxiety and depression. It is abusive to those around the person who uses this type of anger, and he will find himself without friends and associates if he continues this behavior. It is hard on a marriage and marriage counseling may be called for. It is one of the stages of grief/bereavement.
Ways Anger Can Be Misused: #2
August 24, 2009
2) Anger as a motivating form of energy. The experience of anger is so uncomfortable that most people are motivated to express it simply as a way of becoming emotionally calm again. Unfortunately, at times this involves directing it against those who may have had nothing whatsoever to do with the cause. Anger may also be used as part of acquired impatience. As life grows busier and more complicated, there is a tendency to speed up to get everything done. The result is a sort of hurry-sickness. One begins to work faster, talk faster, drive faster, and become steadily more impatient with anyone or anything that gets in his way. Accompanying this type of anger is impatience being generated by the frustration one feels. Some people want the world to hurry up or get out of their way, and it doesn’t. This can make them angry, and they get angry frequently. Counseling and coaching can provide techniques that help one get over this type of anger, thus freeing the person to adopt a pace that is healthier for him and for others. Anger misused can cause physical illness and psychological stress, including anxiety and depression.
Ways Anger Can Be Misused: #1
August 23, 2009
Anger management includes dealing with repressed anger, which causes the person who is not expressing anger to be depressed and one who is overly expressing it to be guilty and even angrier. Emotions often occur as a result of thinking. As we free ourselves from codependency, the frequency of anger episodes decrease and lessen in severity. When this happens, we find that we can quickly think through the anger triggers and choose whether to act on them or not, and if so, find appropriate ways to act or let go of it.
Following are seven ways anger is used wrongly. I begin with the first way and will follow up in subsequent blogs with ways 2 through 7.
1). Anger to escape personal responsibility. This is the blaming syndrome. It occurs in one who is insecure and unable to admit fault. Responsibility for a problem is always placed with other people or unusual circumstance. We find this to be a frequently encountered problem in children; in an adult this is a sign of gross immaturity. More subtly, this is the posture of the perennial “victim”, which, over time, reinforces a negative perception of others and the world in general. Anger management counseling is essential to get over this very destructive way of handling anger. Most people don’t understand what they are doing and that help is available. Misuse of anger causes physical problems and can be helped with counseling and coaching.
Counseling for One Abused by Addict
August 16, 2009
Verbal abuse as well as physical abuse can be caused by an addict to those around him. Counseling provides help for the abused person, allowing her to gain control over her life in getting the help she needs to protect her from the abuse. The abuser wants to be enabled and will be angry if such action is withheld, and he is confronted. Codependency runs rampant in the addict’s family system and needs to be dealt with by intervention or by the one suffering abuse staying away if possible from the abuser. Getting counseling is a must for the person wanting to recover from codependency and from having to suffer abuse. It is a very serious process and needs to be taken seriously. Denial will not accomplish anything but cover over the problem and make it worse. This is dangerous to the person being abused. Denial is pretending it all isn’t happening or “isn’t that bad”.
Survery Cites Incidents of Violence, Verbal Abuse
August 7, 2009
USA TODAY wrote about an online survey saying the nurses association claims that more than half of nurses who work in emergency departments report they’ve been physically assaulted on the job. One in four nurses reported experiencing assaults more than 20 times in the past three years, and one in five said they had experienced verbal abuse more than 200 times during the same period. Laws protecting emergency department nurses vary widely by state, and some states have no laws. Most people enter the profession to help people, not to get beat up and not to see your coworkers get eat up.
I have had several nurses as clients, and they have all been exceptionally responsible, compassionate people. They have been abused by their supervisors, by doctors, and other RNs, as well as patients. This is a frightening situation when so much abuse and codependency is going on in a field where professionals are usually top of the line. I have been able to help them set boundaries, be assertive, and refuse to be abused. I have had a most rewarding experience in seeing these clients grow and expand, knowing I have helped them deal affirmatively with this problem.
Abuse can cause tremendous stress and physical illnesses. It can cause depression and anxiety. Abuse can cause weight gain/obesity or chronic weight loss, addiction, or difficulty with people trying to maintain their freedom from addictions in which they were involved. It can bring on alcoholism and cause low self esteem. I am dedicated to bringing an end to this abuse to these very special people, as I am against abuse of any kind anywhere.
Couples Counseling and Coaching
August 2, 2009
I wrote on how I do the relationship or couples/marriage counseling and coaching. Now I want to explain WHY I do it the way I do. I have both people come to me (instead of going to separate counselors), so I know exactly what is going on with each one as well as what is going on between them. I deal confidentially with each person, because there are some things that a person does not want to share with others, and, of course, it is not appropriate to do so—in fact, it would be hurtful and damaging and serve no positive purpose to do so. This gives each person the freedom to be totally honest with them and with me without fear of being betrayed or sharing inappropriate information.
I can talk with each person ahead of time (of in the joint session) and discover what they want to share and accomplish in the session and what their goals are for the future. They may not know their goals, and that is okay, but at least they have the opportunity to think about them. My goal is for them to reclaim the love and trust back was there when they began their relationship.
Spirituality is very much a part of this process, for that is where one finds truth and the power of healing. That is where forgiveness and release of old feelings are so powerful. Anyone reading this with questions may reach me at my phone number, and I will endeavor to answer to the best of my ability. My work is intended to heal abusive relationships and codependent relationships.
